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Is everyone up for a Christmas spirit?
Alright boys and girls come around the circle. I’m gonna recap an episode of RAW that has Goldust as a Christmas Tree, Vader as Santa Claus, D-Generation X doing ‘ nice’ things with ‘naughty’ intentions, Paul Bearer giving Undertaker some coal, and New Age Outlaws air-chilling Mankind like a piece of shrunken meat! Get your hot chocolate and Royal Dansk cookies ready, it’s time for a Christmas with Attitude!
Before the recap of the show, a little prologue.
This episode of RAW takes place in a dark time of WWE history. Taking place a month out from the Montreal Screwjob, WWE's ratings in the war were near the lowest they could ever reach. WCW just came off their most momentous PPV event in history with Starrcade. WWE were desperately trying to find out ways to ameliorate the damage.
While WWE would be in full damage control, it was also obvious that the gap between the D-Generation X event and January's Royal Rumble would be an astonishing six weeks. A holiday episode would not throw WWE off track too much, and if done well, could easily lay down solid foundation for the Rumble.
So if you’ve been nice, here is my gift to you. If you have been naughty, well there is a gift somewhere in there…
The opening video package is more or less a riches to rags story of the Legion of Doom.
Once hailed as the greatest tag team in all the world, the Road Warriors were taken down a peg by a rag-tag group of juvenile delinquents. Shawn Michaels, Triple H, Chyna, Road Dogg Jesse James, and Bad Ass Billy Gunn all took turns taking down the duo of Hawk and Animal.
While Animal was driven through an announce table, Hawk had his signature hairpiece shaven off completely. The degenerates stood tall while the fallen warriors looked completely helpless. What hell will happen this week?
Damn was that older style RAW intro AWESOME! Fires pop out of nowhere, brawls are happening on the tip of a hat, and most important, it makes you feel FUCKING PUMPED for the show!
With the camera panning out the crowd, it is really hard to miss the snow-like confetti falling in the arena.
It looks really shitty on camera, almost as shitty as the CGI snow during last year's SMACKDOWN special. Michael Cole, Jim Ross, and Kevin Kelly are the primary unholy announcing trio wherever they are in the arena/Connecticut/whothefuckknows. In addition, the scratch WWF logo of the time has a wreath around it!
D-Generation X starts the show. JR notes how there are special censors for the faction tonight. Oh boy, DICKS DICKS AND MORE DICKS! The men are in bath robes, while Chyna is in her usual dominatrix-style outfit nicely complemented by enhanced boobage. D-X does the usual entrance in said robes, and the pyro goes off as such.
Imagine if HBK's robe was caught on fire during all this?
Anyways, Shawn asks EVERYONE in the attendance if they have been good this year. If they are, then D-X will give them a present. Two fucking hot chicks hold up signs that exclaim, “SHAWN, LET'S PUT THE DX IN SEX!”
That is something you will NOT see in the PG era kids! Shockingly, this is a PG-rated first hour!
Before they can get to the present giving, which in the case of those two girls may be a piss fest, there is business to tend to.
Hunter, who sounds like a prepubescent bitch at this point in his career, talks about how the Outlaws are trying to claim fame to D-X's deed of maiming the Road Warriors. All the Outlaws did was pick through the remains. Hunter tells them to stay out of the way. Ironic indeed. Onto Owen Hart, whose name gets a loud pop and chant. H then goes on to say that since Owen is the baby of the family, Owen knows right where to find a pacifier. Horrendous double entendre as spoken by a guy who sounds like he just left high school.
Shawn takes the mic and starts to hype up the mess he will have with The Undertaker. Shawn puts down Undie, noting that the Dead Man couldn't put him away in two prior matches. For the record, there was a no-contest at Ground Zero, and Kane Tombstoned Undie into oblivion at Badd Blood inside Hell in the Cell. Shawn misjudges about how he beat Undertaker like a red-headed stepchild, when in reality it was him who took most of the beatings/ To even further the madness, Shawn proudly admits that not only does he not rest in peace, but he thrusts his hips in saying he can be up all night!
Getting off that subject, it's time to fulfill a promise!
Shawn and Hunter reveal not-too-revealing boxers at first. BUT, they then take off those boxers and reveal skimpier underdrawers censored by the D-X censor.
“WILL YOU LOOK AT THOSE NUTS,” screams Ross in the most subtle of ways. When I when subtle, I mean he knows he’s hitting all the possible meanings at once.
Shawn then practically tells the roster to kiss their (as in he and Hunter's) asses by allowing Chyna to put mistletoe directly above their backsides. An older couple is bewildered yet amused. Speaking of which, here comes the American Fatass, Sgt. (Commissioner) Slaughter!
When Maffew of Botchamania refers to corsping, Slaughter during this segment could actually be a good example.
Hunter and Shawn are endlessly doing stupid shit around him, trying to egg him on. Reminding Shawn of certain contract clauses, Slaughter is either letting Shawn go in the ring with European Title on the line, or the belt will be stripped.
Shawn, said with quite the double-meaning, exclaims how he is not afraid of getting stripped of anything. In addition, he tells Slaughter he can defend it against anyone, anywhere, anytime. Remember RAW in 1993 with Marty Jannetty? Well guess what, Slaughter just told Shawn the title match will be against Hunter. This is obviously a disguise to break up D-X. H vows to defeat Michaels, but Shawn reminds the young grasshopper he lays down for no one.
As the D-X music hits, we are also informed that Undertaker will be facing Intercontinental Champion The Rock this evening as well!
As we come back from break, look at how this announcing trio is situated. They all look way too happy, and green-screened in front of the crowd! I know the show was taped, but holy damn was it edited sloppy.
“This is Equivalent to Getting a Tie” Match: Headbanger Thrasher (w/ Headbanger Mosh) vs. Henry O. Godwinn (w/ Phineas I. Godwinn). The match was setup over miscommunication from Shotgun Saturday Night. Michael Cole appears out of nowhere to interview the HOG/PIG combo. Who the hell cares anyway. A quickie that ends in a DQ win for the Headbanger. Godwinns start whipping their opponents like government mules with the leather belts. Tony Garea and Gerald Brisco try to intervene, but to no avail. WINNER: HEADBANGER THRASHER by DQ.
Recap package on how Dude Love beat both the New Age Outlaws in one-on-one competition, only to be subject to some brutal beatings. One of them left Love broken on the floor just off the stage. I think something was botched, because Love should have landed on the table, but instead landed almost directly on the concrete!
Mankind is seen in a pre-taped package in the bowels of the arena so to speak. Foley explains how when Dude Love's ribs are broken, so is Mankind's! Mankind is vowing revenge!
UP NEXT, SANTA MEETS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN! But not before we see an advertisement for WWF The Music Volume 2! The one where Vince McMahon sings HBK's theme! Hide the kids, hide the wife!
After a short clip of Austin’s chucking Rock’s IC title into the river from last week, there is an “after hours” clip of the proposed Santa/Austin debacle. It started when Santa anticipated Sable to say whether she was naughty or nice. She couldn't come, and Santa became mightily pissed.
The boy who sat on his lap is not Sable, therefore it doesn't matter. The kid accused of Santa of being fake. Mr. Claus tells him to get out of here.
KEEE-RASHHHH!
Here comes Mr. Austin bedecked in jeans, a vest, and a microphone. In his usual style, Austin becomes belligerent and vile towards Mr. Santa. Austin lashes out at Santa for throwing the kid out of the ring. Furthermore, Austin could prove if the Santa in the ring is the real one by telling a 'real' anecdote. Does Santa remember what Austin got for Christmas when he was six (or seven) years old? Playing the senile old fuck card, Claus quips back with Tiddly Winks and a Barbie Doll.
Massive boos and commentating WTFs all over the place.
Austin takes a good once-over on Santa, with the belief the look is authentic. The kid nods that it isn't the real Santa. Austin does his crowd survey and asks if the Santa is real, give him a 'HELL NO!' And I don't mean the Daniel Bryan/Kane team!
Steve then tells Santa that he has a present for him:
STUNNER!
Austin beats the shit out of him as the segment wraps up.
Triple H and Shawn Michaels are yelling at each like two bitches in the D-X locker room. Trouble in paradise? Rock and 'Taker NEXT!
One of those WWF Attitude videos play during the break. Still can't understand Ahmed Johnson! And when the rest of the superstars list their great athletic achievements, why does Undertaker list his height and weight? Wasn’t he a basketball player or something? I don’t think ‘328’ was ever a jersey number on the Death Valley Worshippers team!
The Nation vs. The Cremation Match: Intercontinental Champion The Rock (w/ Nation of Domination) vs. Undertaker. Rock's opening promo is during the point in his career where he tried to be an intellectual. Good thing he'd stick to comedy later.
Undertaker comes down with a pained look in his face like, “Why am I wrestling tonight?” From sources I've read, apparently 'Taker's real life father was experiencing health issues at the time and it took its toll on the man behind the Phenom.
Rock does one of those Pearl Harbor like sneak attacks, but the big guy quickly takes control. I find it funny how Hulk Hogan does a big boot/legdrop combo for the end of a match, yet Undertaker does it and its really just a mid-match sequence. DAMN! Undertaker tries old school, but as Paul Bearer walks on down, Kama Mustafa low-blows the dead man.
This leads to break.
After an MSG advertisement, the show returns with Undertaker getting mugged by all members of The Nation. Undertaker is thrown back in, and Rock goes back to work. Hell, Maivia drops the elbow, but only gets a two for his efforts. More distractions from ringside allow Rock to get the low-blow in, and thus gain even more momentum. Undertaker does get a desperation legdrop in, but his stature is interrupted once more by Nation interference. As Rock tries to whip him to the post, Undertaker hits the chokeslam! Then the Tombstone! 'Taker tries to cover, however the arena goes black.
It only means one thing!
KANE!
This match apparently ends in a no-contest, so it's all well and dandy.
Paul Bearer invites the crowd to lay their eyes upon the Phenom, as he is a shell of his former self. After Bearer demeans him some more, 'Taker tries to choke him out, but Kane attacks. 'Taker nearly got a goozle on Kane, but instead is beaten down to the corner. Undie lies a beaten man as the European Championship match between HHH and HBK is hyped.
The first hour of action ends on two recap packages: the first was what happened moments ago with Undertaker/Kane/Paul Bearer, then the second was recapping the opening segment pitting Hunter against Shawn for the Euro title.
European Championship match doesn't get underway here. Chyna carries both WWE and Euro title belts. Shawn comes out first, and Hunter follows suit.
As Hunter is coming down, Owen Hart comes out of the back and beats down Helmsley! Both Hunter and Shawn accuse a presiding Slaughter of setting the attack up. JR calls out Oliver Stone, saying it's a conspiracy theory. Ten years later, it would have been Jesse Ventura! Predictably, another video package recaps this. Now I wonder where the current crop of WWE's editors know how to use/waste time!
Another really REALLY creepy screen shot of the announcers. However, we have Jim Ross paired with Jim Cornette this time! Jimmy has this look where he may very well be going through that Kentucky Dairy Queen all over again. Cornette then does a hype job on the impending Mankind/NAO confrontation. Sometimes, the more the things change the more they stay the same.
Speaking of which we have those pesky Outlaws in pseudo-mining gear! Will they have to go through RC Cola cans and Moon Pies to find him? Jimmy notes about the coal mine, and hopefully he didn't think about the future too much. The two go to work on some scrub who they think is Mankind, but stop to realize HE ISN'T?!?!?!?!? The jeans and leather jacket of that random dude MUST have given that away!
A Marvelous Reindeer Match: 'Marvelous' Marc Mero (w/ Sable) vs. 'Not That Cool' Scott Taylor. If you want to know how uncharismatic Mero is, JR notes off the bat that Sable apparently is not only in the building, but wearing something that is quite ravishing. The crowd is chanting 'SABLE' so loudly, I can't hear what Mero has to say! Oh for shame!
Anyways, Mero's property comes down to the ring in a admittedly adorable reindeer costume.
Cornette likens Mero to Ralph Kramden, only Jackie Gleason captivated an audience! SNAP! Sabledeer's nose lights up at least but she is forced to leave the ring as the supposed match takes place. Sable decapitated her costume. Taylor gets the early advantage on Mero but loses it on a whip reversal.
Sable's rack is so friggen' huge she's stretching the reindeer outfit mightily! Scottie Not 2 Hotty gets the distracted Mero off his feet, and even gets a nice dropkick in! Out of nowhere though, Mero is able to nail his TKO. 1-2-3, and we got a clean finish ladies and gentlemen! Mero doesn't like Taylor looking at Sable, so he beats him down some more. Tom Brandi stops further punishment by coming in and pounding on Mero! In this fracas, Marc wrenches his knee into the security wall thus not allowing him to fully get his bearings.
Sable ditches the reindeer outfit and comes out in a VERY PROVACATIVE Santa's Helper get-up. Sable's tights would get a better reaction than Marc Mero getting chucked off a steel cage! Whew, that's a wrap. WINNER: MARC MERO, but all the male fans of the WWE just got a real nice, erm, PACKAGE themselves!
Yet another Owen jumps Helmsley package. OVERKILL!
Meanwhile, Triple H cuts a mini promo on Shawn in his locker-room with Chyna whispering sweet nothings in his ear. Nothing special.
‘The Lump of Coal in Your Stocking Challenge”: 8-Ball (w/ Disciples of Apocalypse) vs. Kurrgan (w/ Jackyl). Ladies and Gentlemen, there are not many combinations known to man who could fully kill a crowd's heat in Attitude Era WWE. However, any mixture of The Truth Commission is easily amongst the tops of the list. Kurrgan’s best performance would be in the movie 300. Sparta this match is not. It's shit, and a squash to boot. Kurrgan gets the win off of distraction by Jackyl. The Commission does a beat down of 8-Ball. However, Crush comes in with a 2x4 and cleans house. WINNER: Technically Kurrgan, but not a single soul in the audience. Before Divas, this guy was the piss break.
The New Age Outlaws are STILL searching for the doofus Mankind. They trample over boxes and darkness and still can't get the job done in this segment. Hype jobs for HHH/HBK main event with Shamrock/D-Lo NEXT!
A whole bunch more recap packages in the next few minutes. I swear, this all that time could have easily allocated another mid-card match. Or even more time to the match coming up next:
The Nation vs. The Submission: D-Lo Brown (w/ Nation of Domination) vs. Ken Shamrock. Ken delivers sequential attacks to Brown's left leg, always thinking about the submission. For the next few minutes, Brown and Shamrock swap punches and holds. So far, not bad at all. The match would end suddenly when Shamrock, with all wits about him, slaps on that Ankle Lock! WINNER: KEN SHAMROCK
Rock shows up on the entrance ramp to deliver yet another promo. This time he tries to explain the Gulf, but throw it aside. He then asks Shamrock if he accepts his challenge at the Royal Rumble for the Intercontinental Championship. As Rock awaits the answer, he corrals his troops back to the base and the segment ends here.
Shawn Michaels has his 'reply' segment. Essentially, its the same thing as earlier with the trash talk, whispering in the ear, etc.
The delinquent Outlaws are at it again, searching for the deranged Mankind. They are searching in the “inner-most bowels” as Cornette terms it. Hiding behind a stack of boxes, Mankind attacks! Screaming out Christmas lyrics with each passing blow, this is certainly NOT your typical Christmas segment! The tides would turn though.
Those pesky Outlaws would then gain enough advantage to lock Mankind into a walk-in freezer! Mankindcicle huh Cornette?
That one blaring horn could only mean one thing: TAFKA Goldust. For those who don't know, that's The Artist Formerly Known As Goldust. Continuing on recent trends, Goldie is bedecked in Christmas ornaments thus resembling a human Christmas tree.
Luna Vachon looks like the normal one which is hard to believe under most circumstances. Luna does a intro to the heathen known as the Bizarre One, who then proceeds to read The Night Before Christmas! A random ass Santa Claus comes on down the ramp. Not the guy Austin stunnered earlier. Fake snow falls again as the Santa impersonator makes his presence known. Goldie starts to berate the jolly ol' fat guy until he gets hit with a sack...... OF PRESENTS! He immediately bails along with Luna to the back as it is revealed that Santa was really VADER CLAUS!
The Euro title match is next! YIPPEE! FINALLY!
“The We Made An Ass Out of You” European Championship Match, Shawn Michaels © vs. Triple H: The intros finally play without incident, which also means we here Tony Chimmel drone on and on with things. Cornette picks Hunter to win this. It's also noted that USA has allowed the program to go over just in case. Chyna looks like, “When the hell will this happen?” Right now apparently as the bell sounds. Two intense looks on both gentlemen (I say that loosely), and they're about to hook up.
Or stretch. JR and James E do a nice job covering up this debauchery you normally don't see. Psych outs are happening too as both men halt lock-ups. Boos are coming in as Michaels actually LAYS DOWN. Yes, as in on his back and willing to do his 'job'. Hunter prances around like a bitch, and 'splashes' Shawn for the pin cover. After the D-X music blares, Cornette goes bombastic over his charade on commentary. HE WAS BAMBOOZLED PEOPLE! The two act like it's a major accomplishment while they knew what they were doing all along. It was brilliant in a way, where Slaughter thought he could break the group up, but instead he got tricked at his own game.
As Slaughter is crotch-chopped and belittled, he smirks with Helmsley facing Owen Hart for the HHH's title next week! The show ends with D-X having two champions, two belts.
WINNER and NEWWWWWWWWWW EUROPEAN CHAMPION: TRIPLE H
CONCLUSION: This RAW was weird.
Very very weird.
Not only was it a RAW in the darkest days of the WWE, but It was a taped RAW in the middle of a 6 week gap between pay-per-view events.
Some of the editing was god awful as witnessed by the non-existent green screen announcers. Some of the dubs seem very obvious, like Jim Cornette wondering aloud about how many bowels can there be in a building.
That snow may also be the dandruff of every jobber in the company at the time. It was that bad.
This show did have some merits. The Brown/Shamrock match was decent for the three minutes it had, the Mankind/NAO arc was pretty funny, and Goldust getting whacked by a sack of presents is one of those moments too absurd to be believed.
Then there was the overabundance of the recaps, particularly D-X's problems. By the time the main event rolled around, it seemed as if most bookers would have failed the EWR games for over-exposing Michaels and Helmsley.
Overall, it was one of those episodes where nothing was lost nor gained. A holiday bye-week, it meant some of the strangest shit in all of 1997 was on display. Some of it was good, some of it bad, some of it memorable, some of it not so memorable. WWE was still trying to find itself, but did not succeed here.
As we go into 1998, let it be known as Austin's road to the top was nearing a major career crossroads. Would he make it? Only time would tell.
Now go to ye beds as Santa Claus brings down his sack of presents!
Heheh, I said “sack”.
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