WrestleMania Profile: Brock Lesnar

There are men on the WWE roster who have made great impressions over a short time. On the flip side, there are men on the WWE roster who have made little to no impression during their long tenures.

Count Brock Lesnar as one to the former.

Brock is an amazingly gifted athlete. His NCAA championships would serve him very well into the transition to WWE.

In his first six months on the main roster, Brock went from a monster heel killing The Hardy Boyz, to becoming WWE Champion. It was one of the first signs that a change in the guard was coming. With Vince’s company coming off the name change and the end of the Attitude Era. Brock was the face of Ruthless Aggression. Add in a manager, Paul Heyman, and magic was born.

Heyman would turn on Lesnar at Survivor Series 2002 with Big Show, thus solidifying Brock as a good guy.

All this would lead to not only a Royal Rumble victory, but also a shot at the WWE Championship come WrestleMania XIX.

His opponent you ask? A gold-medal Olympic champion by the name of Kurt Angle.

These two men standing face-to-face meant one thing: expect lots of lots of good old fashioned WRESTLING. Sure there was a good chunk of brawling and other shenanigans, but the heart of this contest was laid down in swapping holds.

While this was indeed a very good match it was an unexpected error by Lesnar that changed the game.

With Angle lying prone on the mat, Lesnar threw caution to the wind. He scaled the top rope with a mission at hand. Lesnar flew, but crashed badly. ON HIS FUCKING HEAD!

Lesnar had botched a Shooting Star Press. If it weren't for Angle moving out of the way, we wouldn't be talking about 'The Pain' right now.

Lesnar suffered a concussion off the move. It somehow didn't deter him from delivering a F-5 to cover Kurt. After escaping disaster, a sportsmanlike embrace capped this contest. (On an unrelated note: the hug helped turn Angle face after Kurt returned from neck surgery a couple of months later.)

Lesnar would recover quickly and resume defending the title.

By the time January of 2004 rolled around, Lesnar has completely flipped.

He had turned heel with the guidance of Vince McMahon. Brock had lost then  regained the WWE Championship by defeating Kurt Angle in an amazing Iron Man contest. There was a trail of blood, sweat, and tears (thanks to Zach Gowen's mother) to Lesnar's madness.

The Royal Rumble of 2004 saw Bill Goldberg, who had lost his World Heavyweight Championship the month before, vow to win the big match and go on to 'Mania. Brock Lesnar interrupted the interview saying that since he is the WWE Champion, all the attention should be on him. After Goldberg briefly scared Lesnar, it was evident that the big Georgian was not wavered in his quest.

Then Brock showed up.

Near the very end of the event, Lesnar rushed the ring to give Goldberg a THUNDEROUS F-5. This set up for Goldberg's elimination and Lesnar satisfied in his revenge.

What comes around comes around.

The next month at No Way Out, Goldberg returned the favor.

He Speared Lesnar into oblivion, which allowed Lesnar's opponent Eddie Guerrero to hit the Frog Splash. Eddie was the new WWE Champion while Lesnar was once again on the outside looking in.

After some reservation from Vince McMahon, Lesnar and Goldberg was set for WrestleMania XX. With Stone Cold Steve Austin as the ref.

It was a huge buildup with the possibility of two universes colliding in one epic showdown. How did it do?

Infamously bad!

WRESTLECRAP!

Brock and Bill were both leaving the WWE after this PPV to pursue their other endeavors. The opening portion, a LONG one, was almost constant jaw-jacking. No action save a shove. Hell, a HOGAN chant broke out for something completely irrelevant ringside.

Goldberg would win with the Jackhammer to a chorus of boos. Both men were heavily booed, so nothing changed on that front. Austin would have the last laugh as he Stunnered both men out of the company covered in beer to boot.

As for Lesnar, his short WrestleMania resume is more memorable than most superstars'. For all the good and bad reasons, Lesnar will be a legend at 'Mania, even if his stats sheet is just lines long.

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CONTESTS

WrestleMania XIX: Brock Lesnar def. Kurt Angle via pinfall to capture the WWE Championship. Lesnar botched a Shooting Star Press near the very end and nearly killed himself. Lesnar got to his feet and F-5'ed Angle out of sheer instinct. After the contest, both men shared an embrace. (21:08) ****1/4

WrestleMania XX: Goldberg def. Brock Lesnar via pinfall after Lesnar suffered both a spear and Jackhammer. Steve Austin, the referee, pinned Lesnar's shoulders down. Post-match, both combatants in the match received Stunners, the only cheers this match got. (13:47) *

Length of In-Ring Action: 34:55 (34 minutes, 55 seconds, or approximately 17:27 a match)

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WrestleMania Profile: ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage

When you think of WrestleMania, you would normally think of men like Hogan, Undertaker, Shawn Michaels, and perhaps John Cena. One man whose history is often overlooked, especially in today’s climate, is Macho Man Randy Savage.

Savage, real name Randy Poffo, had a history enriched in wrestling. His father, Angelo, was also a wrestler and promoter. Freakishly enough though, Angelo’s claim to fame was his uncanny ability to do sit-ups for endurance time periods, thus necessitating an appearance on Ripley’s Believe it or Not.

Savage’s notoriety in the territories made him an instant heat magnet in the WWE. In 1985, Randy debuted against ‘Quick Draw’ Rick McGraw, and beat the jobber to a pulp. His presence was immediately felt in the WWE Universe.

By the time 1986 rolled around, Savage’s momentum was on an upward swing. In February of that year, Savage won the Intercontinental Championship from Tito Santana. This would lead to Savage’s first ‘Mania program with George Steele.

Steele, whose personality primarily revolved around acting like a heelish animal in earlier times, resorted to acting like a benevolent animal in 1980s WWE. Savage taunted him while flaunting his belt. Steele would lose his match, but not his fans.

Savage’s title reign would last over a year. It had a great array of matches ranging in opponents ranging from Steele, to Jake Roberts, to Ricky Steamboat.

Steamboat was injured at the hands of Savage on Saturday Night’s Main Event in November of 1986 as Savage dropped the axe-handle from the top turnbuckle onto a prone Steamboat on the guardrail. Ricky returned a couple of months later to challenge Savage for the IC gold at WrestleMania III. In front of the historically large crowd of 93,000+ people at the Pontiac Silverdome, Steamboat won the gold in a match where the game changed. This contest influenced a generation of new wrestlers, from the high-flying to the multiple near-falls.

The sunset of 1987 brought an about-face to Savage’s character. A feud with Honky Tonk Man led to Savage turning good, something that the fans had been dying to see by this point.

For 1988, a brand new challenge would surface itself. After a controversial decision forced Jack Tunney’s hand, the WWE Championship was vacated in favor of a 16-man tournament to crown the new champion.

After Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant, the two men originally embroiled in controversy, lost the big match to a double-disqualification, the field was left wide open. Savage, after winning three grueling matches earlier in the night, was left to face Ted DiBiase, whose night was slightly less enduring. With help from Hogan, Savage got the edge and become champion! All was right in the world as the Mega-Powers formed from the ground to rule the WWE with an iron fist.

Things would fall apart though. Savage accused Hogan of being jealous of both Elizabeth and his WWE Championship. This would lead to the Mega-Powers colliding and then exploding at WrestleMania V, where Hogan won the title again in a hard-fought battle.

Of all the ‘Manias Savage was in, only VI was his real clunker. A forgettable tag match in the undercard of this mammoth event was not what Savage needed, but the next year would provide perhaps Savage’s greatest wrestling moment period.

Savage’s feud with the Ultimate Warrior stemmed from Warrior not allowing Randy to get a title shot. Randy ultimate screwed Warrior out of the WWE Championship by slamming him in the head with his scepter, thus allowing Iraqi sympathizer Sgt. Slaughter to win the gold. Two months of bizarre happenings would ensue, leading to the announcement of the loser retiring following the bout. The two went hard and heavy during the course of the bout. Savage even went so far as to provide FIVE flying elbows to Warrior! None of those put him down! Warrior charged back with his shoulder blocks. The third one was so forceful that Savage needed to be dragged back inside the ring to be counted down! (Read the match histories below to view what happened post-match.)

Going into WrestleMania VIII, Savage had returned to the WWE to fight off challenges from Jake Roberts. After the Rumble, it was revealed that Ric Flair alleged he had relations with Liz. Therefore Flair’s gold was up for grabs. Savage would defer Flair’s tricks, and came up golden for the second time in his WWE career.

In a strange turn of events, Savage went to commentating for WrestleMania IX. Chalk it up to injury, subpar card placement, whatever you will. At least he looked only like Macho can as he was dressed in his ‘traditional’ outfit amongst a sea of togas!

Lastly, WrestleMania X saw him get out of the booth, and battle his former friend Crush. In the Falls Count Anywhere stip of 1994, the referee has a minute to count-out either of the combatants. Crush was unsuccessful in taming Savage, but Randy’s masterful plan worked. Crush was hanging around so to speak as Randy ran back into the ring to win the match. A unique albeit average match, it ended Savage’s WrestleMania career on a whimper.

In the long run though, Savage’s WrestleMania trials and tribulations would be summarized as legendary. Many great matches and opponents would help Randy elevate his game. A two-time WWE Championship winner on the grandest stage, and even retained the IC belt once. Savage is often overlooked for helping contribute to WrestleMania’s legacy, and that is a shame.

Savage would work for WCW and TNA while retiring quitely later in the 2000’s. He died in the year 2011 after suffering a heart attack while being behind the wheel. His wife may no have been able to save him, but she drove Savage’s car to safety without hitting other vehicles.

Hopefully by reading this, you’ll see that Savage belongs to the long list of greats at this historic event. He has had more than his fair share of great moments, and some of matches are right up there with the best of the rest. Savage will always be a part of wrestling folklore, and this proves it.

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CONTESTS

WrestleMania II: Randy Savage (w/ Elizabeth) def. George 'the Animal' Steele via pinfall to retain the Intercontinental Championship as he used the ropes for leverage. Steele went chasing the referee post-match. (7:08) *1/4

WrestleMania III: Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat def. Randy Savage (w/ Elizabeth) via an inside cradle pin. George Steele was in Dragon’s corner, and would prove substantial as he stopped Savage from beating in Steamboat’s larynx with a ringbell. Steele and Steamboat celebrated post-match. (14:35) ****1/2

WrestleMania IV: Randy Savage won the 16-Man WWE Championship Tournament to become the new WWE Champion. He defeated Butch Reed (4:09), Greg Valentine (6:07), One Man Gang (4:37 via DQ), and Ted DiBiase (9:17) to win it all. Overall: ****, mainly because of the execution of the title win.

WrestleMania V: Hulk Hogan def. Randy Savage via pinfall to become the new WWE Champion. Elizabeth, whom the feud revolved upon, was sent backstage although she stayed in a neutral position. (17:54) ****

WrestleMania VI: Dusty Rhodes & Sapphire def. Macho King Randy Savage & Sensational Sherri when Sapphire rolled up Sherri off a distraction by Elizabeth. (7:31) *

WrestleMania VII: Ultimate Warrior def. Randy Savage in a 'Retirement' Match after pinning Savage on the last of three shoulder blocks. After the match, Sherri became enraged with Savage for losing. This prompted Elizabeth to rush into the ring and stand by her man, although things looked estranged. Savage accused Elizabeth of jumping him, but she ultimately persuaded him it wasn't her. After a brief stare-down, Savage embraced Elizabeth to start his 'retirement' right. Savage took a bow while holding the ropes for Elizabeth. (20:46) *****, for everything from the match to the emotionally draining post-match angle.

WrestleMania VIII: Randy Savage def. Ric Flair (w/Mr. Perfect) via reversal of figure-four to inside cradle pin to become the NEW WWE Champion. Flair kissed Liz, only for Savage to pounce on him while still feeling the effects from earlier. (18:01) ****

WrestleMania IX: Savage arrived in grand style to assume his seat at ringside to commentate on the show.

WrestleMania X: Randy Savage def. Crush in a 'Falls Count Anywhere' match after Crush was hanging upside down backstage, and couldn't answer the referee's count back to the ring. This would be Savage's last in-ring performance in the WWE.  (10:00) **1/2

Overall Record: 7-4* (*: All four of IV’s tournament matches counted separately.)

Overall Combined Length In-Ring: 1:52:05 (1 hour, 52 minutes, 5 seconds).

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For more WrestleMania Profiles, please click on the following:

Shawn Michaels 

Bret Hart

Steve Austin

The Rock

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How is WrestleMania Shaping Up?

We're just a few short weeks away from WrestleMania!

At this point, we're just past the halfway point between Elimination Chamber and the show of all shows.

The headlining matches are set in stone. All we need is some well-executed story angles, and then a million purchases of the PPV will be made around the world.

While we are still in the midst of buildup, I'm gonna offer some opinions on how the matches are playing out so far. Now I'm not going to go into the undercard, but will stay primarily in the ballpark of the card that screams, “SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!”

First up, and the most obvious rematch, The Rock versus John Cena for the WWE Championship.

Most of the internet predicted how they would come together back months before, and sadly, WWE stayed true to that course. At the Royal Rumble in January, Cena won the Rumble match while The Rock won the title later in the evening from CM Punk. With the exception of a couple of roadblocks (like Cena/Punk on RAW that was an easy four-star encounter), nothing wavered. I will give WWE credit on two things however. First, the March 4^th edition of RAW had a really strong promo segment with both combatants. Most of the ring time these two shared featured quotable quotables that were nothing more than puerile jokes that got old faster than The Truth Commission. This promo was different. Rock and Cena seemed both passionate and hard-edged on their their respective approaches to WrestleMania. It was straight to the point with no bullshit. In a day and age where inappropriate verbal jabs are on call, this was shockingly refreshing. Number two is that the week after (3/11), both men were not on the broadcast. The Rock was promoting the new G.I Joe movie in South Korea, with WWE Championship around his waist. Rock's inconsistent live appearances were an issue in past buildups of 'Mania, but at least this time, WWE took note that Rock had legit big-name blockbusters to promote, and that they couldn't play the satellite card. Cena was also taken off the broadcast so he can rest and let the audience grow fonder. The only thing that can be done to make this angle more tasty is to turn Cena temporarily heel. Knowing WWE's hardline stance on their bread-winner, its probably never going to happen. In the mean-time, lets all hope and pray that Rock will be in better ring shape, and not look winded in three minutes.

Next up we're gonna discuss Brock Lesnar and Triple H.

Another rematch with roots stemming back to as early as last May. Brock has broken Triple H's arm twice, once on RAW and once at SummerSlam during their first encounter. Triple H looked like he had intended to step away following his bitter submission defeat. Things changed dramatically as Lesnar returned to flatten Vince McMahon, H's father-in-law. Vince's bedside following hip replacement surgery invigorated The Game. Sean Bean, erm, TRIPLE H was back! Trips busted Lesnar up during their scuffle, and also shook the man's confidence somewhat. Brock in return destroyed The New Age Outlaws, the tag team portion of H's long-time mainstay group of D-Generation X. Paul Heyman furthered up the suspense even further that although Brock said yes to the challenge, Lesnar was going to decide what match it is going to be AFTER the contract was signed. MMA? Hell in the Cell? Last Man Standing? Your guess is as good as mine. This build has been good, but I hope the match turns out to be better than their battle in Los Angeles.

Following that we have Undertaker and CM Punk.

Of all the matches so far announced, this was by far the most rushed match done yet. It feels like it has been done 'Joker' style as in there have been no plans. With how bad Undertaker's health was rumored to be, they had to scramble for 'Taker to say yes, and if he did, make angles accordingly. How Punk entered the predicament, by winning a Fatal-Four-Way on RAW, was so bad that it caused the head of creative to be canned. It's not all pushing daisies though. The untimely death of Paul Bearer inadvertently really helped this angle get massive heat. Punk finally looks like a dastardly bastard with Undertaker (AND KANE) seeking revenge. I just really wished WWE took my idea. Two hurt men could be public relations disaster at 'Mania, and with something obvious on the horizon (the breakup of Team Hell No), its better to make a tag match with these guys at 'Mania. Honestly, the matches these two had in 2009 weren’t great by any stretch, and this would not be any better. I would love to see more mind games come to play, especially ones from Punk.

Last up for bids today is the World Heavyweight Championship power struggle between Alberto Del Rio and Jack Swagger.

Jack Swagger came back with a vengeance. After being left off television for roughly six months, he came back with a new look, new attitude, and a new mouthpiece in Dutch Mantell, aka Zeb Coulter. This match came together after Swagger won the Elimination Chamber match at the same-named PPV. With a extremist Tea Party parody as a speaker, Swagger’s America was rolling seemingly to a title win. Only Biff from Back to the Future got pulled over for speeding while weeding and potentially put the whole thing to flux. Through incomprehensible media attention, from TMZ to Glen Beck, Swagger's 'Mania match was saved. The outcome predictably points to ADR retaining (most likely via submission), but the fact we have racist 2004-JBL-style promos/videos back in the WWE is entertaining and hilarious. Even if it isn't PC, or PG.

Speaking of using drugs to get over, it's time to put this post to rest. WrestleMania still has tons of potential in the bank, but WWE needs to pull the trigger on additional lures of bait. Let's all hope that the ensuing show turns out to be the biggest smash the promotion has yet!

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Remembering Paul Bearer (OH YES!)

 

It was Tuesday night at approximately 9ish when I heard about a rumor.

While listening to Kayfabe Wrestling Radio (which just so happened to feature my friends over at VIPRude) , there lied a Facebook post saying Paul Bearer died at approximately 5:00 PM EST.

I suddenly felt ‘Moody’.

It’s odd that I feel so strongly about Bearer considering I wasn’t a fan of professional wrestling in my formative years. Bearer didn’t become a fixture on my television screen until the year 2004, and even then I knew he was there for practically a nostalgia pop.

What William Moody brought to the proverbial table though was something unique and special, which was to compliment a character equally as unique and special.

A licensed mortician (and he has even kept up on his licenses until death), Moody made strong enough impressions on promoters that he became a manager full-time.

To think that before he became a staple of the WWE, Percival Pringle the Third (III) was quite the decorated mouthpiece. Through the territories and towns, his clientele of wrestlers included Rick Rude, Lex Luger, Blackjack Mulligan, Dingo Warrior (who then became to be ultimately known as the ULTIMATE WARRIOR), amongst a who’s who of legendary greats.

Then Vince and the WWE came a-calling.

It was what you would call the ultimate Christmas present. A few days shy of Christmas 1990, Moody was invited by Vince McMahon to talk business.

Business that would be historic.

Little did William know his background in funeral getups set him up for a lifelong gimmick as a creepy mortician.

Paul Bearer was set up with newly-arrived Undertaker (Mark Calaway). While heels were hated before, these two took it to a whole new level. At live events, it was not uncommon to see kids turn away from the sight of these hideous characters. These same kids were also frightened by the very notion of their heroes about to get their asses kicked by death himself. It was a great paradox for both men, as the gimmick for Mark became more over than rover, and Moody was also just as synonymous with the sidekick.

Even in this wacky world of WWE, these two have a bond that would ultimately stand the test of time. Between betrayals, shocking unveilings, and reconciliations, Undertaker had his guidance peering ever so closely with an urn to possess it all.

While Paul Bearer’s most famous client was The Undertaker, he had several other men underneath his guidance. First we have Mankind (Mick Foley), whom Paul Bearer sided with when he heinously turned his back on Undertaker at SummerSlam 1996. Then there was Vader who started to have a beef with ‘Taker in early 1997.

Then there was Kane, Undertaker’s younger brother. A gimmick that could have been easily WrestleCrap, Glen Jacobs evolved under both Moody and Calaway. Both men rubbed off on his impressionable young man (who was born on a naval base in Spain), and it paid dividends big time.

Bearer has been subject to caricature in recent times from his facial movements to endlessly being tortured. His penultimate WWE appearance saw in being pushed off a makeshift scaffold, in a wheelchair no less, through tables a good 30-40 feet below. He also had the unfortunate final send-off in WWE as being locked in a meat freezer with Kane pretty much laughing it off. Don’t feel too bad though, as Bearer did manage Kane through his lengthy 2010 World Heavyweight Championship reign.

From most accounts, Mr. Moody has been described as practically one of the greatest men in wrestling. He has a charming attitude, a great sense of humor, and more yet, is a man you would definitely want to have a beer with. While sadly I never got to meet Mr. Pringle, I will say that with how he has been described, I feel like I have met him and he became one of my best friends.

One way that Bearer helped me while being a fan was that his character was so exaggerated that I found the finer points of how to imitate a character. His voice has been recreated by quite a few fans over the years, and even by Dolph Ziggler in the WWE tribute.

As a matter of fact, I invite you to watch Episode 46 of Mark’d Up. Yours truly actually did a Paul Bearer impression that culminated in a reading of Percy’s Prayer. While I don’t know how I stacked up compared to other impressions, I can tell you I gave it all I had with some quivering in my voice.

I can’t help but imagine what Bearer’s character would have been if he was one dimensional. Keep in mind folks, he’s had multiple shades of hair, multiple voice octaves, and multiple attires. One day he’s a ghoulish white-faced manager, and the next he looks like a fat man from the street. All the while still scary as hell with the intent of mind games always brewing.

Before I wrap this up, I do need to tell a Paul Bearer story.

So it’s WrestleMania XX. Madison Square Garden. The Undertaker is coming back with all signs pointing to the arrival of the Dead Man.

Long before Bad Booking knew about dirt sheets, I had to go by what I knew. I heard about the exploits of Bearer, but never saw the man straight up live. Or in this case at home on the couch.

I made a joking aside with one of my brother’s friends. We both had a PB impression going on during Kane’s entrance, but when that creepy little man bellowed out his signature phrase, marking out was not the accurate term for how pumped up the room was. The man with the urniverse in his hands had returned, and so hath the Dead Man Undertaker.

I hope you enjoyed reading this ‘emergency’ edition of the blog. It’s eerie how one man can make such a large impact while for the most part only coming in for a classic run. William A. Moody represents what is great about professional wrestling, and the class he carries himself with.

He can surely…. Rest…. in…..Peace….

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Booking Strategy: Undertaker at WrestleMania XXIX

The usual rumblings of rumor are surfacing.

Is Undertaker too banged up?

Can he still go?

Will Undertaker finally hang it up?

At this point even I am not so sure.

The rap sheet of Undertaker’s major surgeries in the last five or so years is as long as Ron Jeremy’s penis War and Peace. Among them are multiple operations to his beaten down shoulders, hips, and knees. Essentially, I believe the man known as The Undertaker is held together by Bondo, wads of spit, and chewed up bubble gum. If it works for million dollar race cars, then it should for human beings too!

All joking aside, Undertaker is definitively in the twilight of his career. His work schedule is limited to all but one match a year with a random special segment here and there.

‘Taker’s rumored opponent for this year’s extravaganza is CM Punk. Punk, a record-setter in the modern era for consecutive days holding for the WWE Championship, has had his fair share of injuries recently as well. Adding to the usual wear and tear is a scope job to his left knee and the after-effects of a suplex gone wrong at a Live event.

These two have also had a somewhat sketchy past when it came to in-ring work together. Their program from 2009 produced two gimmicked PPV matches whose quality were mediocre at best. It is an example of two great workers who can’t mesh, like Mr. Perfect and Shawn Michaels from SummerSlam 1993.

With this quandary of health on the horizon, it just so happens another telegraphed angle is about to happen.

And those two angles should be mixed.

Together, it would be a first time, last time, and only time this would happen for Undertaker at WrestleMania: a tag match. A really high-profile tag encounter with some of the most colorful characters in the WWE right now.

Here is how this would all come together:

The problems with Daniel Bryan and Kane are obvious. There is a severe crack in the foundation, one that even Dr. Shelby can’t fix. Egos are coming to the surface with future ambitions of both men seemingly driving this team apart.

When the break-up begins, it will be ugly.

A triple threat tag match on RAW will have the WWE Tag Team Championships on the line. Hell No, Brodus/Tensai, and Rhodes Scholars are at the ready. After some miscommunication, Kane gets dropped by Rhodes and loses the titles for his team.

Daniel finally makes the turn and beats his now-to-be former partner into oblivion. After this savage encounter, Bryan looks down at Kane with somber remembrance. He even touts his ‘YES’ into the air, but with less enthusiasm then normal.

CM Punk lost his match to John Cena on RAW. It was a thirty minute epic that had WrestleMania-quality written all over it. Punk thought he had it in the bag with the Anaconda Vice, but Cena got to the ropes. Cena slapped his signature STF on Punk. Punk lasts a whole minute in the maneuver trying to get out, but nothing works. Punk taps and his dream of main-eventing WrestleMania goes down the tubes.

That next week, the opening promo starts with CM Punk bickering about his loss. He said Cena tapped and the ref screwed him out of his dream. Bryan contritely retorts that the ref, that exact same ref, screwed him out of his tag team championship. Both men seem to be on one ugly page.

A page that would turn to darkness.

DONG

The lights come back to Punk and Bryan meeting their new-found hells inside the ring. Undertaker chokeslams Punk while Kane gets Bryan. The two brothers point to the WrestleMania NY/NJ sign with no additional dialogue needed. This hellacious journey to ‘Mania is on its way!

Yes, Undertaker would need to make some appearances on television. Hell, some of them could even be taped. No, not Dr. Shelby sketches, but some cameos by men from the past should be there (OHHHHHHH YESSSSSSSS Paul Bearer).

Punk and Bryan run roughshod through the best of the WWE. Alberto Del Rio? No problem. Sheamus? Like a shark patrolling around an empty butthole. Ryback? Friggen’ done! Seeing as Jack Swagger was just caught for pot, perhaps he should eat ‘crippling’ finishers from both these guys.

Undertaker and Kane do their mind games. More like a who’s who of what they did in the past, both on their opponents and each other. Wax figures inside caskets work. Zeb Coulter being set on fire sure. Another great segment idea is Undertaker/Daniel Bryan face to face. Daniel Bryan says YES to winning at WrestleMania with the lights on while Undertaker barks NO with the lights going out!

Plus, CM Punk can always beat Kane one-on-one as well. Bryan can be the distraction making Kane lose, and Undertaker puts up a wall of fire as the dastardly Cult of (Multiple) Personalities go up the ramp!

So now at MetLife, how would this match occur?

For starters, Punk and Bryan come out together (to Punk’s music) while Undertaker/Kane come out separately. If snow is falling during Undertaker’s entrance, it would be amongst the strangest mood setting for a ‘Mania perhaps ever. Knowing that part of the country this time of year, it’ll either be nice and warm or cold and ‘action-packed’.

Kane starts out against Punk. The big red machine is a BOSS who flings back Punk and then Bryan with ease. It seems the two smaller technical geniuses are at a mismatch.

However there is a reason why Punk and Bryan are amongst the two of the elite in the WWE. Using frequent tags, these two deceiving grapplers beat the crap out of this giant. Whether it’s kicks, punches, rope-based attacks, or even a few submission holds, Kane is able to hold on, but just by barely. There would be teases of Kane tagging in, but only to be stopped by the last second by either Bryan or Punk.

By this point the phenom wasn’t tagged in yet, but Undertaker is nowhere near silent. Not only does he gets his cheap-shot in, but he even is able to douse himself with a bottle of water to get ready for that ‘hot tag’.

Kane later on gets to the ropes after a No Lock was unsuccessful. Daniel Bryan tries a dropkick, but fails. Kane slouches back into the corner to…tag….in….

UNDERTAKER!

The man in purple and black is going to town! Clothesline after clothesline is served with more ferocity than the last. Bryan suffers from Old School, and slips out of the ring. Undertaker follows suit as he does a modified version of Snake-Eyes: On the barricade THEN the big boot! Punk tries to surprise with a high and tight Anaconda Vice, but ‘Taker shrugs him off like a case of fleas.

‘Taker chokeslams Bryan inside of the ring, but Punk breaks it up. Punk is laughing, but walks into KANE! These two masters of their arts better start prayers because the brothers of destructions are waiting to kill them off!

Undertaker to Daniel Bryan.

Kane to CM Punk.

STEREO TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVERS!

1-2-3!

90,000 people shit their pants with the loudest post-match pyrotechnic display ever seen. Undertaker and Kane as The Brothers of Destruction are announced as the winners as no less than 345 replays are shown of the high spots. In true form, the BOD look back at the crowd, turn their backs to them, and raise their arms in the air as if they were post-mortem members of the Nation of Domination.

With WrestleMania clocking in at four hours long, this match (w/ entrances and other gimmicks) could clock easily 30-35 minutes. It gives all four men plenty of exposure while keeping a competitive battleground. In an environment where most of the men here are either badly banged up and/or getting close to retirement, this is a great opportunity to mesh styles and gain respect the good ol’ fashioned way.

Now I wouldn’t expect this to be Undertaker’s last match. If anything, I am still clamoring him to face John Cena one-on-one before he officially retires. Kane’s time maybe limited, but Punk and Bryan I believe are just now starting to hit their primes.

At the end of the day however, it accomplishments will be aplenty. It takes the primary physical toll of a regular one-on-one match off of CM Punk and Undertaker. It allows Kane and Undertaker to finally be a tag team at WrestleMania. It also allows Daniel Bryan to hook up with Undertaker at least once in his career. It also proves that big-name tag matches not only have a place on the big show card, but can also raise the legend of the card for years to come.

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