The Rock: The Epic Adventure of Dwayne Johnson

So I went to Twitter the other day and asked what I should do next for this blog.

As you can see, wwedvdnews gave me a challenge to make up content for the newest ‘Rock’ DVD coming out in February.

This sounds like a daunting task.

My response?

YOU’RE ON!

Coming out on February 21st, the newest Rock collection from WWE Home Video promises to be one for the ages. With input from the man himself, the collection apparently features promos, matches, but it’s not known at the point of writing whether a documentary is there or not.

Today, Bad Booking is about to become an armchair quarterback. Given this “dare” so to speak, I’m coming up with the content that should be on this new collaboration.

One difference noticed IMMEDIATELY is that this collection will be a 4-disc DVD/3-disc Blu-ray, like the Steve Austin one released not too long ago. Another difference is that the content, while more finite, will feature stuff never before seen on compilations (in addition to the repeat stuff).

Before starting, I will note that in a perfect world, I’d ask Vince McMahon if he’d make a charitable donation to the panda people so that nothing gets blurred/bleeped. Let’s not forget people that Rock’s prime was right smack in the ‘Attitude Era’, from 1998-2002. Although I’d get denied immediately, at least it shows initiative that I care about the content being presented without alterations.

Now then, let’s get to cracking!

Goes without saying, that DISC ONE IS A DOCUMENTARY! Shorter than Austin’s, but about as long as Bret Hart’s, which was about two hours itself.

Although I’m not exactly creative with chapter names, I can offer a preview of how this project will go.

- The first twenty or so minutes talk about Rock’s life before he got into the business himself. Unlike Steve Austin’s documentary, which glossed through his childhood/young adult year in about twenty-six seconds, Rock’s younger years are much more wrestling involved than his contemporary Rattlesnake. Starting with his grandfather ‘High Chief’ Peter Maivia, then his father Rocky Johnson, and perhaps an exploit about Freddie Blassie, little Dwayne always had wrestling in his blood. That almost took a different turn when he was on that legendary Miami Hurricanes college football team from the early 1990s.

SACKED!

- WWE, 1996. It’s the debut of one Rocky Maivia from Madison Square Garden, as he takes part in the Survivor Series. The ‘Blue Chipper’ catches on strong early, even winning the Intercontinental Championship. However, doing things the traditional ‘babyface’ way led to resentment from the crowd, and thus the newly-named ‘Rock’ made a mold of his own.

-Nation of Domination. This is where the ‘y’ from Rocky was dropped, as well as “Maivia”. Starting as in inauspicious addition, success went to the young man’s head. Becoming even stronger with another run with of the IC belt, Rock would kick out Farooq (Ron Simmons), and become ‘Ruler’. This would lead to finally showing the charisma the guy always had, and the start of the catapult to the top. The feud with D-Generation X would also be featured, as well as Rocky’s incredible run at the 1998 Royal Rumble.

-Corporate Champion. For a small little while, The Rock became a fan favorite. However, at Survivor Series 1998, the joke turned onto his opponent Mankind, when it was revealed that Vince McMahon, who had despised Rock, was working with him all along. On top of the world, Rock finally became a heel that could go toe-to-toe with the best from ‘Rattlesnake’ country.

- Royal Rumble 1999. Yep, the ‘I Quit” match alone gets a chapter. If released on Blu-ray, there should be an interactive portion that allows you to skip to the match during the chapter. Like the Jake Roberts DVD, this mentions the movie ‘Beyond the Mat’. If you remember correctly, Mankind went into the match champion after winning the belt in an emotional match on RAW.  Mick Foley would of course be the main guy interviewed besides Rock, and would pretty much tell the same story he told in his second book, “Foley is Good”. Long story short, Johnson went a little too far. If you want to know why WWE bans chair shots to the head, watch this match. Instead of a few shots, Rock gets into double-digit category, while deepening a cut that was already there on Foley’s head. The chapter would also show Foley’s wife, Collette, protecting their children Dewey and Noelle from the carnage. Although the two patched things up, Rock and Foley had heat with each other for a little bit because Rock didn’t outright apologize to Foley, kind of like Owen Hart not apologizing to Steve Austin after Summerslam 1997.

- Wrestlemania XV: Although the match itself gets a chapter, it primarily revolves around Rock explaining how going into Wrestlemania WWE Champion feels like.

-The People’s Champion: Shortly after Backlash 1999, where Rock lost his title rematch to Austin, the most electrifying man in sports entertainment finally becomes the most loved man in the company (or almost by that point). Now laying the Smackdown to his bad guy adversaries, the fans immediately rallied behind him. This would also cover The Rock and Sock Connection days, with ‘This is Your Life’ prominently featured. Oh yeah, that’s easily a special feature. All 30 some-odd minutes of it!

- McMahon-Helmsley Regime: Although The Rock and Triple H were always at odds in the WWE, their most legendary segment of their rivalry took place in 2000. The power-hungry WWE Champion versus The Great One, it was a months-long epic confrontation that produced many hours of entertaining TV (with or without EVERY member of the McMahon family). This will cover it all from about December of 1999 to about June of 2000 where the feud pretty much died off after King of the Ring. This is a chapter that in practice would come off much better in visual presentation.

-WWE Champion: After The Rock won the WWE Championship in 2000, he began a successful series of mini-feuds and title defenses that endeared him to legendary status. Sadly Chris Benoit won’t be featured, because let’s face it, he is one of those “unmentionables”. However, Summerslam 2000, Unforgiven 2000, and the highly controversial No Mercy 2000 matches are covered. Somewhat lengthy chapter, but all tied together in theory.

-The Promos: Would you like a chapter of the Rock describing his promo style? Yes? Then that’s all this is, about seven minutes of clip glory.

-Rikishi: Short chapter on the rivalry with Rock’s “cousin”. Goes all the way up to Royal Rumble 2001, with Armageddon 2000’s Hell in the Cell match mentioned too.

-Wrestlemania X-Seven: After winning the WWE Championship from Kurt Angle the month before at No Way Out, Rock and Austin face off once again in a 70K Houston Astrodome on the grandest stage of all. An untraditional face vs. face match, the two went at it for thirty minutes straight. Of course until Vince showed up, and Austin turned heel. Also covering the cage rematch the next night, this would segue into Rock’s budding movie career getting a head-start.

-Movies: This chapter mentions the PR Rock did, including outside interviews and the two ‘Mummy’ movies. Again, much better described visually than verbally, WWE would do a GREAT job getting old footage together and presenting it in a complimentary matter.

-Invasion: This describes Rocky coming back in July of 2001, to take the WWE side of the war. All the way until Survivor Series 2001. Also mentioned would be Rock hitting on Lilian Garcia, and some of the funniest put-downs imaginable. This definitely would also feature that infamous promo on Booker T.

- Wrestlemania X-8: Skimming over the next few months, and the fact Jericho would once again gloat rightfully about his accomplishment,  here the doc mentions the match that transcends time. The build-up, the atmosphere of Toronto, getting booed as a babyface, everything. Epic ten minute chapter. For WWE, they can cheat using the Hogan footage from ‘Still Rules’.

-Summerslam 2002: Rock won the Undisputed Championship at Vengeance, and his next opponent would be “The Next Big Thing”. Long island, Summerslam, Brock Lesnar. Rock notes how the crowds are smart, and they knew he was going to lose the title. Instead of pandering to the crowd, he instead electrifies them, and makes Lesnar look like a million bucks. Seeing as Lesnar may or may not retire from UFC, some new interview footage would be awesome!

- Wrestlemania XIX: Third time is the charm for Rock. Rock quips about how usually when people return they get cheered. He returns and gets booed out of the building! Again, the visuals on this would be tremendous, and that’s why WWE is the best when it comes to documentaries.

- Wrestlemania XX: Comments on his handicap match with Mick Foley versus Batista, Ric Flair, and Randy Orton as Evolution. In my mind, highly underrated match that is a fine compliment to all of their careers. Rock would make his last actual wrestling performance there for a very long time.

- Movie Career: Rock and the movies. Simple. Talks about hits like ‘Fast and Furious’, while trashes bombs like ‘Doom’. The Wrestlemania 24 Hall of Fame is also mentioned, with new stories surely to be unearthed.

-The return/Survivor Series: For the first time in a long time, The Rock returns to WWE television. Cutting a promo on the company as a whole, but in particular the PG rules and John Cena, Rock’s personality wins over a new generation of fans. After screwing Cena (arguably) out of the WWE Championship at Wrestlemania 27, the two agree on a match to headline Wrestlemania 28. In the meantime, they tag up in MSG, 15 years nearly to the day Rock debuted, at Survivor Series. Add in Miz and R-Truth to the interview footage, and we got ourselves quite the little number going on.

-Legacy: Adding in comments from other superstars while contributing a music video, it’s that denouement chapter that summarizes everyone into one little beautiful visual package of pomp and pageantry. This is the point where people realize their money was not spent in vain, and that this was FINALLY the release they waited for.

So you want matches and promos? Since disc one on the DVD will be the documentary plus some other side stories, here is the content listing from disc two to disc four, with the Blu-ray exclusives!

Disc Two:

Intercontinental Championship, vs. Triple H, THURSDAY RAW THURSDAY, 2/14/97 (Alternate commentary with The Rock & Triple H.)

IC Championship, vs. Ken Shamrock, Royal Rumble 1998

2 out of 3 Falls, IC Championship, vs. Triple H, Fully Loaded 1998

Triple Threat Steel Cage, vs. Mankind vs. Ken Shamrock, Breakdown 1998

WWE Championship, vs. Mankind, Survivor Series 1998

“I Quit”, WWE Championship, vs. Mankind, Royal Rumble 1999

• Nation of Domination (8/18/97)

• No Way Out of Texas 1998 (2/15/98)

• Wrestlemania XIV (3/29/98)

• NOD vs. Chyna (8/24/98)

• Corporate Champion (11/16/98)

Disc 3:

w/ Steve Austin & Vince McMahon vs. Shane McMahon, Triple H, & The Undertaker, RAW (5/10/99)

WWE Championship, vs. Triple H, Backlash 2000 (Alternate commentary by Triple H, The Rock, and a unnamed special guest).

WWE Championship, vs. Kurt Angle, No Way Out 2001

No Disqualification, WWE Championship, vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin, Wrestlemania X-Seven (Alternate commentary by Steve Austin & The Rock.)

• Rock ditches The Corporation (4/26/99)

• “This Is Your Life” (9/27/99)

• Rock/Jericho promo on Booker T/Rhyno/Stephanie (8/13/2001)

• Angle. Rock. Pie (9/27/2001)

• Rock runs down his opponents for Armageddon (12/4/2000)

• Margaritaville (11/12/2001)

Disc 4:

Triple Threat, WWE Championship, vs. Kurt Angle vs. Undertaker, Vengeance 2002

vs. Steve Austin, Wrestlemania XIX (Alternate commentary by The Rock & Steve Austin)

with John Cena vs. Awesome Truth (The Miz & R-Truth), Survivor Series 2011

• “Anyone can be in the Royal Rumble!” (1/17/02)

• Rock challenges Hogan (2/18/2002)

• Summerslam 2002 training vignettes

• Rock Concert from Sacramento (3/24/03)

• Promo before Wrestlemania XX match

• Return promo from 2011 (2/14/11)

Blu-ray Exclusives

Royal Rumble Match, Royal Rumble 1998

with Mankind & Ken Shamrock vs. Undertaker & Kane, RAW (9/28/98)

vs. Hulk Hogan, Wrestlemania X-8 (new film edit, with different camera angles on top of the original commentary)

• Rock Concert from Toronto (2/24/03)

• Viva La Eddie (7/22/02)

• Making Wrestlemania 28 with John Cena (4/6/11)

• Why he's teaming with John Cena (10/31/11)

I know a lot of you are looking at the match/promo list and going, “WAH, THIS IS A GOOD AMOUNT OF REPEATS!”

Well shut your mouth and know your role and read the blogger spiel!

When it comes to some of the matches, lets face it: they are meant to encompass the career of The Rock, and not his opponents.

For example, the first Triple H/Rock match is to show how far they’ve come. The addition of commentary only adds to this point.

As for the Blu-ray, it contains both of Rock’s 1998 Royal Rumble matches. Both of these made the stock in Maivia rise that night. The IC match was not only good, but had one of the best reversals of fortune EVER, and if anyone doubts early heel Rock, then watch the end to this. 55 minutes in a Rumble directly afterwards is no slouch either, yet Rock pulls it off big time! Not to mention a foreshadowing brawl with Austin!

Summer of 1998 had two choices, whether it’d be Summerslam or Fully Loaded. I personally chose the FL match because while both have been on DVD before, I thought this match also showed why heel Rock was awesome, barely escaping with the title.

The Breakdown match is a truly underrated classic that quite frankly can be repeated and no one will mind. A match with three men inside a cage doesn’t seem all that intriguing until you have a hardcore bastard in Foley, the world’s most dangerous Shamrock, and then a electrifier in Rock. Three combustible men= A TON OF FUN!

There’s a rare match on BD I chose to include with the handicap war from RAW. This is on the out-of-print Best of RAW V1 & 2 set from 2001, and let me tell you, this is a TREAT! One of the only times ever where Undertaker is pinned clean as a sheet in the center of that ring.

Both Foley matches, Survivor Series 98 and Rumble 99, need no explanation. They are the second genesis of heel Rock, and better yet, make Rock look absolutely horrifically evil. Those chair shots at the Rumble, although it was an accident, made Rock a monster no one ever saw before.

That six-man tag from RAW in 1999 is the #1 all-time rated ANYTHING in the history of RAW. Sure it doesn’t match ratings done by a Saturday Night’s Main Event from the 1980’s, but let’s not fool ourselves. At the PEAK of the Monday Night War, a 9.3 rating is nothing to slouch at. I put it on here because it proves that Rock=ratings.

Backlash 2000 needs no introduction. This should have happened at Wrestlemania the month before, from the stips all the way to Austin making his presence felt. Perhaps one of the absolute best matches in Rock’s career, it had a hot crowd, and a hotter finish. I wish there was room to put Judgment Day 2000 on here as well, but three matches against “The Game” is certainly enough for anyone. On commentary yet again, the two explain how it was like to perform like they did in front of electric crowds every night. Plus a certain bald-headed man makes a cameo near the end!

Another solid unspoken for contest is No Way Out 2001 against Kurt Angle. Sure it may seem a little strange, but it was a straight-up no-stip match with a couple of surprises. One was Big Show destroying EVERYONE mid-match, and the other was Earl Hebner legitimately screwing up the finish. I love little flaws like that, even if it wasn’t caught on immediately (I only noticed about a year ago myself).

For the bajillionth time, we have Austin/Rock II from Wrestlemania X-Seven! YAY! OPEN UP THE CANS OF STEVEWEISERS! First time ever, Rock and Austin both get to finally settle down and talk about this match on the commentary track. Performing in the Astrodome, nearly seventy thousand fans, and everyone reacting to everything, Austin and Rock fondly look back at this, their best match together, knowing full well they got the absolute best out of one another. On the DVD, highlight this chapter, press left two times, and there’s an easter egg of Jim Ross sitting down with Rock and Austin just days before X-Seven! And you thought I couldn’t make old dogs learn new tricks!

Next up is probably the second-best Triple Threat match in WWE history, as Angle and Rock take on Bad Ass Undertaker for the Undisputed Championship at Vengeance 2002. Bad ass is right, as the only time this match was available on DVD was the special two-disc version of “JUST BRING IT”.

One more time, Austin and Rock sit down for Wrestlemania. This time its for XIX, famous for being the one Rock finally won while being Austin’s last competitive match. Austin tells Rock stories, like the near-heart attack, that make Rock completely dumbfounded on how well this match came out. Both point out JR did a great job on commentary post-match covering up the fact it was a mini-love fest, while verbally JR saying it was smack talk.

Hey, want to work the audience? Then what about this! “Schedule” Rock and Cena to do a recording of a commentary for their MSG match, but only Cena shows up, and Rock doesn’t! While the commentary sadly won’t be recorded, it’d be an easy way to grow anticipation of the release!

The promos really need little to no explanation. Literary thesis wasn’t a strong point of mine, and while there’s nothing hidden (besides Rock wanting to be pleasured by Gennifer Flowers), the promos are a huge part of what makes The Rock The Rock. No one else talks like him, exaggerates like him, but better yet, no one can do a great setup/pull-off like him. Even on RAW in 2011 he still “had it”. Hell, Rock can definitely be amongst the top five, maybe even top two, promo men in the history of the WWE.

IN CONCLUSION: Consider the dare done. I made a Rock set, WITH FOUR DVDS, and with some of the best promos to boot. The only hard part of it wasn’t the actual content, but what dates did the promos occur on. Time constraints suck too, but that’s half the fun! I hope you all have fun reading this, and hope when the actual content list from WWE gets released, you’re not all disappointed anticipating my version.

Of course follow me on Facebook & Twitter, and the tags on the bottom will reflect Twitter handles.

Twitter Tags: WWEDVDNews, TheRock, Marks4life, WWE, WWEUniverseFans, steveaustinBSR, JRsBBQ, WWEUniverse, WWEShop, HulkHogan, BlurayUnleashed, mashable, LilianGarcia

 

 

 

 

BBB Reviews: Poodle Hat

Just like how Weird Al waits for the “next big thing”, it took me quite a while to get to this review right off of “Running with Scissors”.

As we left you, Al went to Albuquerque to have a strange adventure full of inadequacies and pathos. 11+ minutes and without the full lyrics in the CD liner, ‘Albuquerque’ was a sweepingly epic track to conclude what was a sweepingly epic album.

That was 1999.

Now we come to 2003 and Poodle Hat, an album which knows full well it has something to live up to.

Originally, I felt really mixed about the album. While I thought it started out strong, some of the songs in the middle were songs I didn’t particularly enjoy, like ‘Wanna B Ur Lovr” and “Ode to a Superhero”.

However, there’s a reason why I do these reviews subjectively. With a lot of these albums, it’s like I’m viewing them for the first time with what they were “supposed to be”, as in I finally researched what was their influence.

Speaking of influence, Al’s record over the last decade and a half of making albums has been based off of the “next big thing” as noted to earlier. For ‘Scissors’ it was parodying the first prequel Star Wars flick. As for the ‘Poodle’, it was a red-hot Eminem.

Without further ado, let’s jump into it. By the way, that was Al’s legitimate poodle on his head!

1. Couch Potato: Imagine instead of basing a plot of a movie, base the plot off your tube with the extreme amount of programming available.

“Lose Yourself”, the original by Eminem, was literally a plot interpretation of the hit movie “8 Mile”, which Marshall Mathers stars as pretty much himself.

“Couch Potato” is, at least in my translation, what if Alex from ‘A Clockwork Orange’ was forced to watch TV all day in substitution of trying to cure his violent tendencies.

Basic plot of the song is simple. “Look, if you had, one shot, to sit on your lazy butt, and watch all the TV you ever wanted. ‘Til your brain turned to mush. Would you go for it, or just let it slip?”

Right off the bat it’s a great parody because that first part immediately goes for the subject matter, as for the next four minutes, Al batters that first verse in. Until I did some research, I literally never thought of it that way before! That’s what the ‘Slim Shady’ did in the original as well!

No popular shows/channels of the time are spared of ridicule. Ranging from ‘Sopranos’ to ‘NASCAR’ to even ‘Will & Grace’, Al’s character sits in that chair and watches that stuff like a whore on the street corner. “Network execs with naked ambitions, next week on FOX watch ‘Lions Eat Christians’!” I’m surprised that show hasn’t been made yet. Or isn’t that Spartacus?

I’m also almost convinced that the last line uttered in the song, “...you can watch anything you want to man,” was originally going to be an end piece for the music video.

Which was sadly denied by Eminem himself.

With that action, “Poodle Hat” became the first and only Yankovic album to not have a music video promote it. Even with this devastating blow, Al has no ill will towards the man. It should also be noted that while the video was not given a go, using “Slim Shady” on the later polka track was. I guess sometimes things work out.

Of all the Al opening tracks, this one may very well be the most underrated one. That’s saying something, considering there have been some STRONG start-off tracks in the past. It’s a parody that aims for not only the subject material at hand, but also the parodies the structure of the original right down to the core. This author doesn’t know if that was the intention, but that’s just scribing. Two thumbs up here!

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Couch Potato lyrics

2. Hardware Store: To follow a successful romp of a parody, time to make a ruckus original!

Al’s character, quite simply, is in absolute adoration of a hardware store opening up close to home. Perhaps it could be a sign of Billy Joel’s “No Man Land” coming into fruition?

In any event, Al is a hobo of unshaven dirty mess. He’s been waiting since last June (the album was released in May 2003) to wait on line so he can be that “every 27th customer can get a ball peen hammer free!”

Stepping in the store, he finds people with name badges, stuff, and well, more stuff!

As you’ll see in the lyrics widget, there is a very impressive sequence where Al rattles off a rapid-fire list of items found in said store. It sounds like it has a relation to George Carlin’s later “Technology Man” sketch from “Life is Worth Losing”.

Since I listened to this album originally back in my old hometown, I related to this song a lot on the basis of a crop of new stores opening. Expansion if you will. That’s how the Billy Joel reference fits, because of “modernization”.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Hardware Store lyrics

3. Trash Day: The song who gave it’s life to this parody is “Hot in Herre” by Nelly.

And the two songs, unlike the lead-off, could not be any different.

While the original deals with how to be a “gangsta” so to speak, this parody deals with a person who should be on an episode of “Hoarders”.

To term it lightly, the house is a mess just short of condemning. Imagery like rotten food, rats running amok, and obnoxious odors permeate the lyrics.

That’s about it truly. All set to a hip hop theme that’s as clean as the song is dirty.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Trash Day lyrics

4. Party at the Leper Colony: While the lyrics are original, the styles are completely “tribute”.

For one, there’s a major dash of Bo Diddley in the equation. If you don’t know who he is, here’s a Wikipedia link (with sources at the bottom).

In addition, Bruce Springsteen rhythms are spoken of too. Most notably, there’s a hint of “She’s the One” from Born to Run as instrumentals in the opening.

Let’s add a third unspoken layer, shall we? “Magic Bus” from The Who feels like inspiration too, as I can recognize that sequence anywhere.

To the song, and wow is it awfully punny.

When you see the word ‘Leper’ in the song title, there will be automatic reference to limb losing. That is in here in spades. “Let’s give ‘em a hand...”. ARGH!

The main plot is around people “giving” their limbs at a party. No more, no less.

Not the best song, but one for a cruel laugh or two.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Party At The Leper Colony lyrics

5. Angry White Boy Polka: What is a “Weird Al” album without the traditional polka spiel? With that in mind, here’s the mug shot of the songs used:

• "Last Resort" by Papa Roach
• "Chop Suey!" by System of a Down
• "Get Free" by The Vines
• "Hate to Say I Told You So" by The Hives
• "Fell in Love with a Girl" by The White Stripes
• "Last Nite" by The Strokes
• "Down with the Sickness" by Disturbed
• "Renegades of Funk" by Rage Against the Machine, originally by Afrika Bambaataa
• "My Way" by Limp Bizkit
• "Outside" by Staind
• "Bawitdaba" by Kid Rock
• "Youth of the Nation" by P.O.D.
• "The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem
• "Poodle Hat Polka" by "Weird Al" Yankovic

This one stands near the top of all polkas ever done. Not only does it follow a theme of angry white boys down to a ‘T’, but someone made a flash video years ago that gave this song a fresh breath of air.

As a whole, a highly recommended polka. Sounds dark and grungy in some places, but it reflects the source material accurately.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Angry White Boy Polka lyrics

6. Wanna B Ur Lovr: I remember not liking this song much on my first listen-through, and I realize why.

This song just DRAGS!

At a six minutes and fifteen seconds (6:15), this is the second longest track on the album. A track that could have conveyed its message in about 60% of the time.

A style parody of Beck, the song is mostly about a geek who tries to pick up women with some of the worst pick-up lines imaginable.

While I don’t mind “cringe-worthy” lyrics, I do mind if they’re just stretching out time for the sake of it. “I’m a Groovy Guy” from the first album is a better execution on the same basic principle. If anything, I was happy this song ended and even happier when the next one started.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Wanna B Ur Lovr lyrics

7. A Complicated Song: Ahh, this is more like it!

A parody of Avril Lavigne’s “Complicated”, this is the traditional torture song that appears on every Al album!

Avril’s song had a very much centered narrative for her piece, while Al’s has seven variations of the same thing. Every one of them, torture to experience, and torture to describe.

Firstly, we got a delicious problem. The host of the party Al goes to orders NINETEEN extra-large pizzas. No one shows up, so Al swallows his pride and takes all of them home to eat. Here, Al is ‘constipated’ and needs his bowels ‘evacuated’. That’s gross.

Next up is a problem inadvertently incestuous. Al dates a girl and they fall madly in love. Nothing appears to be wrong until Al finds a tattoo on her thigh that is suspiciously like his. Turns out both are cousins, and thus they are ‘related’. He thinks they should go to Alabama where this sort of thing is ‘tolerated’. 

Concluding our problems is a gory one. Al tries out a roller coaster, and well, he doesn’t read the instructions. STANDING UP ON THE RIDE, he gets “decapitated”. It’s such a drag, because he can’t yodel or read “Sports Illustrated”. In extension, he wonders why did he get all “mutilated”. While his neck is in joy in a pleasant breeze, he hasn’t been the same since he was “separated” from his head.

I love this track primarily because it’s Al doing one of the things he does best: disgusting torture songs, but this one had a “-ed” theme.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - A Complicated Song lyrics

8. Why Does This Always Happen to Me?: Ben ‘folds’ into the style parody of his work by contributing piano! With some of the stuff I’m about to describe, I’d imagine there were TONS of takes being done!

As mentioned, it’s a original in lyrics, but a style parody in heart. The main narrative of the track is about a guy whose life is “disturbed” by “minor inconveniences”.

Firstly, there’s an earthquake in Peru. Devastating at an 8.2, some thirty thousand people were crushed to death while more were buried alive. So what was the problem? Apparently ‘The Simpsons’ was being recorded, and the station cut in for coverage. That’ll piss people off!

Next up is a major wreck on a highway. 12 cars involved, and everyone in the automobiles were killed. Blood, gore, guts, et al. So what pisses Al off? Two things. First, one of his co-workers owes his five bucks, and because he died in the wreck, he’ll never get it back. Secondly, Al will be late to work. Oh well, better call the boss! Hey, this blogger had to do that two months ago post-Irene!

Last up is a horrible boss. Al’s at work, and apparently, the printer has run out of toner. Time to get a new case, but Al’s got work to do! The boss keeps egging him on about it, so Al decides to stab the guy. Big problem here? It’s not that we was goaded into doing a store run, but that the knife is ruined! Never be as sharp as it was, or as cut-worthy. Poor Al, can’t catch a break, can he?

I forgot how funny this track was. While not the out-right torture track because most of the events happen out of the character’s perspective, it is still unpleasant and disturbing to listen to. That’s just fine with me!

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Why Does This Always Happen To Me lyrics

9. Ode to a Superhero: The original song that provided the parody is a timeless classic. “Piano Man” by Billy Joel (the album now re-released in a new ‘Legacy Edition’), is about good ol’ William’s life experiences before in the grungy and seedy bars he frequents in performance.

This parody is to Piano Man what American Pie was to Star Wars: a summary of the plot in song form.

What made this one feel so bland however?

To me, I thought the “sling us a web, you’re the Spiderman” bit was clever, but very little else. Maybe it’s just me and I hold the original to very high esteem, but this just didn’t fit. Maybe the lack of a music video hurt it, as the Star Wars parody was helped tremendously by one. As both a Weird Al and Billy Joel fan, this one just didn’t work out right, and for one of Joel’s signature songs, it’s a shame.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Ode To A Superhero lyrics

10. Bob: An original song, but the style is prevalent from the very first second.

A disguised tribute to Bob Dylan and his song-writing abilities, the whole track is done in palindromes. There’s no real narrative to speak of, but the track is humorous in its sound and lyrics, so that’s always a plus.

While the album had no music video to promote with, there was a music video from this song made for the AL-TV special and later the music video DVD. This marks the only music video made for the album, and the only album to have one video at all.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Bob lyrics

11. eBay: A parody of Backstreet Boys’ “I Want it That Way”, the song revolves around Al buying a whole bunch of obscure stuff on the famous seller-driven site.

Outside of “It’s All About the Pentiums”, there hasn’t been a lot of Al’s repertoire covered in technology. Especially one where HTTP is involved.

It’s a treat listening to this, because as much as I was annoyed by the original, this one mocked it and more. Some of the items are dreamy (snow-globe, Dukes of Hazzard ash tray), while a Beanie Baby from Norway seems a little weird.

For a penultimate track, good work by Al.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Ebay lyrics

12. Genius in France: Before typing those words, I took a big breath.

I have REALLY mixed feelings about this song.

One day I’ll love it and the other I’ll loathe it like the bottom of the barrel.

It’s a Frank Zappa cover with Frank’s son Dweezil playing that opening guitar solo that should have been a separate track.

Because this album was released in 2003, I think this song may have been done in political protest. If you may recall from this period, France decided to pull out of Iraq claiming it didn’t support the war on terror... when originally the country said they’d be large and In charge.

So Al in the meantime, pretty much mocks the French for about nine minutes.

The main narrative feels simple: Al, as dumb as a bag of rocks (and all comparatives of the saying), travels to France, and pretty much dominates the country.

Like ‘Lovr’, this song wouldn’t be so opinion-invoking if it was like half the length.

Most of the song dragged worse than a WWE match with two men weighing 500 pounds apiece!

I’m not kidding, there’s a whole minute where nothing but sound effects and non-sensical blabber take over. I wish I was making this up! The next album “Straight Outta Lynwood” successfully mocks a country (Canada), but embraces the culture too.

I’m wrapping this one up quick: Either you’ll love it or hate it, but whatever the opinion is, it’ll probably decide your love of the overall album.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Genius In France lyrics

 

IN CONCLUSION:  This album is sadly still amongst the bottom of the Al album talent pool, but even then, it’s still better than most artists’ best work.

It seems like 3/4 of the album is classic Al, but that rotten 1/4 is unique enough to drag it to hell. I can’t remember a song as offensive as ‘Genius’, as annoying as ‘Lovr’, and as dragging as both of them! ‘Leper’ wasn’t great shakes either.

The other songs though are at least good to excellent. As an album though, its inconsistent, and the good songs aren’t collectively strong enough to bring this album out of the gutter. Indeed, a few sour apples spoil the bunch.

del.icio.us Tags: weird al yankovic,2003,poodle hat,eminem,nelly,bo diddley,bruce springsteen,billy joel,avril lavigne,bbb,blog,bad booking. france,ebay,running with scissors,straight outta lynood,leper,polka,album

 

 

BBB’s WWE Column #4, Part One

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Top Ten (or so) Best WWE PPV Matches of the 2000’s

The last list I did was as Undertaker would say, “famous.” It broke records big-time (salute to Peter Gabriel), and sparked a lot of debate about what was “right” and what was “wrong”. No matter the perceived result, I thought it was a helluva lot of fun.

So my feet’s in the acid again!

This time I skewing through the last decade, looking for the best of the best. Like the last countdown, it will be one match (or so if there is a common thread) per one year.

2000-2004 will be covered in part one, then 2005-2009 will be covered in part two!

Another thing to notice is that the matches featured here have been released on DVD one way or another, so all releases are listed after their write-ups.

With that in mind, let’s waste no time in counting down the great bouts of the new millennium!

2000: Cactus Jack vs. Triple H, Street Fight, WWE Championship, Royal Rumble

Kind of like the Shawn Michaels and Undertaker Hell in the Cell, and the Submission match from Wrestlemania 13, this match helped me get my start into the crazy/wacky world of the WWE.

The last match of the first edition of Mick Foley's Greatest Hits & Misses, I was not aware at the time how brutal this match was going to be. Keep in mind I was 14 at the time, and this DVD was the very first one I ever pre-ordered for myself.

Enough about personal backstory, to the match we go!

This match was set-up after Triple H beat the living shit out of Mankind on RAW. During the beat-down however, something “weird” transformed. Bloody and mangled, Mankind fought back against “The Game”, doing the signature pistol right-hands and the knee against the ropes.

On the preceding Smackdown, Mankind came out and said that Mankind wasn’t in good shape to compete at the Rumble in the a Street Fight, but he named a substitute. The long-sleeves and tie were taken off to reveal a figure as ironic as Clark Kent revealing Superman: CACTUS JACK!

Triple H acted as if he saw a ghost, and the war was only just beginning.

After weeks of jaw-jacking and long-winded promos from both men, they were ready to settle the score. Held at Madison Square Garden, it was all too iconic a place for this brawl. Foley, as a younger man, hitchhiked his way to the Garden to see Jimmy Snuka fly off the steel cage onto Don Muraco.

Not a bad way to introduce yourself to MSG action!

At the beginning of the match, it appeared as if Stephanie McMahon was going to accompany her “husband” (they weren’t legit married until 2003), but instead gave him a kiss and went away. That should let you know this wouldn’t be for the weak of heart.

That it would not be.

After a wild and wholly start, the match really started to pick up after Cactus brought a barbed-wire block of wood into the ring! Although it’s been seen on WWE TV before, it never had the significance like it did right then and there. The expression on Jack’s eyes tell the story.

Jack attempted a swing, but struck out with a low-blow by Triple H. Trips had a couple of good shots with the bat before Cactus did the double-armed DDT. During the sequence, Earl Hebner was able to procure the bat next to Hugo Savinovich. To a chorus of boos, Cactus wonders where the bat went. He goes over to Hugo, knocks him the hell out, and retrieves the bat.

Earl is trying to hold Cactus back, but instead gets himself in harm’s way. As Triple H clotheslines the ref in the corner, he rebounds into a shot from Cactus with the damn barbed wire wood! Jim Ross is in absolute rage on commentary, and Triple H’s face is what Gordon Solie would say, “the proverbial crimson mask.” In addition to the suplex on the wood pallets earlier in the contest, H’s blood loss is at a premium now. A gash in both the calf and forehead!

It seemed as if Triple H was able to stop the rush of Cactus as he reversed a piledriver on the announce table. Back in the ring, Trips tried a Pedigree, but got catapulted into the ring post, then bulldogged into the barbed wire wood!

Certainly out, but not down for long, Triple H would use the bat again, but this time on the leg of Cactus! In a homage to the year before, Trips puts Cactus in handcuffs! After some stiff shots and a toe-hold on steel steps, Cactus leads Triple H up the graffiti-decorated aisle way. Who’s waiting for “The Game”?

THE ROCK! Rock got a sweet chairshot in on H, and that allows the NYPD representative to free Cactus from the cuffs.

Cactus punches Triple H back to the Spanish announcer table. Unlike the prior time on the WWE table, Cactus successfully executes the piledriver! Unlike the prior time as the table gave under the reversal, the desk DIDN’T GIVE! And you guys think that table no-sold for RKO’s!

Back in and out of the ring, Cactus gets a bag. A bag full of tricks! Spiny, pointy, and shiny ones. THUMBTACKS! The crowd pops once again, and Jim Ross does his neckfattingly best to cover the magnitude of this action. After a distraction from newly-arrived Stephers, Triple H comes to and nails a Pedigree. This only gets a 1-2, and the shockwave of disbelief ebbs through the arena. A second Pedigree, this time on THUMBTACKS, gets the full 1-2-3 as Triple H retains the title.

This is HORRIFIC to watch. Unlike most bumps, viewer discretion is certainly advised.

That was freaking brutal to watch, and to think, Cactus isn’t done yet. After Triple H is put on a stretcher, Cactus yanks it right back to crash it into the ring apron. After ANOTHER shot with the barbed wire wood, Cactus holds his head up high, winning a battle but losing the war.

There would be an epic rematch the month later at No Way Out, this time inside Hell in the Cell. After going through the top of the HIAC like a champ, Cactus is retired with another Pedigree. Or so we think...

Just to clear up anything about 2004, the match with Randy Orton WILL NOT make this list. The outlines are similar, but 2004 has some stiff competition that in my mind 2000 does not.

DVD’s: Mick Foley's Greatest Hits & Misses, Triple H - The Game, Triple H - That Damn Good, Royal Rumble 2000, Royal Rumble, The Complete Anthology

2001: Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Triple H, Three Stages of Hell, No Way Out

The backstory of the match is simple: these two men HATE each other.

It’s not “passionate dislike” or “mutually strong disagreement”.

It’s fricken HATE.

It all started at Survivor Series 1999. Triple H paid off Rikishi to run over the Texas Rattlesnake. In storyline, it took Austin out of the WWE Championship match. In real life, it took Austin of the WWE for a while as he would take time off for some much-needed spinal fusion, a direct result of damage sustained in a botched piledriver from Summerslam 1997.

Fast forward to 2000 at THAT Survivor Series. Austin and Triple H had a match go to a no contest after Austin, driving a forklift, hoisted “The Game” (in an automobile) high up in the air and crashed him back down.

Fast forward once again to after Armageddon and that Hell in the Cell match. Austin took on Kurt Angle for the WWE Championship. Austin had the match in hand, until Triple H yanked the referee out and caused the DQ. A bloody beatdown of Austin ensued.

At the Royal Rumble, Triple H pursued Angle for the same piece of real estate. It seemed as if Triple H had the match taken care of, until Austin came in and gave Helmsley a good ol’ belt whackin’ upside the head. Stunned from the loss, Helmsley would later take his rage out on the Rattlesnake some more as Austin entered the Rumble. Bloody, beaten, shaken, and stirred, Austin came back into the Rumble to win it, therefore earning the Wrestlemania title shot.

This left Hunter in a lurch for ‘Mania, but no big deal. No Way Out was around the corner, and the two signed for a match. The big stipulation in the contract leading up was that if Austin touched Triple H, Austin was out of a title shot. If Triple H touched Austin, Hunter would be out for six months. In one of the more cunning displays of treachery, Hunter faked the signing and attacked Austin after the contract was declared “official”. No retaliation for you Mr. Austin!

So after Helmsley Pedigree’d Jim Ross and Austin Stunner’d Stephanie, it’s all purgatory from here. THREE STAGES OF HELL for two men needing one goal: to be the better man.

Triple H is Motorhead and Austin was definitely Disturbed as both men didn’t waste time with those right hands. The first fall, a wrestling match, felt more of a regulated street fight. After some seventeen-odd minutes, Austin got the Stunner and the pinfall as now the Bionic Redneck (hated that name but it fits in this time era) has that fall advantage.

Starting the second fall, which is indeed a “REAL” street fight, the two brawled onto the floor. After intercepting Helmsley on the stairway, Austin gave Triple H some chair tattoos all over the body.

After some more brawling, a barbed wire bat makes its way into the fray. As Foghorn Leghorn would never say, “Let’s bury the hatchet boy, right in your head!” Austin is (Jack Tunney spirit) THEREFORE busted open by the wood. For the first time all match, Triple H is single-handedly in control.

That is, until he tries a Pedigree and Austin back bodydrops him through El Amigo table. Some pretty elevation there for ze Game! Austin struggles for balance, but when he does, he bashes Dos Eqis over Helmsley’s head. Stay thirsty my friends!

Back in the ring, Austin walks right into a bell shot from The Game! Swinging neckbreaker on the chair follows for a few faux falls. Austin attempted a Million Dollar Dream, but Hunter got a suplex reversal, and that landed on the chair! Hunter fails at the Pedigree again and for the second time goes flying over the top! For his troubles, Hunter gets a chair shot right between the eyes for the renewal of a red badge of courage! To drive it home more, Trips gets the RING STEPS to the face!

Both men trade some bitch shots before Trips unleashes SLEDGIE! With some trouble, Trips gets that shot in before the Pedigree and the fall is DONE! Tied up 1-1 all, CAGE TIME! The music for the cage is freaking awesome, and I mark out every time I hear it!

Now unlike the last fall where a lot of stuff happens, the third fall was more of “survival”. For example, Austin punches back from trouble to start it off. Most of it is just slow moving punches, cage throws, and weapon shots. The final bump saw Triple H and Austin, with sledgie and 2x4 respectively, hit each other simultaneously. Both men get KTFO, but Triple H landed on top of Austin for the 1-2-3 for the end! It was 40 FREAKING MINUTES, and enjoyable for all of them! Austin left Triple H with a parting gift, a black-hearted Stunner!

It all must come to an end...sometime...

Two quick notes about the match. First, Austin was cussin’ up a storm against EVERYONE he saw. And second, if you’re able to see it, Triple H blades himself...AFTER THE BELL! That’s one for Botchamania!

After Wrestlemania and Austin’s heel turn, these two would form the Two Man Power Trip. At one point, the two men had almost every belt the company had at the time. It abruptly ended when Triple H went down with a torn quad during a tag team title match, and thus Austin was left to do his own dirty laundry for the next while. Although Triple H would return as a face in early 2002, it wouldn’t be long before he was a heel again, and a great match would soon follow.

DVDs: Stone Cold Steve Austin - What?, The Legacy of Stone Cold Steve Austin, Triple H - That Damn Good (The original pay per view sadly is only available on VHS in the United States. Europeans are lucky enough to have it in their Tagged Classics series.)

2002: Shawn Michaels vs. Triple H, Unsanctioned, Summerslam

As alluded to in the prior year, Triple H went down with a quad injury that led to a tear-jerking return at MSG in January of 2002.

LOOK AT THAT POP!

For the next six months, Triple H would take on the world as a all-encompassing good guy. He even won the Undisputed WWE Championship from Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania X-8 in Toronto.

In late July however, the mood on The Game soured. His dear friend Shawn Michaels returned from four years of being away. Although on the surface he looked elated, inside Helmsley was steaming.

With the Pedigree heard around the world, a heel turn was in order. It also took Michaels getting his head mashed into a car window to solidify it. After a classic “Whodunnit”, Triple H admitted he did the deed, and Michaels proclaimed to be back in time for Summerslam.

After some harsh words and exchanges, the fight of unknowns was about to begin in Long Island.

Shawn had a pyro-filled entrance while Triple H just looked that damn despicable. Or at least that’s what Daffy Duck would say about the man.

In any respect, the first few minutes felt like a greatest hits package of HBK. A few punches, skinned the cat, and even rolled on outside to surprise his “buddy” with a clothesline. The gander seemed good for the goose eh?

Not until Triple H had the pendulum swing big time with a vicious backbreaker. Shawn had a metal plate down there with a surgery from 1999. That would be H’s modus operandi for the next couple of sequences as chair shots and abdominal stretches would be a call card. To add insult to injury, HBK was busted open with a DDT on the chair!

Slowly but surely, it seemed as if the bigger, stronger, and more “in shape” Game was able to be the victor. That was until Shawn was able to superkick a steel chair right into Triple H’s face! Immediately, Hunter bleeds like a hog while Shawn’s cut looks to be completely gone!

Now the ball is completely in Michaels’ court.

While giving Hunter a heel for a heel (aka Hugo’s boot, the same one Hunter used on Shawn previously), Shawn gave Hunter some worldly experiences of steel step eating and ladder abuse! All this while Triple H looks like he should have been a stunt double in “Carrie”! While Triple H would get momentary momentum surges, they’d always be “showstopped”.

After an outrageous splash through the table bump, Shawn goes to the top of the previously used ladder to give Hunter his patented elbow. Lawler is amazed when HBK gets up! Michaels goes to the corner with a toothy grit on his face, and tunes up the band! Triple H gets up, reverses the kick into a Pedigree attempt, but gets rolled up for a 1-2-3! HOLY SHIT! The crowd goes banana (channeling Pat Patterson from the first Mick Foley book), and Lawler’s like the little girl he assumedly touched.

For Michaels however, his celebration is short-lived as Hunter gets the sledgie, and whacks his former buddy twice in the damn spine. HBK does the stretcher job, while Hunter laughs his bloody face off up the ramp to a chorus of boos. Fantastic stuff.

Here’s what your best friend has for you. BANG!

DVDs: SummerSlam 2002, From the Vault - Shawn Michaels, Summerslam: The Complete Anthology

2003: Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho, Wrestlemania XIX

For the first time since 1996 on the last list, this upcoming match is not a bloodbath. As a matter of fact, the only blood in this match is a little crimson from the upper lip of Shawn near the end.

As a little side-note, Wrestlemania XIX was the first PPV event I saw as it happened. This match in particular was quite memorable, and watching it again after several years, holds up like a charm!

As we all know, Shawn Michaels is indeed “Mr. Wrestlemania”. Although he doesn’t have a win/loss record like Hulk Hogan or John Cena (it’s in reality closer to Tito Santana, his opponent from VIII), it always seems that the guy from San Antonio always steps up to the plate when the stage is set and the lights are on BRIGHT.

At Safeco Field in Seattle on this March night, at least the fans had one thing to cheer about rather than a sucky baseball team.

In the build-up, one thing was more pronounced more than anything else: respect. Respect that Chris Jericho had/lost for Shawn. They had a few run-ins, so the two men (notably Jericho) talked to Shawn face-to-face. It seems that in summary, Chris didn’t want to be the next Heartbreak Kid, but he wanted to be the first Chris Jericho. Round it out with a bloody beatdown and a sweet superkick on the ramp, both men look even heading into the dance.

The one thing IMMEDIATELY clear about Shawn coming to the ring his usual spectacular entrance is that HBK looks so joyous to be there. While I’m not the greatest at reading eyes, it is so wonderful to see a man beat his demons and come back with a gleaming glow of light. It complimented the scowl on Jericho’s face, who looked like he was going to HURL.

After that, the match begins. A collar-and-elbow tie-up followed by several holds/counter-holds are the name of the game. Jerry Lawler on commentary notes this is refreshing to watch actual wrestling.

It seemed as if it was anyone’s ball game for a while. Shawn had put Chris into a figure-four, and then Jericho used his power to throw Michaels into the ring post shoulder first. To add insult to quasi-injury, Y2J reversed a dropkick into the Walls. Although Shawn beats back the count, he can’t stop the run of Jericho.

After what seemed to be a while, Michaels was able to counter-act with a DDT in the center of the ring. Chris Jericho imitates Shawn with the kip-up, and then the original does it! A sequence of roll-ups occur interjected with a Walls of Jericho attempt a bridge-pin that led to a test of strength for HBK.

Jericho got the pendulum swinging back as a Lionsault connects for a 2. Shawn tried to do a hurricurana, but instead is slapped SUCCESSFULLY into them Walls.

Getting to the ropes, this would only begin the punishment for Shawn. Enduring a back-breaker, then the reverse elbow off the top, Jericho sets HIS band up. I’m gonna give this one the name of Sweet Chin Fozzy because IT CONNECTED NASTY!

Despite the replica, the count draws two yet again as Shawn would then try a replica of his own: THE WALLS! Or is it? Turned out to be the catapult into the post, and a near-fall!

Shawn then turned what should have been a superplex into a crossbody in mid-air! Michaels got the momentum back after HIS elbow, and then set-up the band. Like a bad joke, HBK got reversed right into the Walls, this time with more urgency from Jericho to make Shawn tap!

Michaels gets out of it once again, and Jericho bitches to the ref about it. Wasting time, Jericho gets a message. YOU GOT SUPERKICKED, BITCH! This only gets a two because of the slow crawl of Michaels.

Jericho gets up, only to be rolled up by complete surprise from Michaels, and gets his ass beat! Seattle pops for something other than rain, and Shawn comes out on top! Although Jericho puts his hand out, it was all a ruse as Michaels got some Sweet Nut Music from Jericho. For some foreshadowing, this will not be the last time these two show up on the list!

I attacked you and you attacked me, Sounds good enough!

DVDs: Wrestlemania XIX, WrestleMania - The Complete Anthology 1985-2005, Breaking the Code: Behind the Walls of Chris Jericho, Shawn Michaels - My Journey

2004: Royal Rumble Match, Royal Rumble

On a cold and potentially snowy night in the Northeast, I sat down with some iced tea and Fig Newtons ready to watch one of the most epic battlefields of wrestling ever.

Although the majority of the event was somewhat mediocre leading up to this point in time, the major payoff would be the Rumble event. 30 men, either 90 seconds or 2 whole minutes in between each wrestler to come on down, and all for a shot at a world title!

Leading up to the match, all eyes were on Hardcore Holly Chris Benoit. He’d be the thorn of Paul Heyman’s side on Smackdown, and always defying motion. So much so that Heyman, after getting his own finger pulled by Benoit, put the Rabid Wolverine #1 in the match. Seems to be logical thinking by the evil Heyman, put him first so he CAN’T win.

An interview before the Rumble shows Goldberg ready to mash some heads, until Brock Lesnar comes in and disses Goldberg’s ambitions. After saying, “Hey Hardcore” (in reference to the fact Brock beat Holly earlier in a title defense), Lesnar became spooked than annoyed. You’ll see how this turns out later.

Most matches of this magnitude aren’t decided right off the bat. As the case here, it takes a while for the action to get going. Benoit and Randy Orton, number’s 1 and 2 respectively, are the figurative glue holding it together.

Kane enters at #12 and quickly takes over as the man to beat. In 2001, he eliminated 11 men by himself! This seems to be almost elementary until...

...GONG! #13 pops up as well as the crowd. The man behind the music is nowhere to be found, and as Kane is looking befuddled, Booker T eliminates the man. Pissed off, Kane finds Spike Dudley walking down the ramp. The Big Red Machine has that, “Are you kidding me,” look on his face. So Spike, meet steel. Massive chokeslam and Spike never enters the match.

By the time #18 enters, only Benoit and Orton are in the ring. So, who’s #18 you ask? Well, in one of the more entertaining Rumble segue-ways, Ernest “the Cat” Miller and Lamont come on down to dance. Wanting no part of it, the first two men to enter eliminate the duo hastily.

#21 should have been Test coming down. Instead, camera in the back shows him laid out. Sherriff Steve Austin, “concerned”, yells at a mysterious figure to come on down! That “figure” turns out to be MICK FOLEY.

Two trains of thought going on with him. First, Eric Bischoff made JR say if Foley didn’t come, Mick’s a coward. Well, JR said it way too soon. Second, Mick’s been the punching bag for Orton, ranging from June the prior year at MSG to the time he was “fired” as co-GM for losing the IC title match against the member of Evolution. And yes, loogies are illustrated!

Mick finds Orton, and both men are done immediately as Foley does his signature Cactus Clothesline. Foley looked to have had the upper hand until Orton got the steel steps, and Foley met them quite painfully. Trust me, this isn’t over by a far shot, as matches at Wrestlemania and Backlash were to come.

The beginning of the end features Goldberg entering at #30 (earned in a Battle Royal), and cleaning house. Multiple men eliminated, including Nunzio who was press-chucked over the top like a little bag of garbage. Looking impervious, Goldberg seemed to be on the fast track. That was until Brock Lesnar hit the F-5, which led to the elimination of the bald one by another baldie, Kurt Angle!

So Big Show, Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho, John Cena, and Rob Van Dam are amongst the last of the fray. Big Show, after fending off several multiple-men eradication attempts, eliminates everyone but Benoit with ease. Cena’s elimination looked quite bad, as he landed on his left leg and looked to have tweaked it. Funnily enough, that’s how Cena looks landing on his ass for the rest of his career!

Show and Wolverine are the final two. Benoit struggles to get the big red wood over the top. However, Benoit used the leverage game and Big Show goes over the stunning win from #1!

The fallout from this match was unbelievable. Triple H and Shawn Michaels fought in a Last Man Standing match on the PPV, and were ragged-looking to prove it. Austin, who was in the ring with both of them at the beginning of this particular RAW, introduced Benoit as the man who was next in line for the World title shot. That’s right, Benoit jumped ship!

Through March, Benoit had to go through obstacle after obstacle. At the end of Wrestlemania, Benoit defeated both Michaels and H to become World Champion.

The Rumble is one of those matches where it’s not a technical/brawling classic, but the story was so well done and the emotion was about spot-on. The little things, like Undertaker’s teased entrance and a “Testy” entrance for Foley were enough to make this match stand-out against all others for this year. One of those Rumble I could watch all day and never tire of, just like the 2005 one. Unfortunately for the 2005 edition, there were two men in that match who went on to do much better work.

A good little spurt until he went!

DVD’s: Royal Rumble 2004, Royal Rumble, The Complete Anthology

Don’t forget this is just the beginning. Part 2 is on it’s way!

(Flip to Disc 2)