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In the fall of 1999, Thanksgiving the way I saw it was forever changed.
Food Network was still a channel devoted primarily to milquetoast-style cooking shows. Sure there was Emeril, Mario, and Bobby spicing things up. Of these men however, not one truly revolutionized the cooking show as something fun yet educational.
Enter Alton Brown.
Originally a drama major from the University of Georgia, Mr. Brown was dissatisfied by the quality of the cooking shows on the air. In 1995, Alton graduated from the New England Culinary Institute, where it’s been noted that he would make stock more flavorful by putting in seasoning packets.
Alton created two episodes of what would be Good Eats, “Steak Your Claim” and “This Spud’s for You”, for a PBS station in Chicago. Apparently, Food Network liked what they saw and low and behold, we got a new star in the making!
While it would be a few years before Good Eats got the cultural outpour it so rightfully deserved, the humor behind the science (which Alton admits he sucked badly at in grade school) was prevalent from episode one.
Romancing the Bird (title being parody of the 1984 movie “Romancing the Stone”) on the mean-hand was aired just prior to Thanksgiving in 1999 while being the 14th episode aired under the Good Eats label.
So without much further ado, let’s jump into the madness of the gobble!
Sitting on his porch with a turkey sandwich in his hand, Alton dives into an anecdote of a Thanksgiving from years gone by. Roll back to a sepia-tone image of 1970, young Alton is about to fill an empty spot at the table. Enter in a stranger (played by Alton), who has a passion for turkey.
Uncle Morty, a rotund man of not much in the brain matter, is about to carve the bird.
That strange man instead overrules and whips out an electric knife!
To the awe of all, the turkey is carved like a Rembrandt painting.
Only there was one catch: while the family was used to the dry turkey that Granny cooked up, this guy wasn’t. So he choked on Gimpy and died, and thus his legend lives on. GOOD EATS!
In usual Alton style, there is a history lesson to be had. Starting with the initial outing from 1621, which was a three day affair, there were many modifications to this holiday.
After the crop failure of 1622, the gathering was held down until 1777 when it was time to celebrate whoop ass of the British in the Revolutionary War!
While some Presidents of this United States country try to get the Butterball rolling, it wasn’t until a magazine editor by the name of Sarah Hale got inspiration that Thanksgiving could become a reality.
Attempting to push a day for family and their “wholesome values”, apparently everyone and their brother got a letter trying to make a go of this day, but nothing worked.
It wasn’t until Abraham Lincoln (once again portrayed by Alton) in 1864 that Thanksgiving became a holiday, denoting the last Thursday in November to be it. FDR tried to fuzz around the day a little bit, but the public wasn’t too kind to this, and therefore wasn’t mess with again. I’m surprised no President has tried this recently!
After some more history anecdotes, Alton gets a rude awakening from MARCIA MARCIA MARCIA! Obnoxious in nature, she irritates Alton like no one else. Like for instance, first appearance sees her putting a wreath on the front door!
Blabbering on, she goes to note how the family is coming over for Thanksgiving, even if that wasn’t what Alton intended. “Oh, sisters just know these things!” In a fit of somewhat contained rage, Alton throws the wreath onto a bush and thus here comes our first tidbit:
The next scene shows Alton and Marcia sitting in the living room. While Marcia gets carried away in décor, Alton tells her pretty much it’s a turkey/stuffing/cranberry affair. Marcia’s response? “That doesn’t sound very Plymouth”.
Suddenly the screen tints and Alton asks Marcia if she knew what the Pilgrims ate on the first Thanksgiving. In a sense of science fiction retro (ala Matrix), Alton gives Marcia a choice via berries. Blueberry, and it’s family tradition. Cranberry, and it’s pilgrim tradition. Although she takes the blueberry, she’s given the swerve of the cranberry!
In the “forest”, Marcia nags on about how can there be no pie on the first Thanksgiving. Enter in...
Many food stuffs are mentioned, including the notion that Europeans believed potatoes were poisonous. Alton even does an internet plug, HUGE STUFF FOR 1999!
Going over the meats, and while there was turkey, swans, geese, and duck available, the big hit was VENNISON!
Anywhos there’s a small argument after Deborah notes she goes over to Grandma’s house for the day with turkey and all the fixings. “What is anthropologically correct?” We will never know!
Marcia goes to get decorations, while Alton is greeted by a man in a “turkey mobile”.
For craps and giggles, Alton heckles the man. “Gee, aren’t all turkeys the same?” Chuck, the driver and “turkey freak”, is absolutely incensed by the man’s “lack of knowledge”. As Chuck retrieves a frozen bird, Alton nods to the camera and cracks himself up.
As mentioned in part, the USDA denotes three types of state a turkey can be in. Frozen is zero degrees or lower (it’s not just water), Refrigerated is one to 26 degrees and requires less thawing time, while Fresh is higher than the 26 threshold.
Uncle Morty appears to be as dumb as usual. “Turkey, you mean the country or the bird?” Hearing about the feast, Uncle packed up his Stratolounger in a trailer and came over to Alton. Chuck was a tiny bit interested in this chair until Alton brings everyone back down to Earth.
“He’s been abusing something,” quips Morty about Chuck, even though Morty’s brain may have been abused by the stressors of alcohol.
After some banter about the legitimacy of grade-A birds, and the insults of the truck, Alton quickly gets a bird and heads back to the house. Morty is given the bird to park, while Alton confides to the camera how he will show the family cooking pointers, but do the exact opposite! Next little snippet coming up:
Next up we have thawing expert Ray, a horrible Elvis impersonator who says to leave the frozen bird on the turkey on the counter for a day or two. Alton is able to lure Ray with a hidden six-pack Morty brought over. “He has left the kitchen!”
Anywhos, without missing a beat, “W” arrives. Now in traditional mock James Bond-theme getup, this hot little minx is an equipment specialist. Before the equipment arrives, time to explain why Ray was absolutely wrong in his assessment!
You see, the frozen turkey has a “danger zone” of pretty much anything over 0 degrees. Leaving it on the counter would be behoove to germs and microbes and all that sort of thing. So Alton gets his fishing cooler, and packs the turkey inside aluminum pan in there. Add in some freezer packs, and its good to go!
After that, W gets the good ol’ briefcase of weaponry out.
Up for bids is a thermometer. Not just any old one however, it’s got a digital read-out with a probe that can be safely inserted into the meat! Rest assured, my parents got one after this aired.
Alton, safe to say his character has a little thing for W, invites her over for the feast. “They don’t bite...much...” W politely declines sadly.
If the turkey is still frozen the night before, Alton notes to give it the “Mafia” treatment. This would mean put the bird (in wrapping) in a bucket full of water, AND mash it down with a brick! Rest assured this turkey wishes it could sleep with the fishes!
Next up is Niece Nancy and her basting opinion. Quickly stopped, Alton explains that it doesn’t really do much, and it anything, slows the cooking time of the bird! “Hey, isn’t that your pager I hear going off?” That’s pretty much the only dated part of this program, as you can fill in any electronic device for the pager and the reference still fits!
After creeper Alton has that mag yanked, the magic of the brine is explained. For that, we turn to the mad scientist!
To properly explain how a brine works, time to bring in a prop!
“Where does she get all these wonderful toys?” A Batman reference on a cooking show, surely you jest me wrong! That’s putting aside the James Bond and Elvis references!
Long story short, she explains how the seasonings hook up into the moisture (in this instance salt and water), and together they enter the muscle of the bird and serve out a life sentence. They’re never escaping!
Next segment sees Alton at the stove concocting a brine mixture.
(Minus the allspice and ginger, and that would be the brine my Mom has perfected in the last decade. THANKS ALTON!)
While the brines cooks together, it’s important to note to not brine the turkey with hot liquid. The brine, after the chance to get “happy”, should be chilled, “served on ice”, then introduced to the turkey via a CLEAN bucket. Keep the bucket chilled in a cold place, in this instance Alton uses a garage as example.
Returning to the show after a twenty minute absence, Marcia explains the importance of stuffing a bird. As she is going down an ingredient, random signs are interrupting her. Stopping in a pout, it’s revealed that Alton was doing the signage!
“IT WAS ME MARCIA, IT WAS ME ALL ALONG! AW SON OF A BITCH!”
Alton goes on saying that stuffing is evil. It harbors bacteria while not introducing flavor to the bird. Worst yet, it slows down cooking time!
After getting a dish out of the microwave, its apples and onions going to be used as aromatics for the bird. Adding a cinnamon stick to the fray, Brown then tucks the wings underneath the bird in the hopes to prevent “waddling” and burning.
At this point, Alton notes this could be the time where family comes over. He shows clean spaces where to put down pies and such, while Uncle Morty watches Kojak and does nothing.
Morty, a pop-up populist, tries to persuade the audience that the pop-up thingy in the turkey is the hint that the bird is done.
WRONG!
Alton explains the pop-up is a spring held by an epoxy designed to, well, “pop-up” at a certain temperature. Most of the time, these things go off too early, so never judge. Apparently these things are so ineffective that Alton compares these to Charlie’s Angels doing serious detective work! OUCH! Time for another tidbit this show is famous for:
Prepping the turkey up some more, including the “turkey triangle”, Alton would soon discover something very disturbing. Aunt Verna, “rampant roaster”, tries to lower the temp of the oven. “Low and slow is the only way to go!” Hogwash notes Alton, as the low and slow method rolls the fat off without browning the skin. Alton’s method is to do 500 degrees for a half hour, apply said triangle, and then cook at 350 until the thermometer reads 161.
This was where I thought the show fell apart, but more on that later.
Alton whips up a quick cranberry sauce (rocket scientists need not apply), and then a pan of cornbread BLINDFOLDED!
A few minutes later, all the family is at the table, and the turkey is ready to be served.
However, Alton’s got a secret weapon!
Remember that knife at the very beginning that the stranger used? Well guess what, Alton was saving that for years and has finally had an appropriate use for it!
Now he carves into the turkey, and truth be told, it doesn’t look fully cooked!
Keep in mind with the above picture, that he does say there is “aftercooking” (as in the temperature of the meat goes up even after getting out of the oven), but seriously, look at that pink juice on the board! He then proceeds to cross-contaminate everything in its path, something he notes he tries to prevent in the segment previous! EUGH!
The conclusion shows Alton saving the left-over turkey, which presumably will be used on a later show.
That show, “Behind the Bird”, would be shown over a year later AFTER Thanksgiving to show the uses of the leftover carcass!
CONCLUSION: While the ending may leave something to be desired, the rest of the hour is some of the most inventive ideals ever heard. From the probe, to the knife, down to the brine, this show inspired my Mom to do something different for Thanksgiving, those things she has done ever since. Many culture references while staying on topic prevents this from being “just another special”, while serving up unique Brown-isms. If you have to watch one cooking special leading up to gobble day, make it this one. Just ignore how horrible the turkey came out, primarily on how undercooked it was.
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