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The usual rumblings of rumor are surfacing.
Is Undertaker too banged up?
Can he still go?
Will Undertaker finally hang it up?
At this point even I am not so sure.
The rap sheet of Undertaker’s major surgeries in the last five or so years is as long as Ron Jeremy’s penis War and Peace. Among them are multiple operations to his beaten down shoulders, hips, and knees. Essentially, I believe the man known as The Undertaker is held together by Bondo, wads of spit, and chewed up bubble gum. If it works for million dollar race cars, then it should for human beings too!
All joking aside, Undertaker is definitively in the twilight of his career. His work schedule is limited to all but one match a year with a random special segment here and there.
‘Taker’s rumored opponent for this year’s extravaganza is CM Punk. Punk, a record-setter in the modern era for consecutive days holding for the WWE Championship, has had his fair share of injuries recently as well. Adding to the usual wear and tear is a scope job to his left knee and the after-effects of a suplex gone wrong at a Live event.
These two have also had a somewhat sketchy past when it came to in-ring work together. Their program from 2009 produced two gimmicked PPV matches whose quality were mediocre at best. It is an example of two great workers who can’t mesh, like Mr. Perfect and Shawn Michaels from SummerSlam 1993.
With this quandary of health on the horizon, it just so happens another telegraphed angle is about to happen.
And those two angles should be mixed.
Together, it would be a first time, last time, and only time this would happen for Undertaker at WrestleMania: a tag match. A really high-profile tag encounter with some of the most colorful characters in the WWE right now.
Here is how this would all come together:
The problems with Daniel Bryan and Kane are obvious. There is a severe crack in the foundation, one that even Dr. Shelby can’t fix. Egos are coming to the surface with future ambitions of both men seemingly driving this team apart.
When the break-up begins, it will be ugly.
A triple threat tag match on RAW will have the WWE Tag Team Championships on the line. Hell No, Brodus/Tensai, and Rhodes Scholars are at the ready. After some miscommunication, Kane gets dropped by Rhodes and loses the titles for his team.
Daniel finally makes the turn and beats his now-to-be former partner into oblivion. After this savage encounter, Bryan looks down at Kane with somber remembrance. He even touts his ‘YES’ into the air, but with less enthusiasm then normal.
CM Punk lost his match to John Cena on RAW. It was a thirty minute epic that had WrestleMania-quality written all over it. Punk thought he had it in the bag with the Anaconda Vice, but Cena got to the ropes. Cena slapped his signature STF on Punk. Punk lasts a whole minute in the maneuver trying to get out, but nothing works. Punk taps and his dream of main-eventing WrestleMania goes down the tubes.
That next week, the opening promo starts with CM Punk bickering about his loss. He said Cena tapped and the ref screwed him out of his dream. Bryan contritely retorts that the ref, that exact same ref, screwed him out of his tag team championship. Both men seem to be on one ugly page.
A page that would turn to darkness.
DONG
The lights come back to Punk and Bryan meeting their new-found hells inside the ring. Undertaker chokeslams Punk while Kane gets Bryan. The two brothers point to the WrestleMania NY/NJ sign with no additional dialogue needed. This hellacious journey to ‘Mania is on its way!
Yes, Undertaker would need to make some appearances on television. Hell, some of them could even be taped. No, not Dr. Shelby sketches, but some cameos by men from the past should be there (OHHHHHHH YESSSSSSSS Paul Bearer).
Punk and Bryan run roughshod through the best of the WWE. Alberto Del Rio? No problem. Sheamus? Like a shark patrolling around an empty butthole. Ryback? Friggen’ done! Seeing as Jack Swagger was just caught for pot, perhaps he should eat ‘crippling’ finishers from both these guys.
Undertaker and Kane do their mind games. More like a who’s who of what they did in the past, both on their opponents and each other. Wax figures inside caskets work. Zeb Coulter being set on fire sure. Another great segment idea is Undertaker/Daniel Bryan face to face. Daniel Bryan says YES to winning at WrestleMania with the lights on while Undertaker barks NO with the lights going out!
Plus, CM Punk can always beat Kane one-on-one as well. Bryan can be the distraction making Kane lose, and Undertaker puts up a wall of fire as the dastardly Cult of (Multiple) Personalities go up the ramp!
So now at MetLife, how would this match occur?
For starters, Punk and Bryan come out together (to Punk’s music) while Undertaker/Kane come out separately. If snow is falling during Undertaker’s entrance, it would be amongst the strangest mood setting for a ‘Mania perhaps ever. Knowing that part of the country this time of year, it’ll either be nice and warm or cold and ‘action-packed’.
Kane starts out against Punk. The big red machine is a BOSS who flings back Punk and then Bryan with ease. It seems the two smaller technical geniuses are at a mismatch.
However there is a reason why Punk and Bryan are amongst the two of the elite in the WWE. Using frequent tags, these two deceiving grapplers beat the crap out of this giant. Whether it’s kicks, punches, rope-based attacks, or even a few submission holds, Kane is able to hold on, but just by barely. There would be teases of Kane tagging in, but only to be stopped by the last second by either Bryan or Punk.
By this point the phenom wasn’t tagged in yet, but Undertaker is nowhere near silent. Not only does he gets his cheap-shot in, but he even is able to douse himself with a bottle of water to get ready for that ‘hot tag’.
Kane later on gets to the ropes after a No Lock was unsuccessful. Daniel Bryan tries a dropkick, but fails. Kane slouches back into the corner to…tag….in….
UNDERTAKER!
The man in purple and black is going to town! Clothesline after clothesline is served with more ferocity than the last. Bryan suffers from Old School, and slips out of the ring. Undertaker follows suit as he does a modified version of Snake-Eyes: On the barricade THEN the big boot! Punk tries to surprise with a high and tight Anaconda Vice, but ‘Taker shrugs him off like a case of fleas.
‘Taker chokeslams Bryan inside of the ring, but Punk breaks it up. Punk is laughing, but walks into KANE! These two masters of their arts better start prayers because the brothers of destructions are waiting to kill them off!
Undertaker to Daniel Bryan.
Kane to CM Punk.
STEREO TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVERS!
1-2-3!
90,000 people shit their pants with the loudest post-match pyrotechnic display ever seen. Undertaker and Kane as The Brothers of Destruction are announced as the winners as no less than 345 replays are shown of the high spots. In true form, the BOD look back at the crowd, turn their backs to them, and raise their arms in the air as if they were post-mortem members of the Nation of Domination.
With WrestleMania clocking in at four hours long, this match (w/ entrances and other gimmicks) could clock easily 30-35 minutes. It gives all four men plenty of exposure while keeping a competitive battleground. In an environment where most of the men here are either badly banged up and/or getting close to retirement, this is a great opportunity to mesh styles and gain respect the good ol’ fashioned way.
Now I wouldn’t expect this to be Undertaker’s last match. If anything, I am still clamoring him to face John Cena one-on-one before he officially retires. Kane’s time maybe limited, but Punk and Bryan I believe are just now starting to hit their primes.
At the end of the day however, it accomplishments will be aplenty. It takes the primary physical toll of a regular one-on-one match off of CM Punk and Undertaker. It allows Kane and Undertaker to finally be a tag team at WrestleMania. It also allows Daniel Bryan to hook up with Undertaker at least once in his career. It also proves that big-name tag matches not only have a place on the big show card, but can also raise the legend of the card for years to come.
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