Romancing the Bird: A Good Eats Thanksgiving

In the fall of 1999, Thanksgiving the way I saw it was forever changed.

Food Network was still a channel devoted primarily to milquetoast-style cooking shows. Sure there was Emeril, Mario, and Bobby spicing things up. Of these men however, not one truly revolutionized the cooking show as something fun yet educational.

Enter Alton Brown.

Originally a drama major from the University of Georgia, Mr. Brown was dissatisfied by the quality of the cooking shows on the air. In 1995, Alton graduated from the New England Culinary Institute, where it’s been noted that he would make stock more flavorful by putting in seasoning packets.

Alton created two episodes of what would be Good Eats, “Steak Your Claim” and “This Spud’s for You”, for a PBS station in Chicago. Apparently, Food Network liked what they saw and low and behold, we got a new star in the making!

While it would be a few years before Good Eats got the cultural outpour it so rightfully deserved, the humor behind the science (which Alton admits he sucked badly at in grade school) was prevalent from episode one.

Romancing the Bird (title being parody of the 1984 movie “Romancing the Stone”) on the mean-hand was aired just prior to Thanksgiving in 1999 while being the 14th episode aired under the Good Eats label.

So without much further ado, let’s jump into the madness of the gobble!

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Sitting on his porch with a turkey sandwich in his hand, Alton dives into an anecdote of a Thanksgiving from years gone by. Roll back to a sepia-tone image of 1970, young Alton is about to fill an empty spot at the table. Enter in a stranger (played by Alton), who has a passion for turkey.

Uncle Morty, a rotund man of not much in the brain matter, is about to carve the bird.

That strange man instead overrules and whips out an electric knife!

To the awe of all, the turkey is carved like a Rembrandt painting.

Only there was one catch: while the family was used to the dry turkey that Granny cooked up, this guy wasn’t. So he choked on Gimpy and died, and thus his legend lives on. GOOD EATS!

 In usual Alton style, there is a history lesson to be had. Starting with the initial outing from 1621, which was a three day affair, there were many modifications to this holiday.

After the crop failure of 1622, the gathering was held down until 1777 when it was time to celebrate whoop ass of the British in the Revolutionary War!

While some Presidents of this United States country try to get the Butterball rolling, it wasn’t until a magazine editor by the name of Sarah Hale got inspiration that Thanksgiving could become a reality.

Attempting to push a day for family and their “wholesome values”, apparently everyone and their brother got a letter trying to make a go of this day, but nothing worked.

It wasn’t until Abraham Lincoln (once again portrayed by Alton) in 1864 that Thanksgiving became a holiday, denoting the last Thursday in November to be it. FDR tried to fuzz around the day a little bit, but the public wasn’t too kind to this, and therefore wasn’t mess with again. I’m surprised no President has tried this recently!

After some more history anecdotes, Alton gets a rude awakening from MARCIA MARCIA MARCIA! Obnoxious in nature, she irritates Alton like no one else. Like for instance, first appearance sees her putting a wreath on the front door!

Blabbering on, she goes to note how the family is coming over for Thanksgiving, even if that wasn’t what Alton intended. “Oh, sisters just know these things!” In a fit of somewhat contained rage, Alton throws the wreath onto a bush and thus here comes our first tidbit:

The next scene shows Alton and Marcia sitting in the living room. While Marcia gets carried away in décor, Alton tells her pretty much it’s a turkey/stuffing/cranberry affair. Marcia’s response? “That doesn’t sound very Plymouth”.

Suddenly the screen tints and Alton asks Marcia if she knew what the Pilgrims ate on the first Thanksgiving. In a sense of science fiction retro (ala Matrix), Alton gives Marcia a choice via berries. Blueberry, and it’s family tradition. Cranberry, and it’s pilgrim tradition. Although she takes the blueberry, she’s given the swerve of the cranberry!

In the “forest”, Marcia nags on about how can there be no pie on the first Thanksgiving. Enter in...

Many food stuffs are mentioned, including the notion that Europeans believed potatoes were poisonous. Alton even does an internet plug, HUGE STUFF FOR 1999!

Going over the meats, and while there was turkey, swans, geese, and duck available, the big hit was VENNISON!

Anywhos there’s a small argument after Deborah notes she goes over to Grandma’s house for the day with turkey and all the fixings. “What is anthropologically correct?” We will never know!

Marcia goes to get decorations, while Alton is greeted by a man in a “turkey mobile”.

 

For craps and giggles, Alton heckles the man. “Gee, aren’t all turkeys the same?” Chuck, the driver and “turkey freak”, is absolutely incensed by the man’s “lack of knowledge”. As Chuck retrieves a frozen bird, Alton nods to the camera and cracks himself up.

As mentioned in part, the USDA denotes three types of state a turkey can be in. Frozen is zero degrees or lower (it’s not just water), Refrigerated is one to 26 degrees and requires less thawing time, while Fresh is higher than the 26 threshold.

Uncle Morty appears to be as dumb as usual. “Turkey, you mean the country or the bird?” Hearing about the feast, Uncle packed up his Stratolounger in a trailer and came over to Alton. Chuck was a tiny bit interested in this chair until Alton brings everyone back down to Earth.

“He’s been abusing something,” quips Morty about Chuck, even though Morty’s brain may have been abused by the stressors of alcohol.

After some banter about the legitimacy of grade-A birds, and the insults of the truck, Alton quickly gets a bird and heads back to the house. Morty is given the bird to park, while Alton confides to the camera how he will show the family cooking pointers, but do the exact opposite! Next little snippet coming up:

Next up we have thawing expert Ray, a horrible Elvis impersonator who says to leave the frozen bird on the turkey on the counter for a day or two. Alton is able to lure Ray with a hidden six-pack Morty brought over. “He has left the kitchen!”

Anywhos, without missing a beat, “W” arrives. Now in traditional mock James Bond-theme getup, this hot little minx is an equipment specialist. Before the equipment arrives, time to explain why Ray was absolutely wrong in his assessment!

You see, the frozen turkey has a “danger zone” of pretty much anything over 0 degrees. Leaving it on the counter would be behoove to germs and microbes and all that sort of thing. So Alton gets his fishing cooler, and packs the turkey inside aluminum pan in there. Add in some freezer packs, and its good to go!

After that, W gets the good ol’ briefcase of weaponry out.

 

Up for bids is a thermometer. Not just any old one however, it’s got a digital read-out with a probe that can be safely inserted into the meat! Rest assured, my parents got one after this aired.

Alton, safe to say his character has a little thing for W, invites her over for the feast. “They don’t bite...much...” W politely declines sadly.

If the turkey is still frozen the night before, Alton notes to give it the “Mafia” treatment. This would mean put the bird (in wrapping) in a bucket full of water, AND mash it down with a brick! Rest assured this turkey wishes it could sleep with the fishes!

Next up is Niece Nancy and her basting opinion. Quickly stopped, Alton explains that it doesn’t really do much, and it anything, slows the cooking time of the bird! “Hey, isn’t that your pager I hear going off?” That’s pretty much the only dated part of this program, as you can fill in any electronic device for the pager and the reference still fits!

After creeper Alton has that mag yanked, the magic of the brine is explained. For that, we turn to the mad scientist!

To properly explain how a brine works, time to bring in a prop!

“Where does she get all these wonderful toys?” A Batman reference on a cooking show, surely you jest me wrong! That’s putting aside the James Bond and Elvis references!

Long story short, she explains how the seasonings hook up into the moisture (in this instance salt and water), and together they enter the muscle of the bird and serve out a life sentence. They’re never escaping!

Next segment sees Alton at the stove concocting a brine mixture.

(Minus the allspice and ginger, and that would be the brine my Mom has perfected in the last decade. THANKS ALTON!)

While the brines cooks together, it’s important to note to not brine the turkey with hot liquid. The brine, after the chance to get “happy”, should be chilled, “served on ice”, then introduced to the turkey via a CLEAN bucket. Keep the bucket chilled in a cold place, in this instance Alton uses a garage as example.

Returning to the show after a twenty minute absence, Marcia explains the importance of stuffing a bird. As she is going down an ingredient, random signs are interrupting her. Stopping in a pout, it’s revealed that Alton was doing the signage!

“IT WAS ME MARCIA, IT WAS ME ALL ALONG! AW SON OF A BITCH!”

Alton goes on saying that stuffing is evil. It harbors bacteria while not introducing flavor to the bird. Worst yet, it slows down cooking time!

After getting a dish out of the microwave, its apples and onions going to be used as aromatics for the bird. Adding a cinnamon stick to the fray, Brown then tucks the wings underneath the bird in the hopes to prevent “waddling” and burning.

At this point, Alton notes this could be the time where family comes over. He shows clean spaces where to put down pies and such, while Uncle Morty watches Kojak and does nothing.

Morty, a pop-up populist, tries to persuade the audience that the pop-up thingy in the turkey is the hint that the bird is done.

WRONG!

Alton explains the pop-up is a spring held by an epoxy designed to, well, “pop-up” at a certain temperature. Most of the time, these things go off too early, so never judge. Apparently these things are so ineffective that Alton compares these to Charlie’s Angels doing serious detective work! OUCH! Time for another tidbit this show is famous for:

Prepping the turkey up some more, including the “turkey triangle”, Alton would soon discover something very disturbing. Aunt Verna, “rampant roaster”, tries to lower the temp of the oven. “Low and slow is the only way to go!” Hogwash notes Alton, as the low and slow method rolls the fat off without browning the skin. Alton’s method is to do 500 degrees for a half hour, apply said triangle, and then cook at 350 until the thermometer reads 161.

This was where I thought the show fell apart, but more on that later.

Alton whips up a quick cranberry sauce (rocket scientists need not apply), and then a pan of cornbread BLINDFOLDED!

A few minutes later, all the family is at the table, and the turkey is ready to be served.

However, Alton’s got a secret weapon!

Remember that knife at the very beginning that the stranger used? Well guess what, Alton was saving that for years and has finally had an appropriate use for it!

Now he carves into the turkey, and truth be told, it doesn’t look fully cooked!

Keep in mind with the above picture, that he does say there is “aftercooking” (as in the temperature of the meat goes up even after getting out of the oven), but seriously, look at that pink juice on the board! He then proceeds to cross-contaminate everything in its path, something he notes he tries to prevent in the segment previous! EUGH!

The conclusion shows Alton saving the left-over turkey, which presumably will be used on a later show.

That show, “Behind the Bird”, would be shown over a year later AFTER Thanksgiving to show the uses of the leftover carcass!

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CONCLUSION: While the ending may leave something to be desired, the rest of the hour is some of the most inventive ideals ever heard. From the probe, to the knife, down to the brine, this show inspired my Mom to do something different for Thanksgiving, those things she has done ever since. Many culture references while staying on topic prevents this from being “just another special”, while serving up unique Brown-isms. If you have to watch one cooking special leading up to gobble day, make it this one. Just ignore how horrible the turkey came out, primarily on how undercooked it was.

del.icio.us Tags: 1999,blog,bad booking. good eats,thanksgiving,romancing the bird,batman,james bond,elvis presley,alton brown,yum,nostalgia,culture,pilgrim,unique,seasonal

Viva La Raza: The Eddie Guerrero Tribute Post (10th Anniversary Edition)

On that blustery Sunday afternoon of November the 13th 2005, I was helping my Dad doing what he does best: patch up an automobile.

While I forgot what he was fixing, what happened next I’ll never forget.

My Mom, who was never a fan of sports-entertainment, came rushing out to the porch yelling for me to come inside.

So she told me a wrestler had died, and I was thinking to myself who could it have been? Surely there was a legend, whose years were most likely behind him, who had a short illness and passed on. Maybe even an afterthought on television shows like most jobbers. Tried to downplay this as much as I could.

Until I saw on the computer screen from WWE.com that said, “Eddie Guerrero 1967-2005”.

I broke down and cried.

Amongst the very first times I’ve teared up for something to do with wrestling, it had to do with a performer whose presence was more than welcome on my television screen.
As for my markdom of Eddie so to speak, it has to go all the way back to the first episode of RAW I ever watched back in 2002.

The Rock was making fun of Eddie Guerrero like only The Rock can. “Viva la viva Eddie Guerrero!” It was one of those epic rips I know for sure was a laugh riot then, still is now. It was one of things where surely now it would be a generic-character bad guy being in the Guerrero role, but Guerrero is Latino mothereffin’ Heat y’all, and therefore he looked as good as the competition!

His singular biggest impact on me though would come a few months after that spat with Rocky.

After a months-long feud with Edge, the two combatants were set to square off on SMACKDOWN in a feud-ending No Disqualification match. While the acting was pretty much straight-forward wrestling until the commercial break, the contest post-break was brawling and weapon chicanery to the max!

Edge and Eddie took equal abuse. Whether it’d be a sunset-flip powerbomb or a helo (sorry for my spelling) onto the ladder, both men had the grimaced look of grizzled warriors. The climatic finish saw Edge use his patented Edgecution on Eddie... FROM THE TOP OF A GOD DAMNED LADDER! That’s right, Eddie’s face met nothing but canvas and ate a three count for his troubles. Bloodied from a legitimate cut, Eddie would get a thunderous ovation for his hard work. A bad guy getting applause for his efforts? Another feather in Eddie's cap on his talents. 

For the next year, Eddie would not only turn face, but team up with beloved nephew Chavo on a hellacious run of “Los Guerreros”. The only thing more epic than their matches, and there was quite a few of them, was their vignettes based on the motto of “Lying, Cheating, and Stealing.” Baby bottles and dance parties were amongst the topics not spared for this “dastardly duo”, who seriously had some heel-like attitudes in a face situation. 

No Way Out 2004 though would see Eddie receive his biggest triumph: the WWE Championship. After Frog-Splashing Brock Lesnar (who was taken out by Goldberg), Eddie ran into the crowd where his legitimate family was sitting ringside. Later-shown backstage camera footage saw the locker room pay respect to the veteran, who certainly had a long road before getting the belt.

Long story short, the long road consisted of kicking drug and alcohol habits that should have destroyed him, but didn’t. Eddie turned his life around. He found his savior in Jesus Christ and renewed his vows to beloved wife Vickie. 

2004-2005 would see a character change as Eddie turned heel on friend Rey Mysterio. Bringing in “bastard children” and even Vickie as a rookie WWE on-screen character, the feud was silly, but had tons of great matches in them. Despite all of that, Eddie’s character remained red hot with the fans.

Along this time, Eddie was showing signs of another face turn when he and Batista, then-champion, were tagging and showing respect to one another. They were even going to be on the same team at the Survivor Series, taking on team RAW with Shawn Michaels as the captain.

Eddie’s last appearance on TV saw him beat Mr. Kennedy by DQ, but then get BLASTED in the head with a chair.

Cut back to that Sunday afternoon.

There was a Supershow going to be taped anyway for RAW and SMACKDOWN, but instead of pushing Survivor Series, it became a Eddie Guerrero Tribute. A move people expected, but was appreciated given the circumstances.

Four of the most emotional hours of television ensued. The lines of faces and heels were cast aside as men took each other on in friendly matchups, while others were nowhere near consolable on the matter. Like Dean Malenko and Chris Benoit for example, two long-time friends on the road. You know shit's going down when Rey Mysterio takes off his mask! Speaking of Mysterio, one of the sadder pieces of imagery was the opening to that RAW when they had everyone stand in silence for the bell toll, and fans/wrestlers alike where pretty much stone-cold in their appearance. Rey, having Shawn hold him, looked like a child mourning for his father, and became the most sympathetic person right then and there. Keep in mind Shawn kicked Rey’s head off in one of the best matches of the year, but the two hugged it out like brothers post-match.

Eddie’s autobiography is one of the saddest things ever read too, because of the realization that sets in after closing the final page. If you want to see what I’m talking about, you can order the book here. Literally, the book was released so close after Eddie’s death (very accidentally, that date was chosen for months), that the literary irony doesn’t enter a subconscious until you really think deep down.

For one of the most bizarre analogies ever written, Eddie Guerrero is like Dale Earnhardt. Like Dale’s death in that 2001 Daytona 500 spurred the evolution of safety, Eddie’s death spurred the evolution of health/drug testing. The Wellness Policy, instituted by WWE in early 2006, has not only tested superstar for illegal drug use, but also for medical conditions either pre-existing or not-known. For example, MVP had a heart condition not known about until a Wellness test, and as a result, he got a life-saving pacemaker.

Even ten years on, it hurts as much as it did now as it did then. Eddie is one of the most unique men in wrestling history. While short in stature, he was not short in every other conceivable nature. The skills, persona, charisma, you name it, were in a stratosphere hardly contained by a wrestling ring. In a era now where a ton of new wrestling talent seem to look and sound the same, Eddie was someone who can be looked at as an original.

I have no real ending for this, so with tears welling up yet again, “Thank You Eddie!” 

del.icio.us Tags: eddie guerrero,tribute,2005,raw,smackdown,wwe,wwf,wrestling,bad booking,blog,chris benoit,rey mysterio. wrestling,wrestlemania,no way out,youtube

BBB Reviews: Poodle Hat

Just like how Weird Al waits for the “next big thing”, it took me quite a while to get to this review right off of “Running with Scissors”.

As we left you, Al went to Albuquerque to have a strange adventure full of inadequacies and pathos. 11+ minutes and without the full lyrics in the CD liner, ‘Albuquerque’ was a sweepingly epic track to conclude what was a sweepingly epic album.

That was 1999.

Now we come to 2003 and Poodle Hat, an album which knows full well it has something to live up to.

Originally, I felt really mixed about the album. While I thought it started out strong, some of the songs in the middle were songs I didn’t particularly enjoy, like ‘Wanna B Ur Lovr” and “Ode to a Superhero”.

However, there’s a reason why I do these reviews subjectively. With a lot of these albums, it’s like I’m viewing them for the first time with what they were “supposed to be”, as in I finally researched what was their influence.

Speaking of influence, Al’s record over the last decade and a half of making albums has been based off of the “next big thing” as noted to earlier. For ‘Scissors’ it was parodying the first prequel Star Wars flick. As for the ‘Poodle’, it was a red-hot Eminem.

Without further ado, let’s jump into it. By the way, that was Al’s legitimate poodle on his head!

1. Couch Potato: Imagine instead of basing a plot of a movie, base the plot off your tube with the extreme amount of programming available.

“Lose Yourself”, the original by Eminem, was literally a plot interpretation of the hit movie “8 Mile”, which Marshall Mathers stars as pretty much himself.

“Couch Potato” is, at least in my translation, what if Alex from ‘A Clockwork Orange’ was forced to watch TV all day in substitution of trying to cure his violent tendencies.

Basic plot of the song is simple. “Look, if you had, one shot, to sit on your lazy butt, and watch all the TV you ever wanted. ‘Til your brain turned to mush. Would you go for it, or just let it slip?”

Right off the bat it’s a great parody because that first part immediately goes for the subject matter, as for the next four minutes, Al batters that first verse in. Until I did some research, I literally never thought of it that way before! That’s what the ‘Slim Shady’ did in the original as well!

No popular shows/channels of the time are spared of ridicule. Ranging from ‘Sopranos’ to ‘NASCAR’ to even ‘Will & Grace’, Al’s character sits in that chair and watches that stuff like a whore on the street corner. “Network execs with naked ambitions, next week on FOX watch ‘Lions Eat Christians’!” I’m surprised that show hasn’t been made yet. Or isn’t that Spartacus?

I’m also almost convinced that the last line uttered in the song, “...you can watch anything you want to man,” was originally going to be an end piece for the music video.

Which was sadly denied by Eminem himself.

With that action, “Poodle Hat” became the first and only Yankovic album to not have a music video promote it. Even with this devastating blow, Al has no ill will towards the man. It should also be noted that while the video was not given a go, using “Slim Shady” on the later polka track was. I guess sometimes things work out.

Of all the Al opening tracks, this one may very well be the most underrated one. That’s saying something, considering there have been some STRONG start-off tracks in the past. It’s a parody that aims for not only the subject material at hand, but also the parodies the structure of the original right down to the core. This author doesn’t know if that was the intention, but that’s just scribing. Two thumbs up here!

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Couch Potato lyrics

2. Hardware Store: To follow a successful romp of a parody, time to make a ruckus original!

Al’s character, quite simply, is in absolute adoration of a hardware store opening up close to home. Perhaps it could be a sign of Billy Joel’s “No Man Land” coming into fruition?

In any event, Al is a hobo of unshaven dirty mess. He’s been waiting since last June (the album was released in May 2003) to wait on line so he can be that “every 27th customer can get a ball peen hammer free!”

Stepping in the store, he finds people with name badges, stuff, and well, more stuff!

As you’ll see in the lyrics widget, there is a very impressive sequence where Al rattles off a rapid-fire list of items found in said store. It sounds like it has a relation to George Carlin’s later “Technology Man” sketch from “Life is Worth Losing”.

Since I listened to this album originally back in my old hometown, I related to this song a lot on the basis of a crop of new stores opening. Expansion if you will. That’s how the Billy Joel reference fits, because of “modernization”.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Hardware Store lyrics

3. Trash Day: The song who gave it’s life to this parody is “Hot in Herre” by Nelly.

And the two songs, unlike the lead-off, could not be any different.

While the original deals with how to be a “gangsta” so to speak, this parody deals with a person who should be on an episode of “Hoarders”.

To term it lightly, the house is a mess just short of condemning. Imagery like rotten food, rats running amok, and obnoxious odors permeate the lyrics.

That’s about it truly. All set to a hip hop theme that’s as clean as the song is dirty.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Trash Day lyrics

4. Party at the Leper Colony: While the lyrics are original, the styles are completely “tribute”.

For one, there’s a major dash of Bo Diddley in the equation. If you don’t know who he is, here’s a Wikipedia link (with sources at the bottom).

In addition, Bruce Springsteen rhythms are spoken of too. Most notably, there’s a hint of “She’s the One” from Born to Run as instrumentals in the opening.

Let’s add a third unspoken layer, shall we? “Magic Bus” from The Who feels like inspiration too, as I can recognize that sequence anywhere.

To the song, and wow is it awfully punny.

When you see the word ‘Leper’ in the song title, there will be automatic reference to limb losing. That is in here in spades. “Let’s give ‘em a hand...”. ARGH!

The main plot is around people “giving” their limbs at a party. No more, no less.

Not the best song, but one for a cruel laugh or two.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Party At The Leper Colony lyrics

5. Angry White Boy Polka: What is a “Weird Al” album without the traditional polka spiel? With that in mind, here’s the mug shot of the songs used:

• "Last Resort" by Papa Roach
• "Chop Suey!" by System of a Down
• "Get Free" by The Vines
• "Hate to Say I Told You So" by The Hives
• "Fell in Love with a Girl" by The White Stripes
• "Last Nite" by The Strokes
• "Down with the Sickness" by Disturbed
• "Renegades of Funk" by Rage Against the Machine, originally by Afrika Bambaataa
• "My Way" by Limp Bizkit
• "Outside" by Staind
• "Bawitdaba" by Kid Rock
• "Youth of the Nation" by P.O.D.
• "The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem
• "Poodle Hat Polka" by "Weird Al" Yankovic

This one stands near the top of all polkas ever done. Not only does it follow a theme of angry white boys down to a ‘T’, but someone made a flash video years ago that gave this song a fresh breath of air.

As a whole, a highly recommended polka. Sounds dark and grungy in some places, but it reflects the source material accurately.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Angry White Boy Polka lyrics

6. Wanna B Ur Lovr: I remember not liking this song much on my first listen-through, and I realize why.

This song just DRAGS!

At a six minutes and fifteen seconds (6:15), this is the second longest track on the album. A track that could have conveyed its message in about 60% of the time.

A style parody of Beck, the song is mostly about a geek who tries to pick up women with some of the worst pick-up lines imaginable.

While I don’t mind “cringe-worthy” lyrics, I do mind if they’re just stretching out time for the sake of it. “I’m a Groovy Guy” from the first album is a better execution on the same basic principle. If anything, I was happy this song ended and even happier when the next one started.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Wanna B Ur Lovr lyrics

7. A Complicated Song: Ahh, this is more like it!

A parody of Avril Lavigne’s “Complicated”, this is the traditional torture song that appears on every Al album!

Avril’s song had a very much centered narrative for her piece, while Al’s has seven variations of the same thing. Every one of them, torture to experience, and torture to describe.

Firstly, we got a delicious problem. The host of the party Al goes to orders NINETEEN extra-large pizzas. No one shows up, so Al swallows his pride and takes all of them home to eat. Here, Al is ‘constipated’ and needs his bowels ‘evacuated’. That’s gross.

Next up is a problem inadvertently incestuous. Al dates a girl and they fall madly in love. Nothing appears to be wrong until Al finds a tattoo on her thigh that is suspiciously like his. Turns out both are cousins, and thus they are ‘related’. He thinks they should go to Alabama where this sort of thing is ‘tolerated’. 

Concluding our problems is a gory one. Al tries out a roller coaster, and well, he doesn’t read the instructions. STANDING UP ON THE RIDE, he gets “decapitated”. It’s such a drag, because he can’t yodel or read “Sports Illustrated”. In extension, he wonders why did he get all “mutilated”. While his neck is in joy in a pleasant breeze, he hasn’t been the same since he was “separated” from his head.

I love this track primarily because it’s Al doing one of the things he does best: disgusting torture songs, but this one had a “-ed” theme.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - A Complicated Song lyrics

8. Why Does This Always Happen to Me?: Ben ‘folds’ into the style parody of his work by contributing piano! With some of the stuff I’m about to describe, I’d imagine there were TONS of takes being done!

As mentioned, it’s a original in lyrics, but a style parody in heart. The main narrative of the track is about a guy whose life is “disturbed” by “minor inconveniences”.

Firstly, there’s an earthquake in Peru. Devastating at an 8.2, some thirty thousand people were crushed to death while more were buried alive. So what was the problem? Apparently ‘The Simpsons’ was being recorded, and the station cut in for coverage. That’ll piss people off!

Next up is a major wreck on a highway. 12 cars involved, and everyone in the automobiles were killed. Blood, gore, guts, et al. So what pisses Al off? Two things. First, one of his co-workers owes his five bucks, and because he died in the wreck, he’ll never get it back. Secondly, Al will be late to work. Oh well, better call the boss! Hey, this blogger had to do that two months ago post-Irene!

Last up is a horrible boss. Al’s at work, and apparently, the printer has run out of toner. Time to get a new case, but Al’s got work to do! The boss keeps egging him on about it, so Al decides to stab the guy. Big problem here? It’s not that we was goaded into doing a store run, but that the knife is ruined! Never be as sharp as it was, or as cut-worthy. Poor Al, can’t catch a break, can he?

I forgot how funny this track was. While not the out-right torture track because most of the events happen out of the character’s perspective, it is still unpleasant and disturbing to listen to. That’s just fine with me!

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Why Does This Always Happen To Me lyrics

9. Ode to a Superhero: The original song that provided the parody is a timeless classic. “Piano Man” by Billy Joel (the album now re-released in a new ‘Legacy Edition’), is about good ol’ William’s life experiences before in the grungy and seedy bars he frequents in performance.

This parody is to Piano Man what American Pie was to Star Wars: a summary of the plot in song form.

What made this one feel so bland however?

To me, I thought the “sling us a web, you’re the Spiderman” bit was clever, but very little else. Maybe it’s just me and I hold the original to very high esteem, but this just didn’t fit. Maybe the lack of a music video hurt it, as the Star Wars parody was helped tremendously by one. As both a Weird Al and Billy Joel fan, this one just didn’t work out right, and for one of Joel’s signature songs, it’s a shame.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Ode To A Superhero lyrics

10. Bob: An original song, but the style is prevalent from the very first second.

A disguised tribute to Bob Dylan and his song-writing abilities, the whole track is done in palindromes. There’s no real narrative to speak of, but the track is humorous in its sound and lyrics, so that’s always a plus.

While the album had no music video to promote with, there was a music video from this song made for the AL-TV special and later the music video DVD. This marks the only music video made for the album, and the only album to have one video at all.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Bob lyrics

11. eBay: A parody of Backstreet Boys’ “I Want it That Way”, the song revolves around Al buying a whole bunch of obscure stuff on the famous seller-driven site.

Outside of “It’s All About the Pentiums”, there hasn’t been a lot of Al’s repertoire covered in technology. Especially one where HTTP is involved.

It’s a treat listening to this, because as much as I was annoyed by the original, this one mocked it and more. Some of the items are dreamy (snow-globe, Dukes of Hazzard ash tray), while a Beanie Baby from Norway seems a little weird.

For a penultimate track, good work by Al.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Ebay lyrics

12. Genius in France: Before typing those words, I took a big breath.

I have REALLY mixed feelings about this song.

One day I’ll love it and the other I’ll loathe it like the bottom of the barrel.

It’s a Frank Zappa cover with Frank’s son Dweezil playing that opening guitar solo that should have been a separate track.

Because this album was released in 2003, I think this song may have been done in political protest. If you may recall from this period, France decided to pull out of Iraq claiming it didn’t support the war on terror... when originally the country said they’d be large and In charge.

So Al in the meantime, pretty much mocks the French for about nine minutes.

The main narrative feels simple: Al, as dumb as a bag of rocks (and all comparatives of the saying), travels to France, and pretty much dominates the country.

Like ‘Lovr’, this song wouldn’t be so opinion-invoking if it was like half the length.

Most of the song dragged worse than a WWE match with two men weighing 500 pounds apiece!

I’m not kidding, there’s a whole minute where nothing but sound effects and non-sensical blabber take over. I wish I was making this up! The next album “Straight Outta Lynwood” successfully mocks a country (Canada), but embraces the culture too.

I’m wrapping this one up quick: Either you’ll love it or hate it, but whatever the opinion is, it’ll probably decide your love of the overall album.

Lyrics | Weird Al Yankovic lyrics - Genius In France lyrics

 

IN CONCLUSION:  This album is sadly still amongst the bottom of the Al album talent pool, but even then, it’s still better than most artists’ best work.

It seems like 3/4 of the album is classic Al, but that rotten 1/4 is unique enough to drag it to hell. I can’t remember a song as offensive as ‘Genius’, as annoying as ‘Lovr’, and as dragging as both of them! ‘Leper’ wasn’t great shakes either.

The other songs though are at least good to excellent. As an album though, its inconsistent, and the good songs aren’t collectively strong enough to bring this album out of the gutter. Indeed, a few sour apples spoil the bunch.

del.icio.us Tags: weird al yankovic,2003,poodle hat,eminem,nelly,bo diddley,bruce springsteen,billy joel,avril lavigne,bbb,blog,bad booking. france,ebay,running with scissors,straight outta lynood,leper,polka,album

 

 

A General Announcement Post

 

(Forza 3 picture if anyone was wondering)

I figured I’d try something new with the blog, and that’s pretty much make here-and-there announcements concerning future blog posts and other topics that may be covered.

First off, let me state that there are two “sections” I have awfully neglected in the last four months or so. Those two are the Weird Al Album Review Archive and The 30 Days of WWE Challenge Page. Ever since I became gainfully employed again back in July, I haven’t had the time to focus on those pages, and instead focused on what got me the most views on this here blog: wrestling lists/reviews.

As for Weird Al, I do plan on going ahead with Poodle Hat and hopefully get a post up Friday some time. As one of his lesser albums in my mind, it should be interesting to see if the opinion on it changes. I still believe “Genius in France” is by far the most overwrought song Al has ever done.

As for the ‘30 Days’, that one will be a little tougher. I am contemplating putting multiple days together and do that once a week until it is completed. I still have the original MS Notepad file with the days/selections, so it’s not like it’ll be off the top of my head.

Speaking off the top of my head, I plan on doing a special Thanksgiving post slated for one week from this coming Friday. It won’t revolve around wrestling, or NASCAR (even though the 10-year anniversary of ‘that’ New Hampshire race is coming), or even cartoons.

Instead, it will involve a special originally aired on Food Network in 1999 and has sought regular holiday rotation on cooking channels since. It’s far from the traditional “throw things in a pan and cook” style that most shows envelop, and actually holds up quite well despite the fact it is over 10 years old. Although the show it’s based off of is now officially retired (BOO!), the influence the program brought to my family will never go away.

Before wrapping this up, allow me to shill some DVD’s up for pre-order that look quite tempting. Apparently from places I go to, I can really do a sell job, so let’s see what I can do here. Remember that any product purchased through the links helps this blog, so anything done is greatly appreciated.

For the wrestling fan, there is the new Stone Cold DVD set, which has multiple discs of matches in addition to a BRAND NEW DOCUMENTARY that chronicles the life of the Rattlesnake. Not only is there a new documentary, but there are rarely-seen promos finally seeing the light of day! Lastly, Austin and Jim Ross do alternate commentary for the historic battles at Wrestlemania 13, XIV, and X-Seven!! That alone could be worth the price of admission. Hitting the street just after Thanksgiving (November 29th), this disc set looks to be HOT for the holidays! Here’s the link for the pre-order.

Just before that, a major Blu-ray release for the lover in classic animation. There is a new Looney Tunes release coming entitled the Platinum Collection. Three discs in total, it features well-known cartoons getting high-definition transfers (off of STUNNING restorations used mostly for the Golden Collections of yore), and has a whole disc of special features. While it may look like a bunch of repeats to most (save for a few new cartoons), the high-definition transfers and the “collector’s edition” (which includes certificate of authenticity, drinking glass, replica cels, etc.) looks worth it to me. This disc set, which comes in a digi-book format, hits the market on November 15th. Here’s the link for that bad-boy.

One more consideration, this time for an actual theatrical movie that’s RECENT. The smash sequel to a very much smash original, The Hangover Part II presents the theory of, “what’s not broke doesn’t need fixing.” In a nutshell, put in the crazy plot of the original, replace Doug’s wedding for Stu’s wedding, and put in exotic Thailand instead of gambling Las Vegas. While critics complained the movie felt a little too familiar, there was certainly nothing wrong with kicking back and laughing at stuff you feel bad laughing at. In a sense, I thought that while it wasn’t perfect per se, it was still an enjoyable romp that brings on the laughs and horrible Billy Joel parodies. If you’re interested in checking this out, click here. Or hell, if you don’t own the original that’s nearly a modern-day classic, do yourself a favor and get a copy here.

And that’s enough of that! See ya’ll back here on Friday for a new entry!

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Kyle Busch, Puerile NASCAR Driver, Parked for Weekend!

For a rare NASCAR article, this one is a biggie.

Last night in the Camping World Truck Series race at Texas Motor Speedway, “the line was crossed”, so to speak.

Kyle Busch in his own #18 Toyota was racing Ron Hornaday in the #33 Chevy that was running for the championship in the series. Both of them made it three wide in turn two after coming up on the lapped truck of Johnny Chapman, who quite frankly is to this race what Charlie Kimball is to the Indianapolis 500. If you want to see where my analogy comes from, please read this entry.

Or watch this. Doesn’t matter.

With how this three-wide deal, even for a split second, affects the aerodynamics on the trucks, it seems that one of those trucks was bound to get hairy.

And it was Hornaday’s.

Ron, who is a former four-time champ of the series, got loose (or the rear tires slipped out from under him) in the center of the turn, ran up into Kyle, and they both tagged the wall.

Caution is out by the time both damaged trucks hit the backstretch.

Busch, obviously and understandably displeased, runs up the tailgate of Hornaday’s truck, and sends him head-on into the wall in turn three. Busch wrecked his own truck in the process.

And away we go!

This is where the proverbial shit hits the fan.

Kyle, who has had history of immature on-track behavior, was parked for the rest of the night.

In a move not seen since 2005 for the higher-up division, NASCAR has parked Busch for the rest of the weekend. That means Kyle won’t be in the Nationwide race, or in the Sprint Cup race, where he is amongst the twelve men running for the title in “The Chase”.

While I’m not surprised, I am really disappointed in the man also known as “Shrub”.

The younger Busch brother (whose older brother Kurt is a former Sprint Cup champion), has had one of those seasons where when it looked like he was going to be a role model, he achieves something so stupid it really brings home the moniker, “one step forward, two steps backward.”

Let’s all go back to the Showtime Southern 500 Sprint Cup race from Darlington in South Carolina.

Kyle, who had been racing with Kevin Harvick in the #29 quite hard, sent Harvick careening into not only Kevin’s teammate Clint Bowyer (who wrecked), but also got spun from the right rear fender as well. That usually means WAR!

Post-race, Kevin got out of his car (engine shut off) to show his displeasure to Busch. Kyle wants none of it, and punts Harvick’s car right into the pit road wall, with no one at the wall and no engine on. The actions of both men would slap them with four-race probation periods.

To figure, Regan Smith’s win was totally ignored.

Now let’s all go back to Texas.

Hornaday’s truck is owned by KHI, or Kevin Harvick Incorporated. Delana, who is Kevin’s wife, is the written owner of the truck. The team was going for the truck title, but now is officially out of the hunt following the on-track skirmish.

While the inadvertent ironies are enough for this angle, I will say this: Kyle better step up, or step aside. A man boy with too much talent should be focusing on the big picture, not on wrecking people he doesn’t race with on a regular basis. It also wouldn’t hurt sometimes to check your ego at the door when it’s time to eat humble pie.

Oh, did I tell you the last man NASCAR parked for the weekend in Cup was Kyle’s older brother Kurt for “blowing too much”? When I mean that, I mean DWI kids.

del.icio.us Tags: nascar,bad booking,blogs,kyle busch,ron hornaday,kevin harvick,texas,camping world truck series,nationwide series,spint cup series,suspension,indianapolis 500,toyota,chevy,darlington

Bad Booking’s Top 20 WWE DVDs PART THREE!

(Although it’s not on the list, it is still a worthy purchase. You can buy it here.)

As owners of the biggest wrestling library in the world, WWE utilizes their staggering amount of material to bring this entertainment to the homes of the fans.

Since my 14th birthday in 2003, I have collected a vast amount of WWE discs. Of course these range from pay-per-views to documentaries to straight-up match compilations. Not just WWE, but tons of DVD’s in general.

Now it’s time to see what is the best of the best.

As you may recall from part two of this countdown, it should have been a straight 10-1.

However the amount of detail I surmised out of most of those entries took me a week to compile and edit, therefore I knew I wanted to make the top three really special.

So here we are. Three to go, but it won’t be a “nugget” read. Rest assured, these three will undergo strenuous re-watches (mostly on the special features to get caught up), and are DVD’s that must be in every wrestling fan’s house(s).

Without further ado, let’s jump straight into #3...

3. The Rise and Fall of ECW

Year Released: 2004

# of Discs: 2

Run Time: 360 Minutes

MSRP: $29.95

Favorite Bonus Feature: The easter egg of Chris Jericho doing a Ron Simmons impression. I am dead serious.

The best DVD’s in any company are created by people who have a direct passion for their product, and are able to successfully translate it to an entertaining product worthy of several re-watches. It could also serve as a capsule of important historical events that could not be available otherwise.

Although WWE Home Video is the creator of the disc, that is pretty much the only aspect it had to do with it.

When it comes to “what to say” “what matches/promos to select”, etc., it was all Paul Heyman, the mastermind of the original ECW.

This is by far the longest documentary on the count-down (more on that in a jiffy), but it is also the only DVD on the countdown to earn a TV-MA rating for really bad language. I mean sure there is some bloody matches on TV-14 material, but I’m serious when there are normally bleep-able swears on nearly every chapter of this documentary.

Looking at the insert, I counted FIFTY FOUR CHAPTERS for the documentary. Keep in mind they’re mostly 2-3 minute snippets, but DAMN! It was a whole page, whereas most documentaries only have like half a page for chapters. The next page would be all the extras (not including easter eggs of course), and it rounds out with a nice little collage of “extreme” imagery.

Speaking of the TV-MA rating, the last screen that pops up before the main menu has one of those warnings that since the program has indecent content, it is not suitable for children. I believe only “Bloodsport : ECW's Most Violent Matches” would have this disclaimer in addition, and that one was definitely worthwhile.

“Rise” starts out with the fledgling “Eastern Championship Wrestling” suddenly becoming the most violent promotion in the NWA (when it still had name power). After a over-throw of power and distancing itself from the parent organization (thanks to big part of a Shane Douglas promo that tells everyone to kiss his ass), ‘Eastern’ became ‘Extreme’.

With this “Extreme” revolution, new stars had to come to the forefront. Paul Heyman was smart enough to snap up guys that WWE and WCW would normally never give a second glance to. Names like Taz, Public Enemy (Johnny Grunge and Rocco Rock), Sabu, amongst others. Violent yet creative matches gave ECW some name recognition, but still the promotion was small and limited to where it ran (mainly the “bingo hall” in Philadelphia).

In the 1994-1995 time period, the company would rapidly expand. Simultaneously travelling up the East Coast while signing bigger names like Cactus Jack made a splash, newer-found talent like Sandman and Tommy Dreamer left very noticeable impressions on the fans.

The Sandman/Dreamer feud was especially chaotic, seeing as Dreamer hit the beer guzzler in the eye with a Singapore Cane. Sandman, who had followed his character to such a degree never left his house, returned to give Dreamer what was coming to him. Dreamer was a bad guy at the time, but getting his ass kicked regularly coupled with a hot Raven feud, would turn Dreamer face pretty much permanently.

Another way ECW made itself different from the “competition” was its vast use of technical/luchadore wrestlers. Not only did ECW have the blood and guts, but could back it up with straight-up wrestling that made fans cheer as hard, if not harder, than the usual fare. Sadly though, WCW would sign a lot of these guys (like Chris Benoit, Rey Mysterio, Eddie Guerrero, etc.) to lucrative contracts, and Paul would drag the company to court over “stealing talent”.

Eric Bischoff defends himself on the DVD, and in a sense, I agree with him. Scouts scoured for the men, they signed them to fruitful contracts, and made a living. Keep in in mind A LOT of ECW talent worked on either hand-shake agreements or verbal contracts, which could amount to “any-time” releases. Paul called Eric’s situation handling “a bunch of shit”, but at the end of the day, Eric did what he had to do in order to keep WCW hot in the Monday Night War.

ECW, though it was somewhat reeling in the wake of lost men, didn’t lose much momentum at all. While men like Tazz were sidelined from wrestling due to injury (broken freakin’ neck), other newly-discovered talents started to hone their future crafts. Like Steve Austin!

Austin, who had been in WCW, was buried, jobbed, injured, and released in that order. Apparently Hogan wasn’t “his buddy”. So Austin, while sitting on the couch in Texas, was invited by Heyman to go to ECW and talk his problems out on television. Some of the segments that followed, like “Steve-a-Mania” and “Monday Night Nyquil”, were some of the most infamous pieces of business cut in the organization. Austin would leave the company in very early 1996, but the point here was that the character that would evolve into 3:16, made his birth in ECW like Hogan’s character did in AWA before going to WWE.

Amidst controversial storylines (like Sandman’s family going with Raven, and even the Blue World Order comedy sketches), ECW was running like a train without a track. A train that very nearly got derailed in 1996 for two reasons.

Reason number one would be a certain crucifixion angle. The aforementioned Raven/Sandman angle got so hot that apparently Raven and his cronies tied up Sandman on a cross. Even Stevie Richards noticed that this was f***ed up. Another man who thought this was screwed up was Kurt Angle, who had made an appearance in Philly that night after winning in the Olympics. Kurt told Paul that if his face was associated with that program, Paul would be hearing from his lawyer. In addition, the fans were offended, and Raven made the standard “politician’s apology” out of character after the show.

Reason number two would be that their inaugural pay-per-view was nearly lost on a massive accident. In a live event in November of 1996, a scheduled talent wasn’t able to make the show. In his place was a young kid who falsified his information, and had a bus driver gimmick ala Ralph Kramden from ‘The Honeymooners’. Now let’s introduce another man into the mix by the name of New Jack. This guy is a legitimately dangerous motherf***er who was a bounty hunter with kills to his name. During this tag match, New Jack is thinking of how to bust this kid open since a toaster and a chair couldn’t do it. Jack busted the young kid up so bad that the ring quickly became a large red dot. This scared PPV providers so bad they didn’t want ECW to be aired at all! So fans wrote and called and pleaded for the promotion to get their show.

Fortunately, it worked. In March of 1997, ECW was finally able to broadcast “Barely Legal” live over the airwaves. Matches included Lance Storm vs. Rob Van Dam (sub. for Chris Candido), an international six-man tag, Sabu vs. Tazz in a grudge match, and a #1 contender’s match with Sandman/Stevie Richards/Terry Funk in a three way dance. Terry, who was almost 53 at the time, won the thrilling match, but only to see ECW Champion Raven come down to start the main event title match. Bloodied, battered, and hurt, Terry would summon all guts and courage to roll up the evil bird to win the big one! It was a highly emotional moment for everyone in ECW as they thought they couldn’t do it, but they did. In an amusing aside, the building couldn’t hold the power generated for the PPV broadcast, so about ten seconds after the sign-off for the show was done, the building went BLACK! Thankfully, ECW didn’t emulate WWE’s “Beware of Dog” debacle from the year before.

Vince defeated the government, God, but not Mother Nature!

ECW would experience another shaky moment after Raven signed a contract with WCW. The only thing this would do for the promotion is that Tommy Dreamer, who had been the perennial nemesis for Raven, finally got his win against the evildoer. Raven then leaves, and Jerry Lawler “enters”.

Lawler has been a commentator for WWE while wrestling pseudo part-time. When McMahon lent out his hand to cross-promote the small-time company, Lawler went on a in-character tirade over how ECW should be begging and pleading for their lives with WWE giving up precious on-time screen to promote them. This led to some heat-filled moments in ECW land. One of them led to Lawler caning Tommy Dreamer in the testicles so hard that Dreamer went to the hospital and had TWO CC’s of fluid drawn out of his balls. Yep, you read that right. Lawler wouldn’t be in the promotion long.

A particularly interesting chapter revolved around Tod Gordon’s departure from the company. From what was understood, it was as if Tod could have been a “mole” for ECW, i.e: scouting talent for the big leagues. Paul accepted the letter of resignation with sorrow, and in my mind, started the downfall of ECW.

Paul Heyman was such a genius when it came to booking his material that WCW and WWE eventually started to “steal” the hardcore gimmicks. An AWESOME video package highlighted this, topped with Foley being thrown off the Cell and Triple H giving a Pedigree to Cactus Jack on thumbtacks.

While that is the case, Heyman was not in the know on the term “don’t write checks you can’t cash”. On the tail-end of the promotion, many wrestlers weren’t paid at all, and were basically starving trying to “make it”. This makes Bubba Ray Dudley’s comment on ECW somehow almost being #2 in 1998 really ridiculous.

ECW also failed in one other area: proper TV promotion. Sure there was the contract for TNN, but that network was sabotaging the company before the air episode aired. To their “standards”, this promotion was “extremely crappy” (my words not theirs). The cameras were subpar, there was too much “hate”, and to top it off, the WHOLE CARD of the first episode was scrapped because the network didn’t like their material. So a Rob Van Dam/Jerry Lynn match from an earlier event pretty much filled up that hour, which left either a bad impression or a good impression on the fan watching at home.

 

ECW would make their ‘Cyrus’ character a knock at the network, which sadly became one of the more over characters by the end.

The end of the promotion was inevitable, but sad nonetheless. Paul Heyman wasn’t even present for the last event “Guilty as Charged” in 2001 as he was trying to “secure another television contract”. If anything, Rob Van Dam was present to do the last match on the card despite being owned a shit-ton of money.

Dawn Marie said it best, “You have to appreciate what you have today because it may not be here tomorrow.” For as slutty as her TV characters are, that woman said probably the most truthful quote out of almost all DVD’s made.

So while some things were skimmed over (like the departures of Tazz/Dudley Boyz plus Mike Awesome defecting to WCW as champion), the main “story” if you will was outlined. In a nutshell, it was three hours of a promotion’s tale told by people who lived it and compiled by people who cared.

There were no special features on disc one, so all of them were relegated to disc two. In told, there were seven matches, a few interview spots, and a few easter eggs (like Y2J’s impression of Ron Simmons).

I know not everyone can find EE’s, so here’s a freebie. Enjoy!

 

The matches weren’t exactly the greatest you’ve ever seen out of the promotion, but for extras they’re decent. For example, the Dog Collar match between The Pitbulls and Stevie Richards/Raven is a brutal contest that showed the heart of all four men. RVD/Lynn from Hardcore Heaven 1999 is an exemplary match of their rivalry, complete with RVD showing (I believe in a easter egg) how he got a scar on his face from the bout. Of all bumps on this disc, by far the most memorable one was when Bam Bam Bigelow drove Tazz through the mat at Living Dangerously 1998. Another easter egg showed the Public Enemy training Mikey Whipwreck for his Ladder Match with Sandman.

This is going to sound crazy, but if WWE released a one-disc only version, it would probably sell like hotcakes. While the extras feel absolutely secondary, the main course is more legendary than something Neil Patrick Harris conjures up. It’s a three hour emotional tour de force of a promotion that was given care, and the evidence shows. Essentially, you’re not a wrestling fan if you don’t have this.

2. The Shawn Michaels Story - Heartbreak & Triumph

 

Year Released: 2007

# of Discs: 3

Run Time: 540 Minutes

MSRP: $34.95

Favorite Bonus Feature: Of the non-match features, most likely the Brown Pants story of how Shawn Michaels had botched pants going into Survivor Series 2002. For the matches, my heart tells me to go with the match from Vengeance 2005, but my head tells me to go with the Triple H match from 2003. Whatever you choose, you can’t lose!

Shawn Michaels, as you could probably tell, is my #1 biggest influence in wrestling. His demeanor and craft in the ring are absolutely un-paralleled, and in this life-time, there will be no one like him.

So with a set like this sure to rank #1, why the hell did he lose? Well, I wouldn’t call it losing, especially since it’s amongst the most re-watchable DVD’s I own.

When I did this overall review of the discs I have, I had to think of the total package. DVD’s like Wrestlemania X-Seven have an excellent main course, but little in the way of significant bonus material. Other discs like Bad Blood 2003 have an ATROCIOUS main attraction, but the extras are surprisingly grand.

For this collection, and the one that beat this out, they’re both similar. 3-disc sets. 2+ hour documentaries, lots of great matches, and deleted scenes of fun anecdotes that quite frankly should have been in the main show.

So again, why the hell did this lose?

Essentially one reason and it would be that the match selection is only on the “better than average” side. What I’m really saying is that the MULTIPLE compilations that Shawn Michaels has had actually was a dent against it, as a lot of really good matches seeped onto those. Keep in mind a lot of these matches on this collection are better on their worst days than most wrestlers on their BEST days. Unlike a certain ‘Hitman’ set that felt comprehensive on its lot, this one felt like taking a good match from all eras while not truly representing them all. Long story short: this feels like a great starting point, and all the other sets (like From the Vault and My Journey) are companion pieces to make a giant whole.

With this entry, I’m trying something a little bit different. I have retrieved the chapter list from Silvervision, and I will be doing a short summary on each to get the overall narration down. The main meat of this three-disc collection, a 2 hour+ documentary, focuses on Shawn’s life, from the highs (almost literally) to the lows (as in Rock Bottom, no Dwayne Johnson reference implied). As usual, extras will be somewhat bunched together in review, so here it is, the second best DVD on the countdown!

Growing Up: Covers essentially the first couple of decades of his life. Born to a military family (and therefore had no stable hometown for a while), Michael Sean Hickenbottom was an athletic young boy. Football star in the youth, he would eventually getting the wrestling bug by doing what most young fans do: watch the shows on TV then in the arena. Also practicing at school never hurts too, as Shawn on location at his old high school shows the dents the walls STILL have doing moves in the hallway!

Learning the Ropes: Via agreement with his father on keeping his grades “up”, the young Hickenbottom was able to enlist in a wrestling school run by super sock Jose Lothario. This would lead to the young boy’s first match which caught many a wrestler/promoter by surprise. When WWE does the “Don’t Try This at Home” promos, remember that Shawn is the exception not the rule. While he would be a jobber for a little bit, Shawn would become wiser in the ring, and in no time, was calling the matches himself! 

Midnight Rockers: After being partnered up with Marty Jannetty, Shawn would travel up to Minnesota to be part of the AWA promotion. As The Rockers, these two would regularly steal the show with innovative tag team wrestling and maneuvers. Before going to WWE in the next chapter, they would win the tag titles in a nearly year-long feud with Playboy Buddy Rose and Doug Summers.

Just a taste of what was to come.

Big Break and Downfall: NEW YORK NEW YORK! new york new york. They got the call to go up North to the WWE, and work their first show. Only they “broke a rule” on their first night. The anecdote goes how Marty and Shawn were sitting at a table next to Jimmy Jack Funk (aka the only faux Funk), and Jimmy dared them to break bottles over their heads. So they did, “caused property damage” in an exaggerated story, and were fired. After starting all over, it took about a year to return to the WWE.

Second Chance: Shawn and Marty made the most of their rebirth in WWE. Not only did they still steal the show, but with more experienced teams (like The Brainbusters, Arn Anderson and Tully Blanchard), became even better. Their lone tag title win/strip was covered here, and is also on the DVD as a disc two extra. Long story short, the match was trash and Vince couldn’t allow the team to win the esteemed titles on such a shoddy build. It would about another year in tag team purgatory before a major chance of pace was about to be endured. 

Heartbreak Kid: We all know the story. Shawn kicked Marty in the face, then threw him through the ‘Barbershop’ glass. Add in Sensational Sherri, Curt Hennig’s fast wit, and a brand new attire, it equals HBK. Some of single Shawn’s early triumphs are mentioned, like his first Intercontinental Championship win from British Bulldog at Saturday Night’s Main Event. 

Diesel: After the on-air break-up of Sherri and Shawn, it seemed like HBK needed a new bodyguard. While having a day off, Michaels watched some WCW and stumbled upon Vinnie Vegas. Thinking he’d be perfect for the new bodyguard, Shawn got some connections together to get the man behind the ego, Kevin Nash, to WWE. Nash would become not only an on-air ally, but an off-air one as well.

Suspension: Shawn had some really good matches with the IC Championship, but a failed drug test showed he may have used steroids. Shawn, outraged at the claims, never bothered to return the title belt. Vince McMahon was FURIOUS at the decision, but decided to make money with it instead.

The Ladder Match: This was when Vince was thinking of business instead of employee behavior. Wrestlemania X (1994), the Ladder Match. Revered and respected by everyone, it put Shawn on the map as “The Showstopper”.

Clique: Shawn had a small group of buddies whose political nature was either greater than one realized or was exaggerated way out of proportion. In addition to Diesel, Shawn would have Scott Hall (Razor Ramon), Sean Waltman (at the time 1-2-3 Kid), and then Triple H.

Friends Fight for the Title: Basically a synopsis of Wrestlemania XI

Not released on any DVD compilation besides the WM Anthology, so here ya go!

. 

Knocked Out: This was the time where Shawn was attacked by Marines in the latter half of 1995. What it led to was Michaels dropping the Intercontinental Championship (which he won from Jeff Jarrett as an extra match on disc three), and started a miraculous run towards the WWE Championship. It should also be noted that for a planned angle (of being knocked out), there was A LOT of legitimate outpouring to Shawn at the hospital where he was “staying”.

For the hell of it, here’s a rare extra!

 

Boyhood Dream: After winning the 1996 Royal Rumble, it was the Road to Wrestlemania. To put this into better perspective, go back to the “From the Vault” DVD and watch the match and special features.
Curtain Call: What you learned from the internet is all you need to know about the controversy. Mainly it covered the topic as something that was blasphemic, but also at the same time, something that was important to Shawn, Hunter, Kevin, and Scott.

A Champion’s Struggles: Shawn Michaels as champion on paper sounded really good. Unfortunately, it was definitely not a smash success. While he was putting on clinics in the ring, he was also putting clinics on primadonna behavior. Being WWE Champion in a nutshell was a nightmare, especially since WCW was on the upswing.

Hometown Hero: After losing the title at Survivor Series in 1996, Shawn went back to his hometown in San Antonio as #1 contender and home-town boy. Overcoming the flu with 60+ thousand fans, Shawn was able to regain the title at the Royal Rumble. 

“I Lost My Smile”: The promo is on the From the Vault DVD if you were wondering (in an Easter Egg). Long story short: it covered Shawn’s “injury” then forfeiture of WWE Championship. It would only be a few months before Shawn returned, and lit the world on fire again. The “return” on the DVD was explained via a still graphic.

Hell in a Cell: In simple terms, talks about the match with Undertaker from In Your House: Badd Blood.

De-Generation X: Mixing real-life backstage antics with on-screen character, Shawn rangled up buddy Triple H and H’s manager Chyna, added in Rick Rude as a “insurance policy”, and hell in the WWE was re-defined. The transition of “regular HBK” to “D-X HBK” was awesomely done in the editing to the video piece.

Montreal: Do yourself a favor. Buy the new Greatest Rivalries DVD, okay? It is by far the best explanation of the matter with both sides present.

Rock Bottom: This is a real bummer of a chapter that covers about four years of life. This is also the longest chapter on the DVD. So Shawn Michaels injured his back at the 1998 Royal Rumble, and while he was able to “do the honors” at Wrestlemania, his in-ring career as he knew it was done. Instead of living off the fruits of his labor, he went from pill-popper to completely dependent on drugs. This also includes the marriage to Whisper (Rebecca), and the birth of his son Cameron. One sad tale of cookies starts what would be the re-genesis of HBK.

Faith: A glorious beginning to the chapter showed HBK at his local church with light shining down on him. After agreeing to be re-born, the effects of this change are wonderfully dramatic. Kicking pills and booze out, Shawn became a re-focused family man with a new zeal of religion and life. This is seriously the complete extreme of the last chapter, and will bring a smile to your face.

Return: In Shawn’s autobiography, it was noted how this should have been a match with Vince McMahon in a one-off Street Fight at Summerslam (in 2002). Substitute Triple H, and the fact he could “still go”, and ladies and gentlemen: SHAWN MICHAELS IS BACK!
Fan vs. Idol: This touches on the Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho feud from latter 2002 to mid 2003. “It’s like Memorex,” was commented by Jerry Lawler (in archival footage) and Kerwin Silfes (in interview). A fantastic match all the way around.

Brother, Brother, Brother: This touches upon the Hulk Hogan feud from summer 2005. Apparently it was just a way to say how Shawn was professional while Hulk wasn’t, and once again, Hulk had things his way. 

No Holds Barred Against the Boss: The feud from later-2005 through much of 2006 is covered. Starting with references to the Screwjob, then elevating to the match at ‘Mania. If you’re going to beat up your boss, you better do it well!

DX- Reunion: At this point, Hunter and Shawn had a on-and-off rivalry that lasted four years. A simple kick to the face of a cheerleader turned that around into a long-standing on-screen friendship that resulted in the return of WWE’s most celebrated faction/duo. While Shawn was a little apprehensive about the material (due to being the family man/church man), it was still fun watching these two doing their schtick in the only way they know how. 

… Still the Main Event: Even in his forties, Shawn main-events Wrestlemania. This time against John Cena, the “Superman” WWE Champion. While Shawn lost (via submission), just the fact that he led the champ through a great match is vindication alone of a great career. At this point, people just rave about Shawn’s abilities and success, seeing as the high road is just getting higher.

The Best Ever?: The usual “ending” chapter, it summarizes the documentary/career of HBK. With WWE’s know-how of camera angles and video editing, Shawn’s stature beacons like a wrestling God-figure.

Disc one’s special features are mainly deleted scenes (like Shawn’s ill-fated Wrestling Academy),promos (like the Larry King spoof in the Hogan angle), and personal anecdotes filmed completely to the side of the main feature. Among these are the “Brown Pants” and the story of how Shawn had to cope using a 20 foot ladder against Vince McMahon at ‘Mania.

Discs two and three are matches only. Two has mainly tag team attractions fitting to his later 80s and early 90s career. Three has mainly matches featuring Shawn at his best, while having a fun little side-match with the reuniting of Marty Jannetty as the Rockers.

Speaking of them Rockers, that’s almost all disc two. The first match is a jobber squash as young Shawn takes on monster Billy Jack Haynes. The next five matches are all Rockers, and good ones to boot. All these are exclusive to the set to the best of my knowledge, save the Orient Express contest (which is also on the Royal Rumble Anthology). In particular, the Brainbusters match is AWESOME, seeing as two great teams with nicely-contrasted chemistries finally get to clash.  Also, the “ropes breaking” SNME match with the Hart Foundation is here. RETROACTIVE DRINKING GAME! The British Bulldog match from SNME is on here, just like part one of this collection and the Best of SNME. You better drink! Of course we have the 1995 Rumble to conclude the disc, which actually was pretty crappy seeing as it was mostly jobbers. Shawn’s “near-elimination” is neat though.

Disc three is all solo matches (save for the “reunion”). Starting off the with Jeff Jarrett IC title IYH encounter. Nice match, it’s fast-paced and shows both men working their asses off. Shawn gets his third IC title on/near his 30th birthday. King of the Ring 1996 sees Shawn defend the title against British Bulldog as a re-match from the ill-fated Beware of Dog match. To be honest, I thought the post-match angle was much more interesting than the match itself. At some 26 minutes, it felt pretty long at points. Next up is a HUGE gap to December 2003 where a newly-healed Triple H takes on Shawn in San Antonio. Cue the home-town screwjob! Shawn “pins” Hunter, but BOTH elbows are on the mat! After Shawn has a hissy “fit”, Eric “fires” him. Although their Wrestlemania 21 match is more well-known, the Vengeance rematch is no slouch. Against Kurt Angle, Shawn’s physical selling and pace really added to this equation. Unlike a submission loss in the last encounter, Shawn superkicks Kurt in MID-AIR to secure the duke. Finally, there’s the epic non-title re-match with John Cena in England on RAW. Because of “technical difficulties” (i.e: Randy Orton threw a lamp in a hotel room), John and Shawn were asked to do an hour. So they did. It was pretty fast-paced despite the fact Shawn’s in his forties and Cena hasn’t had a match this long before. Shawn gets the win with a Sweet Chin Music, and holds the title high in the air afterwards signaling a “I’m gonna get this” for Backlash the couple weeks after.

In summary, there is no real gentile way of wrapping up this DVD. It is full of climaxes, denouements, but more importantly, it’s a story about a man whose faith got rewarded into an improbable second career. The extras are a nice aside to one of the better documentaries in the WWE cannon, and it’s easily one to keep on the shelf.

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Speaking of the shelf, there is one more to put on the list. One more that speaks the embodiment of why DVDs are made. One more that has an all-around package so devastating in it’s punch, so versatile in its moveset, yet it is never assuming and never casts a shadow over its ego. A DVD that sounded impossible in the time it was created, that alone deserves #1. However, it’s the real deal that stands in a class by itself. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you NUMBER ONE!...

1. Bret "Hitman" Hart: The Best There Is, The Best There Was, The Best There Ever Will Be

 Year Released: 2005

# of Discs: 3

Run Time: 540 Minutes

MSRP: $34.95

Favorite Bonus Feature: This is a first on this countdown. I am going to make ALL of them winners. The stories. The matches. EVERYTHING. I looked at the list and I’m like, “Oh crap, I gotta choose?” I’m not going to choose.

 Even eight years later, Bret “Hitman” Hart still had a beef with Vince McMahon over the Montreal Screwjob. So that in one respect is incredible, but this is the culmination of what Vince said was “big” of Bret to do.

No seriously, the opening little ditty before the main program shows Vince McMahon acknowledging Hart for not only contribution, but being able to put aside professional/personal feelings in order to tell this tale. Some may call it silly, I call it giving due to where it’s due.

I should also note before the main menus are TERRIFIC. It’s a simple background with a video of Bret highlights interspersed to his music, but it’s all epic! That alone should tell you it’s “gonna be good”.

Now like the last entry, I’m going to break the summary of the documentary (which is some 5+ minutes longer than Shawn’s) into the chapters. There are sixteen chapters to the thing which means there is a lot of meat on the bones, so some of these may be wordy.

Early Years: It seems like a story we all know. Stu Hart emigrates from England to Ellis Island, moves to Canada, marries Helen, and has TWELVE children. Genetically, next-to-youngest boy Bret becomes a wrestler, one that is poised to take on the world. Bret credits two Japanese wrestlers to helping him train for the big time, and owes everything he has to them. The singular best anecdote of this chapter revolves around Bret going to Puerto Rico basically on a technicality (he is a “B. Hart”), and therefore learns the craft more.

Stampede Wrestling: From the beaches of Puerto Rico, Bret decides to make a go at going pro full time. While Bret understands he is Stu’s boy, he also understands he doesn’t want to piggy-back off his father’s success, and wants to relay what he learned into becoming his own entity. First feud covered seems to be the British Commonwealth Junior Heavyweight Championship with Dynamite Kid (Tom Billington). They had (or least that is what seems to be conveyed here) a great series of innovative matches, which Bret explains is due to both of them imagining spots in their heads. Yes kids, one of the images shows a suplex over the top rope leading to the ring bell, because in olden days, over the top rope maneuvers were banned pretty much everywhere! Next up is the International Tag Team Championship, with Bret tagging with brother Keith in this segment. Admittedly, Bret explains being tag champions as “mathematics”, that since there was no else to wave the flag, the was plugged in. Lots of archival footage for everyone to enjoy here! Next up is North American Heavyweight Championship, as Bret says he wanted to drop the tags and move up a weight class. Again, more archival footage of Bret whopping ass while getting his ass whipped! Receiving this title belt, while again it was “mathematics”, it was also attributed to the prior champion Leo Burke, who gave Bret a big rub in the process. After that match, the feud with David Schultz is featured. And following that is NICK BOCKWINKEL, perennial bad-guy champion.

In one of the first times ever, a feud with Bad News Allen resulted in a Ladder Match as #1 contender for the NAHWC. Next up is The Stomper, with a Lumberjack stipulation added into that one. After a bloody contest, where Bret was disadvantaged, the next encounter would be an even bloodier Chain affair. Stu Hart helps Bret while Stomper’s manager JR Foley (no, not the love child of Jim Ross and Mick Foley) runs amok. This leads to the predictable tag match, and little bit of warning: Stu at his age should never have taken his shirt off. Bret comments on how the most important thing as champion is to be the guy who deserves to be in the main event, that people believe you. The chapter concludes with Bret’s trips to Japan.  

Coming to WWE: As the story goes, WWE was into the global/territorial expansion phase at this point. Brett (as in that’s how his name was first spelled in the promotion) was a focal point, as well as the team that would become the British Bulldogs (Davey Boy Smith and Tom Billington). Early on, Bret was nothing more than a jobber with skills! A jobber that also didn’t have a great physique or can cut a promo worth a damn. Hell, they tried to make him a COWBOY! The less said the better. In a transition piece, Bret called George Scott (who pitched the idea), and told him that where he came from, he’d better be a REAL cowboy in order to impersonate one. As a counter-act...

Hart Foundation: ... Bret told George he wanted to tag with Neidhart. Only problem is that George told Bret he was “too soft” to be a heel (as in he wasn’t convincing). Bret was ready to quit until George told him the good news: he’s turning heel, and being partnered up with Neidhart. One of the reasons why Bret was so enamored with this change is that now he can call the shots as a heel, and throw his good guy opponents “bones” (or opportunities to look good). Finally, a ring general in the making. As a team, the Foundation (with Jimmy Hart as a manager) was one of the most well-rounded teams out there. Bret was the smaller and more well-rounded wrestler while Jim was the bulldozer that could crush and destroy on a moment’s notice. It would also be noted that Jim was be the primary promo man, while Bret’s strength would be the matches.

Their contests with the British Bulldogs were innovative not only in their moves, but also the fact that all four knew each other from the Stampede territory in Canada. Another strength was elevating their opponents’ games, whether as a heel with the Bulldogs or as a face with Demolition. Another awesome video package on the way! Showing their initial title win back in 1987, it proved that the Foundation was the best team in the ‘E. Originally a “throw-together” team, they evolved into something bigger. That’s why you never turn your back on a new team on the scene!

Intercontinental Champion: While Bret was never stagnant in his team with Neidhart, he knew that if he was going to be the best, he would need to branch out as a singles star. Bret was on the notion that while he was tagging, people who were “less” than him (I.e: Warrior) got breaks. Time to get “a piece of the pie” (yes, read that like The Jeffersons). Summerslam 1991, Intercontinental Championship against Curt Henning. Legend goes, and it is confirmed not directly, that Curt would only drop the belt to Bret. Only because though Curt had a bad back, definitely not “Perfect”. So Perfect, w/ “Coach” John Tolos in his corner, is set to take on Bret on what should have been Henning’s last match ever. Yes, this match is an extra. Even in the doc, just listen to that pop after Bret kicks out of the Perfect-plex! Bret does get a little emotional about the lengths Curt went to in order to make the next IC champ look good. Wrestlemania VIII is up next, with Roddy Piper as champ heading into it. Now to anyone who doesn’t know the story, here it is. Bret lost the IC title the night (or week, don’t remember which) before against The Mountie. Piper, who had been nothing more than a commentator at this point, returned to action to face Mountie, and win his first (and only) singles title in the WWE.

So Bret’s rematch came against Roddy. Bret, a bloodied mess (thanks in part to a slick blade job that looked like a real accident), won the title back. Bret convinced Vince McMahon to wrestle Davey Boy at Wembley Stadium (in England) at Summerslam with the IC Championship on the line, with Vince putting this match LAST. No problem (even if Davey wrestled the match high as a kite). Disc two extra here kids. It was unique bringing this angle to a head, because of the fact that Bulldog was married to Bret’s sister Diana, and that Bulldog’s career has been aided by Bret. While doing some risky spots (like a completely blown dive spot), Bulldog won the title, and Bret’s stock in the company rose meteorically. 

WWE Champion: After losing the IC belt, Bret decided to pursue the big gold belt of prestige. In a match at Saskatoon (in Canada), Bret took on Ric Flair for the title. Let’s not forget that Flair is legitimately injured at this point (he had that ear problem), and therefore had to lose the belt quickly. That’s not covered here, but I will do the honors. Bret does put Flair over on the match, saying he’s in great shape and a phenomenal performer. A weird injury occurred as Bret dislocated a finger after being shoved off a Sharpshooter attempt. It all worked out fine as Bret won via submission and now is a WWE Champion. In a very difficult time for the business, Bret sold his stock as a wrestling champion instead of a hulking behemoth (like, well, Hulk). Not only was Bret improving as champion, but had a growing fan base as well. Also in a drastic change of pace, Hart didn’t have his own dressing room, instead opting to change with the boys because he was always one of them. In a hard twist of fate, just when he thought he was the star, the “old star” came back to steal his prize away. After Yokozuna won the WWE Championship from Hart at Wrestlemania, Hulk Hogan challenged Yoko on the spot and won the belt! Although not directly linked to the title, the 1993 King of the Ring was pretty much a Bret Hart Tribute Show.

Over the course of the night, an 8-man elimination tournament showcased the best in the federation going at it. Hart defeated Razor Ramon first (in a rematch of the Royal Rumble title encounter), then Mr. Perfect (in a face vs. face rematch of Summerslam 1991), and finally bested Bam Bam Bigelow in the finals. It was a wonderful showcase for Bret as he had three different battles with three different guys, yet they were all good matches.  Although WWE tried to build up Lex Luger as the next big thing, the company knew it wasn’t going to work, and at Wrestlemania X, the belt was Hart’s again after beating Yokozuna in irony. Finishing up the chapter, Bret describes wrestling people of different sizes, shapes, and strengths. To quote Ric Flair, “To beat the man you gotta beat the man. WOO!” 

International Star: Fans love Bret Hart. It doesn’t matter if you’re in the United States, Canada, England, or even in the poorest parts of Africa. For example, Bret made a point about no matter how tired he was in Germany, he’d always come out to the lobby of the hotel and sign autographs for people to show he always cared about them. Jim Ross counts Bret’s titles down and then realizes he was the man! Vince also states that the skills/storytelling ability he had are only matched by Buddy Rogers from the 50s, and for those who don’t know who he is, that man is the first ever WWE Champion. Technical ability and his straight-laced attitude were two of the reasons why he was worldwide in his appeal.

Hart Family Feud: Although it’s not mentioned, it should be noted the on-screen jealousy Owen possessed for Bret started at the 1993 Survivor Series, when Owen of the five Hart brothers was the only one eliminated from the tag match. Now the real turn sprung at the Royal Rumble in the tag title match, when Owen jumped Bret post-match and kicked the leg out of his leg.

Owen was originally thinking about quitting the wrestling business altogether to become a fireman in his native Calgary. Thankfully, this angle with Bret was more than enough to convince him not to. The angle was so emotional, it brought upon real feelings and reactions from fans worldwide. This contest is indeed an extra on the DVD, so I will say this: the finish is an incredible rub on Owen, and will only get better as Summerslam rolled around the cage. Ironically, the storyline only made the brothers Hart closer. In a aside, Bret noted that most cage matches are bloody, yet the style they fought was unique and could truly be pulled off by very few people. In a very touching conclusion to the chapter, Bret noted how he guided Owen to the fall (aka Superplex off the top), and with how his life ended, he felt good knowing how professional they were.

Iron Man Match: While this story is told from Bret’s POV (like the hobbling 40 year old on ice versus Shawn beating up jobbers), the best way to view this angle is on the From the Vault DVD. And the Greatest Rivalries disc. It’s pretty much everything we knew before about how Bret, in his third title reign, was pretty much keeping the belt warm for Shawn Michaels for Wrestlemania XII. Bret does put over Shawn in this chapter, and the punishment they both endured. 

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Bret has his sabbatical from the end of Wrestlemania XII all the way to November. During that time he healed up and even did a “Lonesome Dove” show. However, he wasn’t completely absent from WWE. One superstar in particular made sure of this, and that was Stone Cold Steve Austin. Hart had watched Austin ever since he his WCW days, and pinpointed him as a man he could work a match with. Turn match into huge angle and we got $.  Stone Cold was getting a long and continuous rub ever since King of the Ring, but Bret’s know-how really put him over the top.

Pink font on black background? What a load of crap!

Survivor Series 1996 is an underrated classic. A half hour of sheer kick ass, capped off with a Wrestlemania VIII re-do finish of sleeper into pinfall predicament. With a story as hot and real as this, coupled with a screwball Royal Rumble and a controversial title cage match, how do you follow that? I QUIT AT WRESTLEMANIA! The match is an extra, so it’s definitely paramount. However, the biggest thing here is that it managed to swap the roles of both competitors, and make it believable. Bret went from beloved face to hated heel while Steve made the full turn to face after being cheered on as such for a while.   

USA vs. Canada: Bret turned from a good man to a bad man. However, it was a very layered bad man. Bret blamed his misfortunes on American fans, who have no rules and morals. In addition to being able to set his brother Owen and brother-in-law Davey Boy Smith straight, Bret was also able to give a re-birth to the Hart Foundation. Not just some rip-off of the original. No, if anything, it felt like the original but with more bad-ass people to supplement the message. Bret, Owen, Davey, with Jim and Brian Pillman in the wings, spreading hate about America and destroying whoever gets in their way.

Steve Austin and Shawn Michaels added more layers to the feud as two men who couldn’t stand each other yet were able to fight the good fight against these evil-doers. Let’s also add a worldly element to it, as Bret and his cronies were hated in America, but once they crossed that border to Canada, they were like the second coming. It was a fun time for fans, the wrestlers, but more importantly, made for great TV (which was sadly second fiddle to reran “new” episodes of WCW Monday Night Nitro).

Survivor Series 1997: I’m only going to say this one more time. Go buy the Greatest Rivalries DVD. If you want to go one step further, try Hitman Hart: Wrestling With Shadows - 10th Anniversary Collector's Edition .

WCW: Much about been talked about how the management in this organization was shoddy on their best day. However, no one truly realized how bad it was until it was too late. Bret Hart was one of those examples of how to completely screw up a hype appearance. Gee, make a fake screwjob at Starrcade just so Bret can “reverse” it? Ugh. Make it so the most over Bret can be is when wearing a steel plate under a jersey? Jesus jumping jacks, when could anyone get anything right? The main point expressed is that Bret REALLY regretted leaving WWE. It was as if Bret went from being the best marketed man in wrestling history to being a pile of shit in a wagon. The pile of shit in the wagon that is is that he wasn’t in “the know” with upper WCW management, and thus was promptly ignored.  Bret had a great match with Chris Benoit on Nitro, which is indeed a great extra although now soured by recent events.

The Death of Owen Hart: Appropriately enough, they start this chapter with the image of JR and King at the desk from Over the Edge 1999 when they announced how Owen was planned to do an aerial entrance, but a horrible accident happened, and that he died. While JR had the worst responsibility in the world to announce it, King’s face really told the scenario. Bret has always regretted not being in the WWE when Owen had the accident because Owen had been so good to him, he wished like he could protect his younger brother like an older brother should. In one of the tributes on the RAW after Owen’s passing, Jeff Jarrett’s was disturbing to watch, mainly because of the genuine pain expressed through his face and dialogue.

Bret’s WCW promo really struck some chords, as his chilling words will put anyone in tears. I know I mentioned the Benoit match before, but this was an anomaly in WCW history. A thirty minute TV match that thrilled the crowd, and felt fitting for a tribute match, if any such thing could exist. While this wasn’t talked about in the documentary, let me put one thing perfectly clear: this was an accident. A horrible, far-reaching, saddening, sickening, accident. The company that does the aerial harnesses for Sting’s WCW entrances were with WWE on this night. Owen had been really reluctant to do this stunt as the Blue Blazer, but his level of professionalism masked any insecurities he may have had. Essentially, he was a model employee who didn’t want to stir the shit. So practicing the entrance, one of the harnesses were released too early, and that sent Owen falling down to his death.  This is one of those sad reminders that professional wrestling is not ballet, and will never be so. Accidents happen, and unfortunately, workers may die from it. No matter what they do, I will always respect wrestlers for putting their bodies on the line for the sake of entertainment and sportsmanship. 

Problems in WCW: A continuation of the WCW chapter. It just drills home the fact he was badly misused. Sure Bret won the title, but at that point, it was like a big gold belt. A kick to the head at Starrcade 1999 from Goldberg gave Bret an injury so devastating, it started the rapid dissension of not only his career (which more concussion from Terry Funk matches would exasperate), but his health. 

Even Bret felt bad that of all people to end his career, it was kind-hearted Goldberg.

Living It Up: Bret suffered a stroke as a side effect of those concussions from 2000. This would give him a chance to reflect on his life, while trying to get his priorities. The final few minutes would wrap up Bret’s career in the usual nice comments from interviewees while having a great video package liven things up. With how well this particular movie did, I’m almost surprised WWE didn’t take “A King’s Speech” approach to how Bret had to re-learn to talk after a stroke, and had to learn to talk in time for his father’s funeral in 2003.

So disc one’s documentary is a long, thorough, and very documented account of Bret’s career, as told through a WWE lens. For a WWE documentary, I liked how it wasn’t re-written for revision purposes, and also like how Bret was able to start making/taking amends for past injustices in order to get the fans what they want.

That being said, let’s dive into the biggest dessert buffet this side of 8.5 gigabytes of dual layered goodness eh? It’s special feature time!

Disc one is full of bonus stories, and a couple of matches to boot. First off is a whole bunch of anecdotes, ranging from Owen Hart prank-calling Stu (which gets funnier every time I hear it) to how Bret and Jim got along like brothers in the Foundation. There is also a Dean Hart Tribute (Dean was the brother who passed due to kidney disease), and also a tribute for all of Bret’s colleagues who passed on by the time the disc collection was released. Add in two stellar matches with the Foundation vs. Killer Bees then the Bulldogs, and awesomeness just reeks out of this disc.

And to think more great material is on disc two. Nine matches. and all of them kick ass. Starting off with the Wembley match at Summerslam 1992, and the legend surrounding it from the DVD. Next up is a rarity, a match with Bam Bam Bigelow in 1993, in Spain, with Spanish commentary! That’s right, no English to be had! I know Bret hand-picked the matches, but damn, he needed to do commentary with JR! Both classic PPV encounters with Mr. Perfect (King of the Ring 1993 and Summerslam 1991) are here, and are glorious! Owen Hart makes his presence known with his win over the bigger brother at Wrestlemania X, still the best opener in Wrestlemania, hell, PPV history! Two house show matches with Ricky Steamboat in 1986 and Ted DiBiase in 1989 are up, and Bret in rare singles form works well against both! There’s a SNME match with The Rockers from April of 1990, which resulted in a double-DQ after Demolition ran in and squashed ‘em all like peas! Finally there’s the tag title match with the Nasty Boys from Wrestlemania VII, which truth be told, is a good match considering one team Sags and moves like Knobbs. Yeah, a horrible pun, but whatcha gonna do. I should add the commentary on the Steamboat match is beyond hilarious, and that alone is a ***** classic!

Disc three is the icing on the cake, and to think disc two is cake and ice cream! First up is a house show match for the WWE title in 1994 against Owen Hart in White Plains NY, which in seriousness is a short drive from where I live. A great match with Hakushi from In Your House in 1995 is next, which shouldn’t be a surprise, but considering Hakushi didn’t stay long, it’s a nice match to have. The Survivor Series 1995 title match is in the following, which I have covered before in a prior blog. Read on further, and guess what, Wrestlemania 13 shows up as well! 1995 isn’t done yet as a bloodbath with Davey Boy Smith is in the offing too! Add in a rarely-seen One Night Only match with Undertaker (which you can’t see on VHS), with the Benoit match from WCW, and that’s a wrap!

So why in the hell are you reading this? Go get this, pop it into your player, and WATCH THE DAMN THING! This is without hyperbole the greatest disc collection ever, and I don’t think anyone will ever top it. It’s one of those “magic” collections where it has everything you need with no wasted space and everything is of top-shelf quality.

IN CONCLUSION: WWE has the biggest wrestling library in the world. For more than a decade they have made it a service to release high-quality discs to fans of the universe to show history in shining glory. Hopefully over this epic three part harmony, I can prove that there is lots of quantitative greatness to be achieved. If you’re a collector wanting to start out, please read this. If you’re a person wanting the certain disc and needed recommendation, please read this as well. This is a culmination of personal/topical research that has resulted in a respectably large collection with lots of background info to be shared. I have no true ending for this, so I take a small bow.

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If you would like to read biographies/autobiographies on personalities covered, please help this blog and click/order on the links provided:

Mick Foley: Have A Nice Day: A Tale of Blood and Sweatsocks, Foley is Good: And the Real World is Faker Than Wrestling, The Hardcore Diaries, The Hardcore Diaries

Road Warriors: The Road Warriors: Danger, Death, and the Rush of Wrestling

Chris Jericho: A Lion's Tale: Around the World in Spandex, Undisputed: How to Become the World Champion in 1,372 Easy Steps

ECW: Hardcore History: The Extremely Unauthorized Story of ECW (Second Edition)

Shawn Michaels: Heartbreak & Triumph: The Shawn Michaels Story

Bret Hart: Hitman: My Real Life in the Cartoon World of Wrestling

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Disc One

Disc Two

Or just eject.

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