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Once upon a time, a great podcast was sweeping across the nation. It delivered hopes and dreams to twelve eager listeners. Their minds would be expanded each and every week by their exploits.
Hosted by RD Reynolds and Blade Braxton, that podcast was WrestleCrap Radio!
(While the show is sadly defunct, the main website WrestleCrap.com is very much alive and well. It’s awesome and a must-read for any wrestling fan. Now on to the regularly scheduled album…)
So you're reading by this point and wondering what the heck this has to do with a music review.
I'll tell you!
On the December 15th, 2006 edition of WCR, which I downloaded immediately after it was available, there was a holiday-themed opening. Instead of the usual spiel, there was a hard metal edge that sounded a lot like Deck the Halls.
And it sounded a lot like it was performed by Twisted Sister!
This sample of music would change the very foundation of Christmas music enjoyment forever.
Today, you'll get to read about how this LP would turn the good ol' favorites and transform them into raging demons of hellfire and brimstone. This my friends is A TWISTED CHRISTMAS!
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Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas: Oh come on here! Dee Snyder is trying to sing this legit? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The opening of this track is Dee, a trumpeter, and a guitarist strumming in the background. Dee’s vocal chords are horrifically out of tune, the aforementioned trumpeter is botching every other note, and it's more painful than a root canal. One of the band members barges in and demands to know,“WHAT IS THIS CRAP?” After a forceful persuasion, Dee finally gives in. “We never play anything nice and easy... We play things TWISTED!” A full array of guitars and various percussion instruments proceed to give this song a beating heart. Most renditions of this song are slow, but this one is balls to the wall intense. A brooding foreshadow of what’s to come! The sound doesn't resemble the olden days, does it folks?
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Oh Come All Ye Faithful: If you are listening to this album for the first time and realize something is familiar, you're 100% correct. This holiday classic was re-arranged to the tune of the 1980s hit “We're Not Gonna Take It”. Holy crap did it turn out well! Like the prior song, the original is a slow-paced easy-listening crowd-pleaser. This song is a crowd-pleaser indeed but one that would lead your grandparents utterly horrified. In the chorus, it's usually a hand-picked few whose voices are supposed to echo soft notes of enchantment. TS's version is more like a head-banging rage whose style never aged.
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White Christmas: If you want to know how popular the original of this song was, consider this: Bing (not the search engine) Crosby's un-imitable croon sold millions of copies. Unlike today where files don't disintegrate, old record masters did. That original master became so warped from the duplications that Bing had to completely re-sing the tune to make another master. Dee Snyder may not be Bing Crosby, but if you bought this album thinking he might be, you're insane! The song feels like a big sleigh ride really, as the guitars mush to an incredible tempo rate. Dee's intensity on a soft as snow track is a stark contrast to what has been known before.
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I'll Be Home for Christmas: Unlike a Sesame Street sketch, there are two things that make this song stand out. One, this is probably the only track on the whole album that sounds sentimental. Two, this is the only track with a guest singer in Lita Ford.
No, not the Lita from WWE, but she sounds quite nice nonetheless. There is one qualm about her appearance on the track: someone on the editing side thought it was a good idea to do some reverb in her voice. THAT WAS TERRIBLE ASSHOLE! Back to the sentimentality for a moment. This is the slowest playing track on the album, but this was probably intentional. Having this somewhat sappy tune in the middle of things brings wide range to the album as a whole. It's like a good cup of coffee: not too strong, not that weak, and with a good amount of seasoning. Even if some of the beans were burnt.
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Silver Bells: Back to the camaraderie of the first few tracks! For a song that's usually slow on its feet, this is running at full speed while knocking over midgets and small children. The chorus has that 'rage' quality going on again. If you're someone who hates Christmas music for its pompous stereotypes, this is certainly a song to change your mind. It's five minutes long, which not only makes it the second longest track on the album, but also shows off a lot of jamming. I mean, there is nothing but flat-out instrumentals for probably combined half the track!
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I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: Yes, they had to go there. Instead of the soft tease of giggling the usual versions provide, this is like someone telling you flat-out to your face this inevitably happened. With the amount of poon most metal performers have in their time, it must be disconcerting to come back in the older years to reminisce about such a scene. For all the wrong reasons, this song feels right at home on this LP.
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Let it Snow: Like a lot of other tracks on this album, the original is a slow-goer that allows the listener to slow down enjoy the atmosphere. Instead, Dee Snyder and company invite you to endure a blizzard of guitars with the wind speed generated off the drums equivalent to a hurricane. That echo of rage is back again in the chorus, and that's always a treat. There is no easy relaxed feeling to this track, its all balls to the walls yet again!
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Deck the Halls: As sampled from earlier, this was the song that led me to the proverbial dance. It charges in aggressively, and never lets go. The track remains cheerful yet boisterous. The flaming Yule is a literal imagery for the sound of this whole album. 'Halls' may slow down in the middle just a tad, but it picks you right back up to thrash some more. One of those rare seasonal songs that can be played normally in the heat of the summer!
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The Christmas Song: You know, the one that starts with those nuts named chestnuts roasting on an open fire? Yeah, THAT ONE! Sister's rendition of this has potentially unintentional demonic elements all over it. For one, the guitars make all the “characters” come alive (I.e: Jack Frost, the children with eyes glowing). Dee's sinister growl gives this track even further extrapolation from the original. This version has style and substance to keep the listener entertained while going at a somewhat traditional slow tempo.
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Heavy Metal Christmas: It's exactly what you think it was going to be. This is the warped bastard son of the traditional 12 Days of Christmas drone. Here's the list:
12 Silver crosses
11 Black mascaras
10 Pairs of platforms
9 Tattered t-shirts
8 Pentagrams
7 Leather jackets
6 Cans of hairspray
5 Skull earrings
4 Quarts of Jack
3 Studded belts
2 Pairs of spandex pants
And a tattoo of Ozzy!
Everything about this song sounds absurdly out of proportion. No little drummer boys or partridge's on the pear tree! It's gruff, rough, and yet composed. All of the items listed can definitely fit in the metal alter-ego of the famous original. The final countdown of the list features the guys counting down with the intermittent guitar riff. Oh so grand, but with this in mind, this ends the album!
As noted from the top, this compilation completely changed my perception on the traditional Christmas album.
Most LP's of this nature feature a famous crooner slowly going through the songs at hand. The tempo is designed for those listening to slow down, take it all in. There's nothing wrong with it, and there are many awesome covers from many different artists on these song choices.
If there are complaints, they are few. All told, this album is a shade over forty minutes. While every minute is quality, one could help but wonder if another song or two were added. Imagine a metal version of 'Silent Night' or even 'Frosty the Snowman'?
The other real problem is Lita Ford's reverberation in 'Home for Xmas'. Completely un-called for, and took the whole track down a peg. As a whole, it wouldn't affect replay value much as long as the fast-forward button is ready.
That being said, TS really brought their 'A' game to a literal simple subject. It's obvious that the songs aren't just Christmas tunes, but are also a part forever more of Sister's repetitoire. Some of the songs are needlessly loud, hectic as all hell, and absolutely unnecessary in their execution. To this blogger and many other people, it shouldn't have been done any other way.
Twisted Sister originally was going to retire on this note, but their interpretation of this joyous holiday was so epic that they are still doing the occasional show here and there. Boy am I glad I invested time to listen to this cover to cover, because with this, Twisted Sister should NEVER retire! Heck, who wants to see ANOTHER METAL CHRISTMAS?
Also, another reminder to support these great sites if you like what you see here:
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