Romancing the Bird: A Good Eats Thanksgiving

In the fall of 1999, Thanksgiving the way I saw it was forever changed.

Food Network was still a channel devoted primarily to milquetoast-style cooking shows. Sure there was Emeril, Mario, and Bobby spicing things up. Of these men however, not one truly revolutionized the cooking show as something fun yet educational.

Enter Alton Brown.

Originally a drama major from the University of Georgia, Mr. Brown was dissatisfied by the quality of the cooking shows on the air. In 1995, Alton graduated from the New England Culinary Institute, where it’s been noted that he would make stock more flavorful by putting in seasoning packets.

Alton created two episodes of what would be Good Eats, “Steak Your Claim” and “This Spud’s for You”, for a PBS station in Chicago. Apparently, Food Network liked what they saw and low and behold, we got a new star in the making!

While it would be a few years before Good Eats got the cultural outpour it so rightfully deserved, the humor behind the science (which Alton admits he sucked badly at in grade school) was prevalent from episode one.

Romancing the Bird (title being parody of the 1984 movie “Romancing the Stone”) on the mean-hand was aired just prior to Thanksgiving in 1999 while being the 14th episode aired under the Good Eats label.

So without much further ado, let’s jump into the madness of the gobble!

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Sitting on his porch with a turkey sandwich in his hand, Alton dives into an anecdote of a Thanksgiving from years gone by. Roll back to a sepia-tone image of 1970, young Alton is about to fill an empty spot at the table. Enter in a stranger (played by Alton), who has a passion for turkey.

Uncle Morty, a rotund man of not much in the brain matter, is about to carve the bird.

That strange man instead overrules and whips out an electric knife!

To the awe of all, the turkey is carved like a Rembrandt painting.

Only there was one catch: while the family was used to the dry turkey that Granny cooked up, this guy wasn’t. So he choked on Gimpy and died, and thus his legend lives on. GOOD EATS!

 In usual Alton style, there is a history lesson to be had. Starting with the initial outing from 1621, which was a three day affair, there were many modifications to this holiday.

After the crop failure of 1622, the gathering was held down until 1777 when it was time to celebrate whoop ass of the British in the Revolutionary War!

While some Presidents of this United States country try to get the Butterball rolling, it wasn’t until a magazine editor by the name of Sarah Hale got inspiration that Thanksgiving could become a reality.

Attempting to push a day for family and their “wholesome values”, apparently everyone and their brother got a letter trying to make a go of this day, but nothing worked.

It wasn’t until Abraham Lincoln (once again portrayed by Alton) in 1864 that Thanksgiving became a holiday, denoting the last Thursday in November to be it. FDR tried to fuzz around the day a little bit, but the public wasn’t too kind to this, and therefore wasn’t mess with again. I’m surprised no President has tried this recently!

After some more history anecdotes, Alton gets a rude awakening from MARCIA MARCIA MARCIA! Obnoxious in nature, she irritates Alton like no one else. Like for instance, first appearance sees her putting a wreath on the front door!

Blabbering on, she goes to note how the family is coming over for Thanksgiving, even if that wasn’t what Alton intended. “Oh, sisters just know these things!” In a fit of somewhat contained rage, Alton throws the wreath onto a bush and thus here comes our first tidbit:

The next scene shows Alton and Marcia sitting in the living room. While Marcia gets carried away in décor, Alton tells her pretty much it’s a turkey/stuffing/cranberry affair. Marcia’s response? “That doesn’t sound very Plymouth”.

Suddenly the screen tints and Alton asks Marcia if she knew what the Pilgrims ate on the first Thanksgiving. In a sense of science fiction retro (ala Matrix), Alton gives Marcia a choice via berries. Blueberry, and it’s family tradition. Cranberry, and it’s pilgrim tradition. Although she takes the blueberry, she’s given the swerve of the cranberry!

In the “forest”, Marcia nags on about how can there be no pie on the first Thanksgiving. Enter in...

Many food stuffs are mentioned, including the notion that Europeans believed potatoes were poisonous. Alton even does an internet plug, HUGE STUFF FOR 1999!

Going over the meats, and while there was turkey, swans, geese, and duck available, the big hit was VENNISON!

Anywhos there’s a small argument after Deborah notes she goes over to Grandma’s house for the day with turkey and all the fixings. “What is anthropologically correct?” We will never know!

Marcia goes to get decorations, while Alton is greeted by a man in a “turkey mobile”.

 

For craps and giggles, Alton heckles the man. “Gee, aren’t all turkeys the same?” Chuck, the driver and “turkey freak”, is absolutely incensed by the man’s “lack of knowledge”. As Chuck retrieves a frozen bird, Alton nods to the camera and cracks himself up.

As mentioned in part, the USDA denotes three types of state a turkey can be in. Frozen is zero degrees or lower (it’s not just water), Refrigerated is one to 26 degrees and requires less thawing time, while Fresh is higher than the 26 threshold.

Uncle Morty appears to be as dumb as usual. “Turkey, you mean the country or the bird?” Hearing about the feast, Uncle packed up his Stratolounger in a trailer and came over to Alton. Chuck was a tiny bit interested in this chair until Alton brings everyone back down to Earth.

“He’s been abusing something,” quips Morty about Chuck, even though Morty’s brain may have been abused by the stressors of alcohol.

After some banter about the legitimacy of grade-A birds, and the insults of the truck, Alton quickly gets a bird and heads back to the house. Morty is given the bird to park, while Alton confides to the camera how he will show the family cooking pointers, but do the exact opposite! Next little snippet coming up:

Next up we have thawing expert Ray, a horrible Elvis impersonator who says to leave the frozen bird on the turkey on the counter for a day or two. Alton is able to lure Ray with a hidden six-pack Morty brought over. “He has left the kitchen!”

Anywhos, without missing a beat, “W” arrives. Now in traditional mock James Bond-theme getup, this hot little minx is an equipment specialist. Before the equipment arrives, time to explain why Ray was absolutely wrong in his assessment!

You see, the frozen turkey has a “danger zone” of pretty much anything over 0 degrees. Leaving it on the counter would be behoove to germs and microbes and all that sort of thing. So Alton gets his fishing cooler, and packs the turkey inside aluminum pan in there. Add in some freezer packs, and its good to go!

After that, W gets the good ol’ briefcase of weaponry out.

 

Up for bids is a thermometer. Not just any old one however, it’s got a digital read-out with a probe that can be safely inserted into the meat! Rest assured, my parents got one after this aired.

Alton, safe to say his character has a little thing for W, invites her over for the feast. “They don’t bite...much...” W politely declines sadly.

If the turkey is still frozen the night before, Alton notes to give it the “Mafia” treatment. This would mean put the bird (in wrapping) in a bucket full of water, AND mash it down with a brick! Rest assured this turkey wishes it could sleep with the fishes!

Next up is Niece Nancy and her basting opinion. Quickly stopped, Alton explains that it doesn’t really do much, and it anything, slows the cooking time of the bird! “Hey, isn’t that your pager I hear going off?” That’s pretty much the only dated part of this program, as you can fill in any electronic device for the pager and the reference still fits!

After creeper Alton has that mag yanked, the magic of the brine is explained. For that, we turn to the mad scientist!

To properly explain how a brine works, time to bring in a prop!

“Where does she get all these wonderful toys?” A Batman reference on a cooking show, surely you jest me wrong! That’s putting aside the James Bond and Elvis references!

Long story short, she explains how the seasonings hook up into the moisture (in this instance salt and water), and together they enter the muscle of the bird and serve out a life sentence. They’re never escaping!

Next segment sees Alton at the stove concocting a brine mixture.

(Minus the allspice and ginger, and that would be the brine my Mom has perfected in the last decade. THANKS ALTON!)

While the brines cooks together, it’s important to note to not brine the turkey with hot liquid. The brine, after the chance to get “happy”, should be chilled, “served on ice”, then introduced to the turkey via a CLEAN bucket. Keep the bucket chilled in a cold place, in this instance Alton uses a garage as example.

Returning to the show after a twenty minute absence, Marcia explains the importance of stuffing a bird. As she is going down an ingredient, random signs are interrupting her. Stopping in a pout, it’s revealed that Alton was doing the signage!

“IT WAS ME MARCIA, IT WAS ME ALL ALONG! AW SON OF A BITCH!”

Alton goes on saying that stuffing is evil. It harbors bacteria while not introducing flavor to the bird. Worst yet, it slows down cooking time!

After getting a dish out of the microwave, its apples and onions going to be used as aromatics for the bird. Adding a cinnamon stick to the fray, Brown then tucks the wings underneath the bird in the hopes to prevent “waddling” and burning.

At this point, Alton notes this could be the time where family comes over. He shows clean spaces where to put down pies and such, while Uncle Morty watches Kojak and does nothing.

Morty, a pop-up populist, tries to persuade the audience that the pop-up thingy in the turkey is the hint that the bird is done.

WRONG!

Alton explains the pop-up is a spring held by an epoxy designed to, well, “pop-up” at a certain temperature. Most of the time, these things go off too early, so never judge. Apparently these things are so ineffective that Alton compares these to Charlie’s Angels doing serious detective work! OUCH! Time for another tidbit this show is famous for:

Prepping the turkey up some more, including the “turkey triangle”, Alton would soon discover something very disturbing. Aunt Verna, “rampant roaster”, tries to lower the temp of the oven. “Low and slow is the only way to go!” Hogwash notes Alton, as the low and slow method rolls the fat off without browning the skin. Alton’s method is to do 500 degrees for a half hour, apply said triangle, and then cook at 350 until the thermometer reads 161.

This was where I thought the show fell apart, but more on that later.

Alton whips up a quick cranberry sauce (rocket scientists need not apply), and then a pan of cornbread BLINDFOLDED!

A few minutes later, all the family is at the table, and the turkey is ready to be served.

However, Alton’s got a secret weapon!

Remember that knife at the very beginning that the stranger used? Well guess what, Alton was saving that for years and has finally had an appropriate use for it!

Now he carves into the turkey, and truth be told, it doesn’t look fully cooked!

Keep in mind with the above picture, that he does say there is “aftercooking” (as in the temperature of the meat goes up even after getting out of the oven), but seriously, look at that pink juice on the board! He then proceeds to cross-contaminate everything in its path, something he notes he tries to prevent in the segment previous! EUGH!

The conclusion shows Alton saving the left-over turkey, which presumably will be used on a later show.

That show, “Behind the Bird”, would be shown over a year later AFTER Thanksgiving to show the uses of the leftover carcass!

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CONCLUSION: While the ending may leave something to be desired, the rest of the hour is some of the most inventive ideals ever heard. From the probe, to the knife, down to the brine, this show inspired my Mom to do something different for Thanksgiving, those things she has done ever since. Many culture references while staying on topic prevents this from being “just another special”, while serving up unique Brown-isms. If you have to watch one cooking special leading up to gobble day, make it this one. Just ignore how horrible the turkey came out, primarily on how undercooked it was.

del.icio.us Tags: 1999,blog,bad booking. good eats,thanksgiving,romancing the bird,batman,james bond,elvis presley,alton brown,yum,nostalgia,culture,pilgrim,unique,seasonal

Viva La Raza: The Eddie Guerrero Tribute Post (10th Anniversary Edition)

On that blustery Sunday afternoon of November the 13th 2005, I was helping my Dad doing what he does best: patch up an automobile.

While I forgot what he was fixing, what happened next I’ll never forget.

My Mom, who was never a fan of sports-entertainment, came rushing out to the porch yelling for me to come inside.

So she told me a wrestler had died, and I was thinking to myself who could it have been? Surely there was a legend, whose years were most likely behind him, who had a short illness and passed on. Maybe even an afterthought on television shows like most jobbers. Tried to downplay this as much as I could.

Until I saw on the computer screen from WWE.com that said, “Eddie Guerrero 1967-2005”.

I broke down and cried.

Amongst the very first times I’ve teared up for something to do with wrestling, it had to do with a performer whose presence was more than welcome on my television screen.
As for my markdom of Eddie so to speak, it has to go all the way back to the first episode of RAW I ever watched back in 2002.

The Rock was making fun of Eddie Guerrero like only The Rock can. “Viva la viva Eddie Guerrero!” It was one of those epic rips I know for sure was a laugh riot then, still is now. It was one of things where surely now it would be a generic-character bad guy being in the Guerrero role, but Guerrero is Latino mothereffin’ Heat y’all, and therefore he looked as good as the competition!

His singular biggest impact on me though would come a few months after that spat with Rocky.

After a months-long feud with Edge, the two combatants were set to square off on SMACKDOWN in a feud-ending No Disqualification match. While the acting was pretty much straight-forward wrestling until the commercial break, the contest post-break was brawling and weapon chicanery to the max!

Edge and Eddie took equal abuse. Whether it’d be a sunset-flip powerbomb or a helo (sorry for my spelling) onto the ladder, both men had the grimaced look of grizzled warriors. The climatic finish saw Edge use his patented Edgecution on Eddie... FROM THE TOP OF A GOD DAMNED LADDER! That’s right, Eddie’s face met nothing but canvas and ate a three count for his troubles. Bloodied from a legitimate cut, Eddie would get a thunderous ovation for his hard work. A bad guy getting applause for his efforts? Another feather in Eddie's cap on his talents. 

For the next year, Eddie would not only turn face, but team up with beloved nephew Chavo on a hellacious run of “Los Guerreros”. The only thing more epic than their matches, and there was quite a few of them, was their vignettes based on the motto of “Lying, Cheating, and Stealing.” Baby bottles and dance parties were amongst the topics not spared for this “dastardly duo”, who seriously had some heel-like attitudes in a face situation. 

No Way Out 2004 though would see Eddie receive his biggest triumph: the WWE Championship. After Frog-Splashing Brock Lesnar (who was taken out by Goldberg), Eddie ran into the crowd where his legitimate family was sitting ringside. Later-shown backstage camera footage saw the locker room pay respect to the veteran, who certainly had a long road before getting the belt.

Long story short, the long road consisted of kicking drug and alcohol habits that should have destroyed him, but didn’t. Eddie turned his life around. He found his savior in Jesus Christ and renewed his vows to beloved wife Vickie. 

2004-2005 would see a character change as Eddie turned heel on friend Rey Mysterio. Bringing in “bastard children” and even Vickie as a rookie WWE on-screen character, the feud was silly, but had tons of great matches in them. Despite all of that, Eddie’s character remained red hot with the fans.

Along this time, Eddie was showing signs of another face turn when he and Batista, then-champion, were tagging and showing respect to one another. They were even going to be on the same team at the Survivor Series, taking on team RAW with Shawn Michaels as the captain.

Eddie’s last appearance on TV saw him beat Mr. Kennedy by DQ, but then get BLASTED in the head with a chair.

Cut back to that Sunday afternoon.

There was a Supershow going to be taped anyway for RAW and SMACKDOWN, but instead of pushing Survivor Series, it became a Eddie Guerrero Tribute. A move people expected, but was appreciated given the circumstances.

Four of the most emotional hours of television ensued. The lines of faces and heels were cast aside as men took each other on in friendly matchups, while others were nowhere near consolable on the matter. Like Dean Malenko and Chris Benoit for example, two long-time friends on the road. You know shit's going down when Rey Mysterio takes off his mask! Speaking of Mysterio, one of the sadder pieces of imagery was the opening to that RAW when they had everyone stand in silence for the bell toll, and fans/wrestlers alike where pretty much stone-cold in their appearance. Rey, having Shawn hold him, looked like a child mourning for his father, and became the most sympathetic person right then and there. Keep in mind Shawn kicked Rey’s head off in one of the best matches of the year, but the two hugged it out like brothers post-match.

Eddie’s autobiography is one of the saddest things ever read too, because of the realization that sets in after closing the final page. If you want to see what I’m talking about, you can order the book here. Literally, the book was released so close after Eddie’s death (very accidentally, that date was chosen for months), that the literary irony doesn’t enter a subconscious until you really think deep down.

For one of the most bizarre analogies ever written, Eddie Guerrero is like Dale Earnhardt. Like Dale’s death in that 2001 Daytona 500 spurred the evolution of safety, Eddie’s death spurred the evolution of health/drug testing. The Wellness Policy, instituted by WWE in early 2006, has not only tested superstar for illegal drug use, but also for medical conditions either pre-existing or not-known. For example, MVP had a heart condition not known about until a Wellness test, and as a result, he got a life-saving pacemaker.

Even ten years on, it hurts as much as it did now as it did then. Eddie is one of the most unique men in wrestling history. While short in stature, he was not short in every other conceivable nature. The skills, persona, charisma, you name it, were in a stratosphere hardly contained by a wrestling ring. In a era now where a ton of new wrestling talent seem to look and sound the same, Eddie was someone who can be looked at as an original.

I have no real ending for this, so with tears welling up yet again, “Thank You Eddie!” 

del.icio.us Tags: eddie guerrero,tribute,2005,raw,smackdown,wwe,wwf,wrestling,bad booking,blog,chris benoit,rey mysterio. wrestling,wrestlemania,no way out,youtube

BBB Reviews: Poodle Hat

Just like how Weird Al waits for the “next big thing”, it took me quite a while to get to this review right off of “Running with Scissors”.

As we left you, Al went to Albuquerque to have a strange adventure full of inadequacies and pathos. 11+ minutes and without the full lyrics in the CD liner, ‘Albuquerque’ was a sweepingly epic track to conclude what was a sweepingly epic album.

That was 1999.

Now we come to 2003 and Poodle Hat, an album which knows full well it has something to live up to.

Originally, I felt really mixed about the album. While I thought it started out strong, some of the songs in the middle were songs I didn’t particularly enjoy, like ‘Wanna B Ur Lovr” and “Ode to a Superhero”.

However, there’s a reason why I do these reviews subjectively. With a lot of these albums, it’s like I’m viewing them for the first time with what they were “supposed to be”, as in I finally researched what was their influence.

Speaking of influence, Al’s record over the last decade and a half of making albums has been based off of the “next big thing” as noted to earlier. For ‘Scissors’ it was parodying the first prequel Star Wars flick. As for the ‘Poodle’, it was a red-hot Eminem.

Without further ado, let’s jump into it. By the way, that was Al’s legitimate poodle on his head!

1. Couch Potato: Imagine instead of basing a plot of a movie, base the plot off your tube with the extreme amount of programming available.

“Lose Yourself”, the original by Eminem, was literally a plot interpretation of the hit movie “8 Mile”, which Marshall Mathers stars as pretty much himself.

“Couch Potato” is, at least in my translation, what if Alex from ‘A Clockwork Orange’ was forced to watch TV all day in substitution of trying to cure his violent tendencies.

Basic plot of the song is simple. “Look, if you had, one shot, to sit on your lazy butt, and watch all the TV you ever wanted. ‘Til your brain turned to mush. Would you go for it, or just let it slip?”

Right off the bat it’s a great parody because that first part immediately goes for the subject matter, as for the next four minutes, Al batters that first verse in. Until I did some research, I literally never thought of it that way before! That’s what the ‘Slim Shady’ did in the original as well!

No popular shows/channels of the time are spared of ridicule. Ranging from ‘Sopranos’ to ‘NASCAR’ to even ‘Will & Grace’, Al’s character sits in that chair and watches that stuff like a whore on the street corner. “Network execs with naked ambitions, next week on FOX watch ‘Lions Eat Christians’!” I’m surprised that show hasn’t been made yet. Or isn’t that Spartacus?

I’m also almost convinced that the last line uttered in the song, “...you can watch anything you want to man,” was originally going to be an end piece for the music video.

Which was sadly denied by Eminem himself.

With that action, “Poodle Hat” became the first and only Yankovic album to not have a music video promote it. Even with this devastating blow, Al has no ill will towards the man. It should also be noted that while the video was not given a go, using “Slim Shady” on the later polka track was. I guess sometimes things work out.

Of all the Al opening tracks, this one may very well be the most underrated one. That’s saying something, considering there have been some STRONG start-off tracks in the past. It’s a parody that aims for not only the subject material at hand, but also the parodies the structure of the original right down to the core. This author doesn’t know if that was the intention, but that’s just scribing. Two thumbs up here!

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Couch Potato lyrics

2. Hardware Store: To follow a successful romp of a parody, time to make a ruckus original!

Al’s character, quite simply, is in absolute adoration of a hardware store opening up close to home. Perhaps it could be a sign of Billy Joel’s “No Man Land” coming into fruition?

In any event, Al is a hobo of unshaven dirty mess. He’s been waiting since last June (the album was released in May 2003) to wait on line so he can be that “every 27th customer can get a ball peen hammer free!”

Stepping in the store, he finds people with name badges, stuff, and well, more stuff!

As you’ll see in the lyrics widget, there is a very impressive sequence where Al rattles off a rapid-fire list of items found in said store. It sounds like it has a relation to George Carlin’s later “Technology Man” sketch from “Life is Worth Losing”.

Since I listened to this album originally back in my old hometown, I related to this song a lot on the basis of a crop of new stores opening. Expansion if you will. That’s how the Billy Joel reference fits, because of “modernization”.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Hardware Store lyrics

3. Trash Day: The song who gave it’s life to this parody is “Hot in Herre” by Nelly.

And the two songs, unlike the lead-off, could not be any different.

While the original deals with how to be a “gangsta” so to speak, this parody deals with a person who should be on an episode of “Hoarders”.

To term it lightly, the house is a mess just short of condemning. Imagery like rotten food, rats running amok, and obnoxious odors permeate the lyrics.

That’s about it truly. All set to a hip hop theme that’s as clean as the song is dirty.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Trash Day lyrics

4. Party at the Leper Colony: While the lyrics are original, the styles are completely “tribute”.

For one, there’s a major dash of Bo Diddley in the equation. If you don’t know who he is, here’s a Wikipedia link (with sources at the bottom).

In addition, Bruce Springsteen rhythms are spoken of too. Most notably, there’s a hint of “She’s the One” from Born to Run as instrumentals in the opening.

Let’s add a third unspoken layer, shall we? “Magic Bus” from The Who feels like inspiration too, as I can recognize that sequence anywhere.

To the song, and wow is it awfully punny.

When you see the word ‘Leper’ in the song title, there will be automatic reference to limb losing. That is in here in spades. “Let’s give ‘em a hand...”. ARGH!

The main plot is around people “giving” their limbs at a party. No more, no less.

Not the best song, but one for a cruel laugh or two.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Party At The Leper Colony lyrics

5. Angry White Boy Polka: What is a “Weird Al” album without the traditional polka spiel? With that in mind, here’s the mug shot of the songs used:

• "Last Resort" by Papa Roach
• "Chop Suey!" by System of a Down
• "Get Free" by The Vines
• "Hate to Say I Told You So" by The Hives
• "Fell in Love with a Girl" by The White Stripes
• "Last Nite" by The Strokes
• "Down with the Sickness" by Disturbed
• "Renegades of Funk" by Rage Against the Machine, originally by Afrika Bambaataa
• "My Way" by Limp Bizkit
• "Outside" by Staind
• "Bawitdaba" by Kid Rock
• "Youth of the Nation" by P.O.D.
• "The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem
• "Poodle Hat Polka" by "Weird Al" Yankovic

This one stands near the top of all polkas ever done. Not only does it follow a theme of angry white boys down to a ‘T’, but someone made a flash video years ago that gave this song a fresh breath of air.

As a whole, a highly recommended polka. Sounds dark and grungy in some places, but it reflects the source material accurately.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Angry White Boy Polka lyrics

6. Wanna B Ur Lovr: I remember not liking this song much on my first listen-through, and I realize why.

This song just DRAGS!

At a six minutes and fifteen seconds (6:15), this is the second longest track on the album. A track that could have conveyed its message in about 60% of the time.

A style parody of Beck, the song is mostly about a geek who tries to pick up women with some of the worst pick-up lines imaginable.

While I don’t mind “cringe-worthy” lyrics, I do mind if they’re just stretching out time for the sake of it. “I’m a Groovy Guy” from the first album is a better execution on the same basic principle. If anything, I was happy this song ended and even happier when the next one started.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Wanna B Ur Lovr lyrics

7. A Complicated Song: Ahh, this is more like it!

A parody of Avril Lavigne’s “Complicated”, this is the traditional torture song that appears on every Al album!

Avril’s song had a very much centered narrative for her piece, while Al’s has seven variations of the same thing. Every one of them, torture to experience, and torture to describe.

Firstly, we got a delicious problem. The host of the party Al goes to orders NINETEEN extra-large pizzas. No one shows up, so Al swallows his pride and takes all of them home to eat. Here, Al is ‘constipated’ and needs his bowels ‘evacuated’. That’s gross.

Next up is a problem inadvertently incestuous. Al dates a girl and they fall madly in love. Nothing appears to be wrong until Al finds a tattoo on her thigh that is suspiciously like his. Turns out both are cousins, and thus they are ‘related’. He thinks they should go to Alabama where this sort of thing is ‘tolerated’. 

Concluding our problems is a gory one. Al tries out a roller coaster, and well, he doesn’t read the instructions. STANDING UP ON THE RIDE, he gets “decapitated”. It’s such a drag, because he can’t yodel or read “Sports Illustrated”. In extension, he wonders why did he get all “mutilated”. While his neck is in joy in a pleasant breeze, he hasn’t been the same since he was “separated” from his head.

I love this track primarily because it’s Al doing one of the things he does best: disgusting torture songs, but this one had a “-ed” theme.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - A Complicated Song lyrics

8. Why Does This Always Happen to Me?: Ben ‘folds’ into the style parody of his work by contributing piano! With some of the stuff I’m about to describe, I’d imagine there were TONS of takes being done!

As mentioned, it’s a original in lyrics, but a style parody in heart. The main narrative of the track is about a guy whose life is “disturbed” by “minor inconveniences”.

Firstly, there’s an earthquake in Peru. Devastating at an 8.2, some thirty thousand people were crushed to death while more were buried alive. So what was the problem? Apparently ‘The Simpsons’ was being recorded, and the station cut in for coverage. That’ll piss people off!

Next up is a major wreck on a highway. 12 cars involved, and everyone in the automobiles were killed. Blood, gore, guts, et al. So what pisses Al off? Two things. First, one of his co-workers owes his five bucks, and because he died in the wreck, he’ll never get it back. Secondly, Al will be late to work. Oh well, better call the boss! Hey, this blogger had to do that two months ago post-Irene!

Last up is a horrible boss. Al’s at work, and apparently, the printer has run out of toner. Time to get a new case, but Al’s got work to do! The boss keeps egging him on about it, so Al decides to stab the guy. Big problem here? It’s not that we was goaded into doing a store run, but that the knife is ruined! Never be as sharp as it was, or as cut-worthy. Poor Al, can’t catch a break, can he?

I forgot how funny this track was. While not the out-right torture track because most of the events happen out of the character’s perspective, it is still unpleasant and disturbing to listen to. That’s just fine with me!

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Why Does This Always Happen To Me lyrics

9. Ode to a Superhero: The original song that provided the parody is a timeless classic. “Piano Man” by Billy Joel (the album now re-released in a new ‘Legacy Edition’), is about good ol’ William’s life experiences before in the grungy and seedy bars he frequents in performance.

This parody is to Piano Man what American Pie was to Star Wars: a summary of the plot in song form.

What made this one feel so bland however?

To me, I thought the “sling us a web, you’re the Spiderman” bit was clever, but very little else. Maybe it’s just me and I hold the original to very high esteem, but this just didn’t fit. Maybe the lack of a music video hurt it, as the Star Wars parody was helped tremendously by one. As both a Weird Al and Billy Joel fan, this one just didn’t work out right, and for one of Joel’s signature songs, it’s a shame.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Ode To A Superhero lyrics

10. Bob: An original song, but the style is prevalent from the very first second.

A disguised tribute to Bob Dylan and his song-writing abilities, the whole track is done in palindromes. There’s no real narrative to speak of, but the track is humorous in its sound and lyrics, so that’s always a plus.

While the album had no music video to promote with, there was a music video from this song made for the AL-TV special and later the music video DVD. This marks the only music video made for the album, and the only album to have one video at all.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Bob lyrics

11. eBay: A parody of Backstreet Boys’ “I Want it That Way”, the song revolves around Al buying a whole bunch of obscure stuff on the famous seller-driven site.

Outside of “It’s All About the Pentiums”, there hasn’t been a lot of Al’s repertoire covered in technology. Especially one where HTTP is involved.

It’s a treat listening to this, because as much as I was annoyed by the original, this one mocked it and more. Some of the items are dreamy (snow-globe, Dukes of Hazzard ash tray), while a Beanie Baby from Norway seems a little weird.

For a penultimate track, good work by Al.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Ebay lyrics

12. Genius in France: Before typing those words, I took a big breath.

I have REALLY mixed feelings about this song.

One day I’ll love it and the other I’ll loathe it like the bottom of the barrel.

It’s a Frank Zappa cover with Frank’s son Dweezil playing that opening guitar solo that should have been a separate track.

Because this album was released in 2003, I think this song may have been done in political protest. If you may recall from this period, France decided to pull out of Iraq claiming it didn’t support the war on terror... when originally the country said they’d be large and In charge.

So Al in the meantime, pretty much mocks the French for about nine minutes.

The main narrative feels simple: Al, as dumb as a bag of rocks (and all comparatives of the saying), travels to France, and pretty much dominates the country.

Like ‘Lovr’, this song wouldn’t be so opinion-invoking if it was like half the length.

Most of the song dragged worse than a WWE match with two men weighing 500 pounds apiece!

I’m not kidding, there’s a whole minute where nothing but sound effects and non-sensical blabber take over. I wish I was making this up! The next album “Straight Outta Lynwood” successfully mocks a country (Canada), but embraces the culture too.

I’m wrapping this one up quick: Either you’ll love it or hate it, but whatever the opinion is, it’ll probably decide your love of the overall album.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Genius In France lyrics

 

IN CONCLUSION:  This album is sadly still amongst the bottom of the Al album talent pool, but even then, it’s still better than most artists’ best work.

It seems like 3/4 of the album is classic Al, but that rotten 1/4 is unique enough to drag it to hell. I can’t remember a song as offensive as ‘Genius’, as annoying as ‘Lovr’, and as dragging as both of them! ‘Leper’ wasn’t great shakes either.

The other songs though are at least good to excellent. As an album though, its inconsistent, and the good songs aren’t collectively strong enough to bring this album out of the gutter. Indeed, a few sour apples spoil the bunch.

del.icio.us Tags: weird al yankovic,2003,poodle hat,eminem,nelly,bo diddley,bruce springsteen,billy joel,avril lavigne,bbb,blog,bad booking. france,ebay,running with scissors,straight outta lynood,leper,polka,album

 

 

A General Announcement Post

 

(Forza 3 picture if anyone was wondering)

I figured I’d try something new with the blog, and that’s pretty much make here-and-there announcements concerning future blog posts and other topics that may be covered.

First off, let me state that there are two “sections” I have awfully neglected in the last four months or so. Those two are the Weird Al Album Review Archive and The 30 Days of WWE Challenge Page. Ever since I became gainfully employed again back in July, I haven’t had the time to focus on those pages, and instead focused on what got me the most views on this here blog: wrestling lists/reviews.

As for Weird Al, I do plan on going ahead with Poodle Hat and hopefully get a post up Friday some time. As one of his lesser albums in my mind, it should be interesting to see if the opinion on it changes. I still believe “Genius in France” is by far the most overwrought song Al has ever done.

As for the ‘30 Days’, that one will be a little tougher. I am contemplating putting multiple days together and do that once a week until it is completed. I still have the original MS Notepad file with the days/selections, so it’s not like it’ll be off the top of my head.

Speaking off the top of my head, I plan on doing a special Thanksgiving post slated for one week from this coming Friday. It won’t revolve around wrestling, or NASCAR (even though the 10-year anniversary of ‘that’ New Hampshire race is coming), or even cartoons.

Instead, it will involve a special originally aired on Food Network in 1999 and has sought regular holiday rotation on cooking channels since. It’s far from the traditional “throw things in a pan and cook” style that most shows envelop, and actually holds up quite well despite the fact it is over 10 years old. Although the show it’s based off of is now officially retired (BOO!), the influence the program brought to my family will never go away.

Before wrapping this up, allow me to shill some DVD’s up for pre-order that look quite tempting. Apparently from places I go to, I can really do a sell job, so let’s see what I can do here. Remember that any product purchased through the links helps this blog, so anything done is greatly appreciated.

For the wrestling fan, there is the new Stone Cold DVD set, which has multiple discs of matches in addition to a BRAND NEW DOCUMENTARY that chronicles the life of the Rattlesnake. Not only is there a new documentary, but there are rarely-seen promos finally seeing the light of day! Lastly, Austin and Jim Ross do alternate commentary for the historic battles at Wrestlemania 13, XIV, and X-Seven!! That alone could be worth the price of admission. Hitting the street just after Thanksgiving (November 29th), this disc set looks to be HOT for the holidays! Here’s the link for the pre-order.

Just before that, a major Blu-ray release for the lover in classic animation. There is a new Looney Tunes release coming entitled the Platinum Collection. Three discs in total, it features well-known cartoons getting high-definition transfers (off of STUNNING restorations used mostly for the Golden Collections of yore), and has a whole disc of special features. While it may look like a bunch of repeats to most (save for a few new cartoons), the high-definition transfers and the “collector’s edition” (which includes certificate of authenticity, drinking glass, replica cels, etc.) looks worth it to me. This disc set, which comes in a digi-book format, hits the market on November 15th. Here’s the link for that bad-boy.

One more consideration, this time for an actual theatrical movie that’s RECENT. The smash sequel to a very much smash original, The Hangover Part II presents the theory of, “what’s not broke doesn’t need fixing.” In a nutshell, put in the crazy plot of the original, replace Doug’s wedding for Stu’s wedding, and put in exotic Thailand instead of gambling Las Vegas. While critics complained the movie felt a little too familiar, there was certainly nothing wrong with kicking back and laughing at stuff you feel bad laughing at. In a sense, I thought that while it wasn’t perfect per se, it was still an enjoyable romp that brings on the laughs and horrible Billy Joel parodies. If you’re interested in checking this out, click here. Or hell, if you don’t own the original that’s nearly a modern-day classic, do yourself a favor and get a copy here.

And that’s enough of that! See ya’ll back here on Friday for a new entry!

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Kyle Busch, Puerile NASCAR Driver, Parked for Weekend!

For a rare NASCAR article, this one is a biggie.

Last night in the Camping World Truck Series race at Texas Motor Speedway, “the line was crossed”, so to speak.

Kyle Busch in his own #18 Toyota was racing Ron Hornaday in the #33 Chevy that was running for the championship in the series. Both of them made it three wide in turn two after coming up on the lapped truck of Johnny Chapman, who quite frankly is to this race what Charlie Kimball is to the Indianapolis 500. If you want to see where my analogy comes from, please read this entry.

Or watch this. Doesn’t matter.

With how this three-wide deal, even for a split second, affects the aerodynamics on the trucks, it seems that one of those trucks was bound to get hairy.

And it was Hornaday’s.

Ron, who is a former four-time champ of the series, got loose (or the rear tires slipped out from under him) in the center of the turn, ran up into Kyle, and they both tagged the wall.

Caution is out by the time both damaged trucks hit the backstretch.

Busch, obviously and understandably displeased, runs up the tailgate of Hornaday’s truck, and sends him head-on into the wall in turn three. Busch wrecked his own truck in the process.

And away we go!

This is where the proverbial shit hits the fan.

Kyle, who has had history of immature on-track behavior, was parked for the rest of the night.

In a move not seen since 2005 for the higher-up division, NASCAR has parked Busch for the rest of the weekend. That means Kyle won’t be in the Nationwide race, or in the Sprint Cup race, where he is amongst the twelve men running for the title in “The Chase”.

While I’m not surprised, I am really disappointed in the man also known as “Shrub”.

The younger Busch brother (whose older brother Kurt is a former Sprint Cup champion), has had one of those seasons where when it looked like he was going to be a role model, he achieves something so stupid it really brings home the moniker, “one step forward, two steps backward.”

Let’s all go back to the Showtime Southern 500 Sprint Cup race from Darlington in South Carolina.

Kyle, who had been racing with Kevin Harvick in the #29 quite hard, sent Harvick careening into not only Kevin’s teammate Clint Bowyer (who wrecked), but also got spun from the right rear fender as well. That usually means WAR!

Post-race, Kevin got out of his car (engine shut off) to show his displeasure to Busch. Kyle wants none of it, and punts Harvick’s car right into the pit road wall, with no one at the wall and no engine on. The actions of both men would slap them with four-race probation periods.

To figure, Regan Smith’s win was totally ignored.

Now let’s all go back to Texas.

Hornaday’s truck is owned by KHI, or Kevin Harvick Incorporated. Delana, who is Kevin’s wife, is the written owner of the truck. The team was going for the truck title, but now is officially out of the hunt following the on-track skirmish.

While the inadvertent ironies are enough for this angle, I will say this: Kyle better step up, or step aside. A man boy with too much talent should be focusing on the big picture, not on wrecking people he doesn’t race with on a regular basis. It also wouldn’t hurt sometimes to check your ego at the door when it’s time to eat humble pie.

Oh, did I tell you the last man NASCAR parked for the weekend in Cup was Kyle’s older brother Kurt for “blowing too much”? When I mean that, I mean DWI kids.

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