Booking Strategy: Undertaker at WrestleMania XXIX

The usual rumblings of rumor are surfacing.

Is Undertaker too banged up?

Can he still go?

Will Undertaker finally hang it up?

At this point even I am not so sure.

The rap sheet of Undertaker’s major surgeries in the last five or so years is as long as Ron Jeremy’s penis War and Peace. Among them are multiple operations to his beaten down shoulders, hips, and knees. Essentially, I believe the man known as The Undertaker is held together by Bondo, wads of spit, and chewed up bubble gum. If it works for million dollar race cars, then it should for human beings too!

All joking aside, Undertaker is definitively in the twilight of his career. His work schedule is limited to all but one match a year with a random special segment here and there.

‘Taker’s rumored opponent for this year’s extravaganza is CM Punk. Punk, a record-setter in the modern era for consecutive days holding for the WWE Championship, has had his fair share of injuries recently as well. Adding to the usual wear and tear is a scope job to his left knee and the after-effects of a suplex gone wrong at a Live event.

These two have also had a somewhat sketchy past when it came to in-ring work together. Their program from 2009 produced two gimmicked PPV matches whose quality were mediocre at best. It is an example of two great workers who can’t mesh, like Mr. Perfect and Shawn Michaels from SummerSlam 1993.

With this quandary of health on the horizon, it just so happens another telegraphed angle is about to happen.

And those two angles should be mixed.

Together, it would be a first time, last time, and only time this would happen for Undertaker at WrestleMania: a tag match. A really high-profile tag encounter with some of the most colorful characters in the WWE right now.

Here is how this would all come together:

The problems with Daniel Bryan and Kane are obvious. There is a severe crack in the foundation, one that even Dr. Shelby can’t fix. Egos are coming to the surface with future ambitions of both men seemingly driving this team apart.

When the break-up begins, it will be ugly.

A triple threat tag match on RAW will have the WWE Tag Team Championships on the line. Hell No, Brodus/Tensai, and Rhodes Scholars are at the ready. After some miscommunication, Kane gets dropped by Rhodes and loses the titles for his team.

Daniel finally makes the turn and beats his now-to-be former partner into oblivion. After this savage encounter, Bryan looks down at Kane with somber remembrance. He even touts his ‘YES’ into the air, but with less enthusiasm then normal.

CM Punk lost his match to John Cena on RAW. It was a thirty minute epic that had WrestleMania-quality written all over it. Punk thought he had it in the bag with the Anaconda Vice, but Cena got to the ropes. Cena slapped his signature STF on Punk. Punk lasts a whole minute in the maneuver trying to get out, but nothing works. Punk taps and his dream of main-eventing WrestleMania goes down the tubes.

That next week, the opening promo starts with CM Punk bickering about his loss. He said Cena tapped and the ref screwed him out of his dream. Bryan contritely retorts that the ref, that exact same ref, screwed him out of his tag team championship. Both men seem to be on one ugly page.

A page that would turn to darkness.

DONG

The lights come back to Punk and Bryan meeting their new-found hells inside the ring. Undertaker chokeslams Punk while Kane gets Bryan. The two brothers point to the WrestleMania NY/NJ sign with no additional dialogue needed. This hellacious journey to ‘Mania is on its way!

Yes, Undertaker would need to make some appearances on television. Hell, some of them could even be taped. No, not Dr. Shelby sketches, but some cameos by men from the past should be there (OHHHHHHH YESSSSSSSS Paul Bearer).

Punk and Bryan run roughshod through the best of the WWE. Alberto Del Rio? No problem. Sheamus? Like a shark patrolling around an empty butthole. Ryback? Friggen’ done! Seeing as Jack Swagger was just caught for pot, perhaps he should eat ‘crippling’ finishers from both these guys.

Undertaker and Kane do their mind games. More like a who’s who of what they did in the past, both on their opponents and each other. Wax figures inside caskets work. Zeb Coulter being set on fire sure. Another great segment idea is Undertaker/Daniel Bryan face to face. Daniel Bryan says YES to winning at WrestleMania with the lights on while Undertaker barks NO with the lights going out!

Plus, CM Punk can always beat Kane one-on-one as well. Bryan can be the distraction making Kane lose, and Undertaker puts up a wall of fire as the dastardly Cult of (Multiple) Personalities go up the ramp!

So now at MetLife, how would this match occur?

For starters, Punk and Bryan come out together (to Punk’s music) while Undertaker/Kane come out separately. If snow is falling during Undertaker’s entrance, it would be amongst the strangest mood setting for a ‘Mania perhaps ever. Knowing that part of the country this time of year, it’ll either be nice and warm or cold and ‘action-packed’.

Kane starts out against Punk. The big red machine is a BOSS who flings back Punk and then Bryan with ease. It seems the two smaller technical geniuses are at a mismatch.

However there is a reason why Punk and Bryan are amongst the two of the elite in the WWE. Using frequent tags, these two deceiving grapplers beat the crap out of this giant. Whether it’s kicks, punches, rope-based attacks, or even a few submission holds, Kane is able to hold on, but just by barely. There would be teases of Kane tagging in, but only to be stopped by the last second by either Bryan or Punk.

By this point the phenom wasn’t tagged in yet, but Undertaker is nowhere near silent. Not only does he gets his cheap-shot in, but he even is able to douse himself with a bottle of water to get ready for that ‘hot tag’.

Kane later on gets to the ropes after a No Lock was unsuccessful. Daniel Bryan tries a dropkick, but fails. Kane slouches back into the corner to…tag….in….

UNDERTAKER!

The man in purple and black is going to town! Clothesline after clothesline is served with more ferocity than the last. Bryan suffers from Old School, and slips out of the ring. Undertaker follows suit as he does a modified version of Snake-Eyes: On the barricade THEN the big boot! Punk tries to surprise with a high and tight Anaconda Vice, but ‘Taker shrugs him off like a case of fleas.

‘Taker chokeslams Bryan inside of the ring, but Punk breaks it up. Punk is laughing, but walks into KANE! These two masters of their arts better start prayers because the brothers of destructions are waiting to kill them off!

Undertaker to Daniel Bryan.

Kane to CM Punk.

STEREO TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVERS!

1-2-3!

90,000 people shit their pants with the loudest post-match pyrotechnic display ever seen. Undertaker and Kane as The Brothers of Destruction are announced as the winners as no less than 345 replays are shown of the high spots. In true form, the BOD look back at the crowd, turn their backs to them, and raise their arms in the air as if they were post-mortem members of the Nation of Domination.

With WrestleMania clocking in at four hours long, this match (w/ entrances and other gimmicks) could clock easily 30-35 minutes. It gives all four men plenty of exposure while keeping a competitive battleground. In an environment where most of the men here are either badly banged up and/or getting close to retirement, this is a great opportunity to mesh styles and gain respect the good ol’ fashioned way.

Now I wouldn’t expect this to be Undertaker’s last match. If anything, I am still clamoring him to face John Cena one-on-one before he officially retires. Kane’s time maybe limited, but Punk and Bryan I believe are just now starting to hit their primes.

At the end of the day however, it accomplishments will be aplenty. It takes the primary physical toll of a regular one-on-one match off of CM Punk and Undertaker. It allows Kane and Undertaker to finally be a tag team at WrestleMania. It also allows Daniel Bryan to hook up with Undertaker at least once in his career. It also proves that big-name tag matches not only have a place on the big show card, but can also raise the legend of the card for years to come.

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Bad Booking’s “Dream” Match: D-Generation X vs. Brothers of Destruction

We all know what happened at WrestleMania 26. In the biggest rematch of all time (it seems), Shawn Michaels tried to defy destiny as he went up against Undertaker one more time. Of course if Shawn lost, then good bye Showstopper.

Again, we all know what happened at WrestleMania 26. Shawn lost, retired in an emotional and heartfelt promo, and has only come back for the sporadic appearance.

While it was another classic battle, I can’t help but feel WWE really dropped the ball. We’re in an era now where with two two-hour programs and pay-per-views filling up time, there’s little room for the dream matches we all desire.

That’s why I’m sharing this with you today.

With the tag team championships meaning zilch, it would be behoove to the WWE give the belts a match also designed to help bring credibility back to the gold.

So with little ado, here we go!

BUILDUP: I’m not going into week by week detail, but I will give some highlights.

With the confrontation between Triple H and Kane backstage at the Royal Rumble, it seems as if a future match would be indelible.

Skip ahead to the Elimination Chamber event. After weeks of put-downs, bitch-outs and rejections, Shawn goes to the wayside and superkicks Undertaker out of the World Heavyweight Championship.

Shawn challenges Undertaker to another match the next night on Raw. Instead, Undertaker says he has another idea.

While it would be great to get his meaty hands around the scrawny little neck of Shawn’s, it’d also be great to rid Shawn of gold he possesses. Of course, that title would be the Unified Tag Team Championship with Triple H as his duo in crime.

Shawn has second thoughts, but before he can come up with an answer, the lights flicker back and forth which feature KANE to chokeslam Michaels right into the mat! Triple H tries to rush on down, but the lights go in and out again, and the D-X duo are the only ones in the ring!

The next week on Raw, the Chairman of the Board Vince McMahon comes out to announce some of the bigger matches for Wrestlemania. One of them would be in fact a Unified Tag Team Championship battle between D-Generation X and the Brothers of Destruction. There’ll be no disqualifications, no count-outs, no excuses. In a twist, the losing team will be FIRED!

In perhaps the only segment you’ll ever see Undertaker and Kane attempt to do comedy, they do a “darker” variation of a D-X sketch. Undertaker notes to Kane that at Wrestlemania, they’ll bury two punks who don’t know how to properly bury anyone. If they’re not down with that, then they got three words for them, “REST IN PEACE!” ‘Taker and Kane proceed to do the crotch chop, and straight out of 1999, burn up the symbol!

This angle wouldn’t be without the interferences from all sides. To singles and the occasional multi-tag match, blows have come to blows with both men on both teams. Wrestlemania cannot come soon enough!

ENTRANCES: For a big arena in a big city, both teams in the main event slot deserve the best looking entrances possible.

D-X’s entrance was somewhat mundane. Killing a little time, they high-fived fans down the ramp and around the ringside. No less popular than they were before, pyro and ballyhoo ensue as the original members of DX await their opponents.

The whole University of Phoenix Stadium goes BLACK. Only one voice is heard.

“OH YES!”

Paul Bearer, for the first time in Wrestlemania history, accompanies his son of a monster duo down the aisle way to Undertaker’s music, druids, and fire pyro. Over 70,000 fans, who had seen quite a stacked card already, dug down deep and marked out like little kids over the battle they were about to witness.

Undertaker takes off his hat, and the pyro off the turnbuckles explode as the eyes of the dead man roll back slow. A creepy aside to a dark angle already. It should be noted that Paul does not make a interference in this match, he actually just yells out when the moment calls for it.

Meek little Justin Roberts does the announcing duties as both teams are introduced. Kane & Undertaker are the challengers while Shawn Michaels & Triple H are the Unified WWE Tag Team Champions!

Apparently this match was so big, WWE was able to lure Jim Ross to a big payday just to call this one. Wrestlenewz.com rumors that Ross was paid in the 100K mark for the duty.

THE MATCH: At their corner, a rock-paper-scissors game dictates Shawn Michaels starts the match, while Undertaker starts out for his team.

A collar-and-elbow tie up begin the proceedings, with Undertaker immediately taking charge. He beats Shawn around the ring like a rag doll for a little bit. This includes a few whips, and a massive big boot which Shawn is able to sell like death itself!

However, Shawn is thrown into his corner, and Hunter makes the blind tag. Immediately, Hunter is almost choke-slammed, but Shawn is able to chopblock the left knee and the dead man is down!

Early, Hunter gets the advantage with working over the left leg. So successful, Hunter slaps on the Scorpion Death Lock for good measure!

Kane however makes the save and Hunter breaks the hold. As the younger brother is back to the post, ‘Taker makes the tag and now Triple H has to deal with the big red machine!

Some thunderous clothesline take down The Game, as well as a Irish-whip leading into a big boot! A suplex high and tight makes H writhe in pain off the impact.

With H now in a headlock, it seems as if a little bit of stalling may begin. After a minute of struggle, Triple H elbows Kane in the gut out of the maneuver, only to hit with yet another viscous clothesline!

Triple H is down while Kane, with a scary-looking smile, goes to the outside to retrieve a chair! Kane retrieves the chair from the ringside area, but Shawn gets Kane from behind on a sleeper hold!

Kane is able to throw down Michaels on the Spanish Announce Table, which doesn’t break, and then gets hit with a 2K fine as Michaels receives a tattoo on his head courtesy of a chair!

With Michaels out of the equation, Kane is thinking sordid thoughts. As he throws the chair into the ring, Kane hops onto the apron. only to receive a chopblock of his own by Michaels!

A surprisingly bloody mess, Michaels whips Kane into the ring post on the outside. Kane is then rolled back into the ring where Triple H crawls to a cover only to receive a 2!

Kane tags out to Undertaker as now the dead man does body punches to the King of Kings. Following that, Undertaker throws up Triple H for snake-eyes, then the big boot to the face! A leg drop leads to a near pin, but  a bloody HBK breaks up the three count.

Undertaker and Kane then throw out Shawn and Triple H in STEREO! Both men are thinking of high flying, but only one can really do it. So silently, Kane motions for the fans to VOTE! Kane goes to the ropes for his clothesline, and gets a small pop. Undertaker does a small charge for the leap, and gets a HUGE pop. The leap wins, and Undertaker winds up for it!

Going 338 miles an hour, ‘Taker hustles over the top and takes out D-X! The crowd chants “HOLY SHIT” as Jim Ross tries to announce the carnage.

Kane throws Triple H back in as ‘Taker does the same for Michaels. In an instant, the members of D-X are in desperation offense mode! Both brothers go down in a heap as well over 10 punches were exchanged.

Triple H, still the legal man, drags Kane up. Put into a headlock, but then was reversed into a suplex! Both men are down again, and Undertaker starts storming the ring apron like a mad man dowsing himself with water! Yes, the same thing at the house shows, he does at Wrestlemania!

Both teams have the crowd at a fevered pitch as Shawn has his hand out (with very little blood left) as well as ‘Taker. Simultaneous hot tags, and Undertaker goes to school on Michaels! HIGH IMPACT, HIGH IMPACT, AND MORE HIGH IMPACT!

‘Taker even does the Old School!

Setting up for a chokeslam, H chokes ‘Taker back in the corner. Shawn kips up, hits the elbow on a weak ‘Taker, and then tunes up the band!

Going for the superkick, Shawn’s move gets side-stepped into a DDT! Undertaker goes for the cover and gets a 2!

Kane tries to come in to chokeslam Michaels, but gets cut off, and suffers a DOUBLE DDT by Michaels and Triple H! It was done so swiftly that Kane rolled out of the ring!

As Undertaker gets up, he punches his way out of a hole, as he is then able to make both D-X members bash their heads together! This inadvertently busts Triple H open, as he still has enough whereto to give a low blow to the dead man!

Placing him in the corner closest to the announce tables, Triple H does the mounted punches, only to be given a Last Ride!

Both men are down, and the crowd is buzzing. For what team I don’t know, there isn’t a partisan to be had.

Soon enough, Undertaker gets on his feet, only to be superkicked out of nowhere by HBK, then turned around into a Pedigree by Triple H!

The crowd is hushed. Everyone, including Kane on the outside who might have suffered a concussion, is down.

In the shadows, Triple H slowly crawls for...

1..

2..

I need a distraction, so ladies and gentlemen, here’s Mr. Conway Twitty!

 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

 

NO!

Undertaker barely kicks out of the impossible. Another pin attempt, and ‘Taker rises! The cheers are DEAFENING!

Shawn and Triple H are beaten without mercy at this point, and receive a double chokeslam!

Meanwhile, Kane gets back in the ring and shares a hearty laugh with his brother. They know what they’re gonna do!

‘Taker gets Shawn and Hunter is Kane’s bitch. Simultaneous Tombstone Piledrivers put the duo down! 1-2-3!

Winners and NEW Unified Tag Team Champions: Kane & Undertaker!

As the lights go purple/red with a 18-0 symbol flash, Paul Bearer celebrates with his boys as they are now champs once again.

Meanwhile, Triple H and Shawn Michaels release its time to hang it up. A solid handshake by all four combatants seal the deal as the BOD leaves, and DX gets “THANK YOU DX” chants.

The show ends on somewhat of a somber note, but at least it was a main event worthy of the card it belonged on. Shawn and Hunter made an emotional in-ring promo the next night, and that puts a rap to both of the men’s in-ring careers.

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